How a Man can Talk With His Children About White Privilege

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There are myriad difficult topics parents must discuss with their children: death, sex, war, divorce, racism, bullying, religion … to name only a few. How you approach these conversations depends very much on you and your relationship with both the subject matter and your child.

Typically, there are two scenarios. In the first, your child returns from school, or camp, or a sleepover and has questions. They’ve been exposed to something that for them requires input and clarification from the adult they trust most in the world: you. They need to arrange the blocks in their head in a way that makes sense given their current paradigm. That paradigm is the total of their life and experiences to date. As the parent, you are in the position to elucidate whatever the issue is, in a way that will have profound consequences for their further development. No pressure!

The second scenario derives from a need or requirement you have, to give your child the tools or defenses that you consider valuable for difficult situations in order to navigate them successfully, a classic “the talk.”

While something this current and important should fall into the second camp, it’s not about navigating the world, but about understanding it. Instead, it’s more likely that to come from the first scenario, perhaps from a civics lesson or a friend.

One of my favorite writing aphorisms is ‘don’t tell me you’re funny, tell me a joke’. Herewith, a conversation about white privilege.

SCENARIO
After school. A father and son are in a city park throwing a baseball between themselves.

Dad: “How was school today?”

Son: “It was ok.”

“Oh yeah? That all?”

“Yup.”

Throw, catch, throw, catch.

“Hey dad!”

“Yeah?”

“What’s white privilege?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Jason was talking about it?”

“What did he say?”

“He said it was B.S.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“He said he didn’t feel like he was privileged. He said that he has to work just as hard as everyone and that, well, his folks are divorced, you know, and so they aren’t like rich or anything.”

“So he just thinks white privilege is like any other privilege?”

“Yeah. Like if you can afford a better car, or nicer shoes, or holidays, then that’s privilege. He’s white and he doesn’t feel privileged like that.”

“I see.”

Throw, catch, throw, catch.

“And what do you think?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, he’s kind of right isn’t he?”

“It’s hard. You have to pick it apart. For a start, he’s doing what everyone does which is equating privilege and white privilege. They aren’t the same. They don’t really mean the same at all. Take, I don’t know, someone famous. LeBron. Or Obama. They’re both rich and successful so you might say they’re privileged. But that just misses the point completely. The simple fact that they are black makes them victims of white privilege.”

“What? So, white privilege is just a fancy word for racism?”

“No. But it’s a bit closer to the mark. The problem black people have is that the whole world that they know is white. Kind of made by white people for white people.”

“Come on, Dad! That’s nonsense. If that’s the case then why are all these rich sports guys black?”

“And why are all the much richer team owners white?”

Throw, catch, throw, catch.

“Look, imagine this. Imagine you’re playing baseball. Imagine that the pitch and the
stadium is the world. Just imagine that’s all there is. The pitch was designed by white people, the rules were made by white people. Black people can play, but when they come out to bat, they aren’t given a bat. So, it’s not like the white batter is privileged when he comes out to swing, it’s just that with respect to the black hitter, well, he stands a lot better chance of hitting the ball!”

“So, what do we do? Just give the black guy a bat?”

“That’s a really good start. But now let’s imagine that you have done, but that there are more rules that apply to the black hitter. So, if he wants to get a run on the board, he has to run ’round the diamond twice. Or he needs to hit two home runs for every one that the white guy does. I mean, if he’s awesome, he could still win, but it won’t have been fair.”

“I think I get it.”

“Look, white privilege is just a way of saying that everything you, I, we do, benefits from a system that helps us more, or hinders black people more, depending on your point of view.”

“That’s really unfair!”

“Yup.”

Throw, catch, throw, catch.

In explaining white privilege to children, it is essential to pull apart the phrase, to dig into it. But what is even more important is to try and do so without causing the child to feel guilt. That can happen later when they reach conclusions about the world themselves. But it isn’t appropriate to push that feeling onto young minds. After all, in the game scenario above, they are just the spectators, they didn’t write the rules.

Children like answers, so the son probably says something like, “what can I do about it?” or, “how can I help fix it?” To those questions, there is no glib or easy answer. Cognisance is a good first step. Follow it up the talk with visits to the National Museum of African American History, or at the very least its website, which is a rich resource.

Being white bestows privilege and partakes of it. Simply having a talk about it with your children is the most valuable first step you can take to one day level the playing field.

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Further Reading for children:
National Museum of African American History and Culture: https://nmaahc.si.edu

For parents and older children:
Dyson, Michael Eric (2017), Tears We Cannot Stop, St. Martin’s Press, NY
Coates, Te-Nehisi (2017), We Were Eight Years In Power, One World Publications, London

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