All Human Relationships Secretly Run on Code — You Just Don’t Realize It Yet

I know this is going to sound weird, or even stupid, but it needs to be said.

Love and technology are more similar than you think.

Here’s why:

Technology is a human invention. Right?

While things like programming, cybersecurity, or other logic-based principles might have strong roots in mathematics, there’s still an essence of humanity in them.

Thus, love — a property of man — and the concepts that govern our technology have similar roots.

1. Couples unknowingly apply ‘hidden values‘ during ‘variable assignment’

(I’m going to try and explain all this as “non-technical” as possible to avoid confusion, so bear with me here.)

My point isn’t to teach you about programming or developer logic. We’re talking about love and relationships here, but there is a connection and a similarity to how people are so predictable.

Partners assign meaning to things without explicitly stating it upfront.

It’s like assigning a variable in Python. In modern programming languages, you can’t get away with assigning a variable without an explicitly defined value.

Variables are like “shortcuts” used in programming to make code function and work correctly.

Example:

variable = meaning

They’re necessary in code but detrimental to real relationships.

For example, people come up with things like “You’re too boring”, “I’m not happy”, or “We’re not compatible” without fully explaining to you what they actually mean.

If you ask them for further clarification, you’re unlikely to get a concrete answer. Because even they don’t know.

For right now, let’s go with the examples I provided because I’ve all heard them before, all from different girlfriends.

Trying to run a program with undefined variables in programming leads to code that fails to run. (Thus, your new app won’t work)

This won’t immediately or directly lead to failure in real life, but in daily conversations or interactions, this causes ambiguity and frustration.

For example:

const compatibility = → (What does ‘not compatible’ actually mean—different values, lifestyles, expectations?)
Happiness = → (Why are they unhappy? Is it external stress, personal insecurities, or the relationship itself?)
SELECT * FROM feelings WHERE label = ‘boring’; (without anything actually being labeled boring→ (Are they saying I’m too nice? Too predictable? Too shy? Not spontaneous enough? Or is this just their projection?)

The solution (what you need to do):

1. “You’re too BORING”

If your partner could elaborate or explain by saying: “You’re boring because you don’t take initiative on dates,” that’s something you can work with. Now you can work on a solution. You can make a conscious effort to open up or initiate more conversation.

2. “I’m not HAPPY”

Clarifying the actual cause behind their unhappiness might reveal it’s less about the relationship, and more about their own expectations. Maybe there’s an unspoken, unmet need. These are all things that can be addressed. But not if they’re unknown.

3. “We’re not COMPATIBLE”

You have to define what compatibility means for everyone. Often, “we’re not compatible” is a throwaway excuse for avoiding any real effort to address hang ups in communication.

Even if it’s not, is it lifestyle choices, future goals, or emotional needs? Once it’s discussed, both people can decide if the relationship is worth continuing.

And everyone assumes their meanings are universal:

Partner B should intuit Partner A’s needs or wants
We all share the same definitions for things like ‘respect,’ ‘love,’ ‘commitment’, or ‘happiness’

…

But if these meanings aren’t explicitly defined and communicated, misunderstandings are inevitable.”

As mentioned in the book, Crucial Conversations, one of the biggest obstacles to healthy, productive relationships is because we assign meaning to things like:

“You never listen to me,”
“You’re ignoring me,”
or “You don’t care about me.”

Without the full picture. Then we overreact. It all spirals from there and what was once just a small problem has snowballed into something much worse.

2. IF/ELSE Logic for boundaries

Months ago, I had sort of an “epiphany.”

A lot of people fail to assert and maintain their boundaries in love and relationships for a few reasons.

They vary, for many reasons, ranging from lack of self-respect, low confidence, or for some other benefit.

But some people don’t know how to set limits because they don’t know how or when. Because it’s so easy to let things slide and hope things sort themselves out.

In many programming languages, there are things called conditional statements. They follow IF/ELSE (or IF/THEN) logical statements.

If this happens, then do this.

Else, do that.

A lot of couples struggle here because they let their emotions override their if/then logic.

The IF/THEN logic isn’t a foolproof solution, but it’s at least a helpful tool.

For example, you could do this:

IF I plan dates but they flake on me more than once or twice, THEN I will stop investing effort.
IF they lie to me or withhold information, THEN I will confront them about it, making it clear that I will not tolerate it again.

In practice, if you’re someone who’s not used to asserting your own boundaries, this won’t be easy.

4-Step process to asserting your needs:

[Set your intentions]

[Acknowledge what the problem is]

[Express your wants and needs]

[And then define the consequence]

I actually put together a 13-page, detailed guide on setting boundaries that you can get here.

3. Enforcing boundaries is like revoking someone’s access to an account

When someone misuses their login privileges at work or in their organization, IT revokes their access.

The same thing happens in relationships, but in a less direct way.

Often one person “revokes” their partner’s access to them, not out of self-protection, but out of spite or fear.

But we can still use this analogy as if you are locking someone out who’s attempting to abuse their privileges or has malicious intent.

As I’ve thought about it, people approach boundary setting (revoking access) differently depending on their attachment style.

(For a detailed topic on attachment theory, you can read this article)

To summarize attachment theory, let’s think of it this way:

Those with avoidant and anxious attachment styles have insecurities and needs to reconcile and “deactivate” their unhealed attachment issues from childhood. Both attachment styles struggle to form and maintain healthy, long-term relationships.

The avoidant chases relief from relying on others by seeking independence.
The anxious partner chases the avoidant to get relief from feeling lonely.
And a secure partner feels safe and secure in themselves

1. Anxious Attachers

Their boundaries tend to be too loose. Initially, they’re quite generous with giving anyone access to their time, energy, or money.

In fact, they’re quick to give someone “administrator privileges” without properly vetting who they’re dating because they fear abandonment or losing the connection with that person.

Anxious attachers will revoke access — it just takes a particular trigger for it to happen.

When they do, it’s out of frustration or anger. Usually not out of self-protection.

It’s like rage-quitting a job or a video game instead of setting proper boundaries from the start.

Some examples include:

Blocking someone out of anger and regretting it later, after they feel lonely
Or jumping straight to ultimatums (“If you won’t hang out with me this weekend, I’m dumping you.”) without ever expressing your needs

2. Avoidants

(As I’ve seen) they’re quite stingy with who they let get close to them.

It can be quite hard to gain the trust of an avoidant person, especially if they have a lot of insecurities or baggage, and it’s far too easy to lose access to them if you make the wrong move.

For example,

Things could be going great for a while — months even. There’s lots of sex, intimacy, and time together, but in this particular example, the avoidant you’re dating is deathly afraid of commitment.

You say, “I want to have a relationship with you, would you be my girlfriend?”

She joyfully agrees, goes home all happy. But then it hits her. Commitment. All of a sudden, the unspoken, implied expectations of an exclusive, long-term relationship flood her mind.

Then she ghosts you a few days later.

Avoidants will swiftly and unilaterally revoke your access not because you did something wrong, but because they’re afraid.

It feels “too much” or “too risky,” so for them, the only alternative is a complete shutdown.

…

If this made any sense to you, next time, try having a more direct approach in your relationships.

Clear, honest communication might be nerve-wracking, but in the long-run, it’s a far more efficient, beneficial process for everyone involved.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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