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Gandhi said, “Each one has to find his peace from within.” Growing up as a child at home in fear, and surrendering half my life to training in Aikido, in martial arts, I discover strength in Gandhi’s words. Yeah, there’s war in the Middle East. There’s the possibility of war with North Korea and Russia.
On the more personal cultural scale, I see murder in our schools. The university professor who speaks her conscience about her sexual assault over 30 years by the college student, who is now a US Supreme Court Justice, is forced to move from her home with her family, because of death threats. She’s vilified for taking her stand against cruelty, and for healing herself. Truly WTF. There’s no agreement for peace in our experience of the world.
Much of the world revolves about the possible agenda, the perceived personal gain. To a very large extent, as a culture—as human beings—we’ve lost the capacity for compassion for another human being. Where’s the peace in that?
We’re constantly surrounded by ‘no peace’ in both our global and personal experience. Yet, I believe that—like Gandhi, like O-Sensei— perhaps peace starts with looking within.
I’ve worked intensely with my therapist Lance. I looked at my childhood fear of my father. Dad’s anger frightened me when I was little. His anger occurred as capricious, unpredictable. Yeah, there was no peace for 8-year-old Jon. Dad’s anger was more the fear of not knowing how to be the father I needed. Perhaps, Dad did what his dad did to him, what he only knew. A legacy of sorts. Not the legacy worth perpetuating.
The actual acts of violence and fear are unforgivable. Yet, I got that the man was forgivable. My childhood could have been a lot better. Yet, I would never know. Lady Macbeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” I got that.
Although, my dad’s actions were unforgivable, Dad as a man was. I’ve learned compassion. I get what it is to be human. To heal, to discover my measure of peace I forgive. I forgive me, for not being strong enough to do anything about it, when I was a young boy. The grown man in me forgives me.
Fortunately, I discovered Sensei Dan, who became the Father I needed to become the man I wanted to be. Instead of not being enough, Sensei listened for the greater man within me. The greater man that got buried when I was that brave 8-year-old listening to his parents constantly fight, and his Dad yelling at him.
Perhaps, I began studying Aikido with Sensei, because I didn’t want anyone fucking with me, ever again. I had to be stronger. I had to be better. Training with Sensei was my self-reckoning. I truly get the words of O-Sensei, “True victory is victory over oneself.” The Way wasn’t about being the strongest. It wasn’t about being the toughest. The Way was about me making peace with myself.
For years when I was little Mom constantly told me, “Jonny, slow down.” That was her way of telling me to find my peace. When I got frustrated mastering some Aikido technique, Sensei said, “Make it work, Jon.” He was telling me to look within. He was telling me I was okay. I had peace just being me.
I accept who I am, my lightness and my darkness within me. I surrender to my peace. The invaluable gift from Sensei was: I really have nothing to prove. I’m good enough. In fact, he thought I was a good man. All I have to do was “Just train.” In a way, we all have to ‘just train’ for our peace.
Really, I believe that we source peace from within ourselves. We accept who we are now. Of course, we could be better. We could also be worse. Regardless, it’s who we are. And who we are is okay.
I’m 56 years-old. I’m proud of the man I am. I’m grateful for those like Sensei and Mom, who made me and believed in me. I discover my own measure of peace in this.
I took a walk in my favorite park near my home at night. I’m still recovering from shingles, the result of my ‘older’ immune system. Until my skin heals up more, I can’t lift weights or practice Aikido. So I walk in the beautiful park that has lit walkways. After work, I come home, stretch out, and then head over to the park.
While walking on a quiet night among the gorgeous trees, I was happy. I had peace. I had just spent more money getting my car fixed, averting the ‘no peace’ of the unsafe car. I couldn’t lift weights or practice Aikido for maybe a week more. I was doing what I could do. So I enjoyed what I was doing: walking in the park. I created my sense of peace in the present.
In peace, I listen to others as greater than they know themselves to be. Look and listen for the greater within others. Perhaps, the peace we all look for comes from looking within yourself. That peace within is also what it is to be human.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
Lisa – Beautiful photo. Serene. Thank you!