Affection, Touch, and Our Lost Humanity

Be my baby, baby

Everyone goes nuts over seeing a baby they want to hold.

But then, we learn not to touch.

Strangers know it’s impolite. Women with infertility heartache may make the mother/ non-mother feel awkward. A person with unkempt dress could feel inadequate. An aged person has come to expect non-affection. People who have lost children feel too vulnerable. We may withhold touch because we’re in a pandemic age. Many people see touch as too intimate because they have been hurt by exploitation. Homophobes, or xenophobes, or fundamentalist fanatics, or anyone who has been taught touch is taboo will resist this most natural human impulse.

Religion. ‘morals’ and indoctrination scrubs our primate grooming behavior.

All of these people do go a bit nuts inside, of course, but they keep their thoughts and their hands to themselves.

All other primates, and most other mammals — even birds — know the power of touch and how it creates and sustains community.

Y.L. Wolfe recently posted a Medium story about how we have lost he sense of touch among humans. She proposes — rightly — that we need to get it back. Consent and coercion, of course, are a concern.

But consider this: what does it say about our trust issues and insecurity among one another that a natural inclination must be repressed because we have been socialized to see men as predators, women as prey, children as unworthy of keeping their innocence, and all touch as being more thought of as sexual, threatening, or intimidating, because we’re our social acceptance of these things is so entrenched?

We also learn that no matter who we are we are unattractive and inadequate. What does it say that we must buy a zillion products to attract the touch that never comes?

It says we are a really dumb and messed up bunch of love-deprived apes; that’s what it says.

How we went from the land of hugs to the land of hate

Having learned, sadly, that what earth is for is exploitation, it is entirely natural to have people learn that touch is a no no. Those being touched are framed as victims because oppressing weaker places and people is what it’s all about.

We’ve come to believe that all behaviors are for taking advantage.

I am not just talking about capitalism, btw, but about any ideology — religion, patriarchy, supremacy over the ‘primitive’ people who have no Victorian ‘morals’ and even the idea that people are superior to any other natural organism considered given to us and therefore, meant to be man-handled at will.

We got here slowly. Our forager ancestors and most cultures made time for human connection for eons. And eons. And then hugs became something that would should shame and separate us. Oxytocin and other hormones and neurocircuitry came to be used against us.

This is one of the biggest tragedies in the world. The ‘superior’ in thought, religion, ‘higher’ culture, language, and ethics accidentally severs us from our best bonding tools.

Some cautionary words on bands and bonding

Like every other thing that humans tend to go all binary on, the popular version of oxytocin (the cuddle chemical) and other hormones and neurotransmitters is over-simplified. Hugs are not just the love drug, nor is it hugs per se, but touch and displayed kindness of many varieties at work when we bond to others.

Predictably, capitalism (this time profit really is to blame) has allowed that people can buy oxytocin spray for about $30 to spread that warm fuzzy feeling of having a lighter wallet.

Oxytocin, especially, must be seen as bonding chemical that signals not just affection, but trust, in the brain. This means it’s not just a one time ‘feel good’ shot, but can lead to bonding in alliance against others, not just for everybody. Trust tells people this person is of our tribe, on our side, with our alliance.

This is disastrous for outsiders to that band.

In addition, all neurochemistry, anatomy, behavior, and socialization is comprised of many, many, many factors. It’s never just a matter of turned off or turned on.

The solution of course, is more bonding with all beings. Keeping some people in a caste of lesser than will never work to create international, or cooperative alignment. It’s important to have a local tribe, but vital to open our minds to a global tribe on a finite planet.

Just extending out our arms makes world peace a heavy lift. Nor does it address the still accepted exploitation of people and nature. We need more collaboration and alignment, also known as trust and good will, among all people and places.

Living virtual lives is unlikely to get us there.

So, although hugs (or acceptable touch) are not a panacea, they are a good trend we all can benefit from sharing.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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