As I dive into my work for the day at 12 pm. Drinking my iced coffee and listening to soft music, I realize that I have everything I need.
I took myself on a 4 day vacation, to an expensive location, wined and dined myself, checked myself into a nice hotel on the beach, did all of the things I wanted to do. Without having to ask or confirm or send details to anyone. And it was the best thing I’ve ever done because I realized that while I long for companionship and someone to laugh with at all hours of the night, I don’t need it. I’d be perfectly fine living this life alone. After all, I like my own company.
I got a few good-morning texts from men who aren’t looking for anything serious, a request for a lunch time FaceTime and an invitation to dinner, all before noon, all unanswered. And it has finally hit me.
I need someone who doesn’t need me.
I can’t be someone’s constant validation and sounding board. I don’t have the energy to completely be okay with myself and make sure he is okay with himself. That’s his responsibility. And if this sounds harsh, hear me out.
There is this age old saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Well, I’m under the impression that you shouldn’t be pouring from your cup at all. Now that’s not to say that I won’t be a support system. It just means I can’t be THE support system. We’re here to be partners right?
Let’s take a look at this from the only other angle I know how, the corporate angle. When you have with a task at work. Who do you turn to? Your supervisor? Where do they turn, the resources they are given to help you succeed. Now, do these resources come from them? Or from something more equipped, like, education and experience? I know it may sound like this is their cup, but it’s not. They are pulling out from an outside cup. The cup of resources.
How can this work in a relationship?
When your partner is peering into your cup, you can easily redirect them. I see my parents do this often, and I don’t know how I am just now catching on. But it makes sense why their 26 year long relationship works (if you haven’t caught on yet, they don’t pour their cups into one another, they direct them to other cups — aka, resources)
My mother recently had a personal issue in regards to the concept of being alone vs being lonely. She can’t seem to do things alone without feeling lonely. And that to my dad, who is a class A introvert, is exhausting. It wasn’t a problem while she was working but now that they are both retired, it wasn’t working out in his favor. So instead of filling her lonely cup with his need to be alone cup, he gave her some resources to help not only fill the time, but to teach her how to be alone. A stack of books.
The reading material not only gave him a chance to teach her how to stay busy for a few hours a day without him, it was also reading material focused around the topic of wellness and being present with yourself. A win win. This allowed him to do what he needed for the day, without expending too much of his energy into filling his cup.
So what do I need?
The short answer to my long anecdote above is, I need someone who isn’t going to expect me give them all of me and vice verse. I need someone who isn’t going to pull from themselves, but someone who is going to pull from their education and experiences.
I need someone who can validate themselves, but when they are struggling, be open to accepting resources. It can be so simple as “I’m feeling insecure right now, and feel like I need attention from you.” And that will help me not only shift my energy to them, but prepare me for what ever resources they may need.
Why do they need validation? Why are they feeling insecure? Did they watch a video on YouTube that made them think of something negative? Let’s replace and reframe that with a positive interaction that doesn’t take from my own well-being.
Are they insecure because they don’t feel good about their body today? Maybe a hearty but healthy lunch will do the trick. (This, my friends, is a mind game).
Do they need to vent to someone about their work day? Prepare me for that. Or better yet, put it in a “positivity sandwich”. Talk about your highs in the start and end of your vent session, so that it doesn’t take away all of my positive energy. If the entire vent session is negative, we then become negative and our cups start to empty and I don’t want an empty cup.
So to easily sum it all up. Don’t lose yourself trying to help people, even your romantic partner.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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