It was almost Christmas-time when my mother launched into a stream of nasty text messages, judged me for all my life’s choices and told me how horrible of a person I was
I stared at the screen, shocked to know what she truly thought of me, and I didn’t feel the least bit surprised.
It’s horrifying when you discover the woman who gave you life and somewhat-raised you is ashamed of and hates you.
Narcissists are great pretenders, and will keep up a facade so as long as it serves them.
It no longer served my mother to pretend she cared, so she showed her true colors. This was not the first, nor the last, time she would do that with me.
I responded, by not responding. It was not a well thought-out choice, or planned. I just stopped responding to messages that were abusive, judgmental, and toxic.
For months, I couldn’t reply to her. I decided anyone who could talk to me in such a manner or treat me with such disrespect does not deserve a response from me. Her behavior was not new or abnormal, though something inside me realized this was not alright and I had enough.
My mother blew up my phone. She sent me more hateful text messages, launched accusations of outrageous transgressions, and told my brother how awful I was. She then invited my ex-husband and my young adult children on a vacation with her, and didn’t tell me.
She didn’t invite me either.
I learned from my children and my brother the plans my mother had for the vacation. She was being spiteful and unkind.
They all went on the vacation and had a nice time. I was still not in contact with my mother, other than to tell her how hurtful her behavior was, while she accused me of ignoring her.
2. Narcissists only want access to you and don’t care about a healthy relationship. They don’t understand or care how their actions affect you.
Eventually, my mother reached out again after more months of silence on my end and apologized for her behavior and words. Do I actually believe she understands the magnitude of her actions? No, I dont.
Do I think she will change her behavior long term? Probably not. I didn’t forgive her, but accepted her apology to keep the peace. I know what she is capable of and how she feels about me now.
I have returned to a low-level of contact, called yellow contact, as Dr. Ramani suggests when dealing with a narcissistic person who is close to you and difficult to maintain ‘no-contact’ with.
Recently, I moved into a new place and my roommate moved out. A roommate, who has been my ‘friend’ for almost a decade.
This close friend has lived with me rent-free for the past 6 months and did not offer to help pay rent or contribute. She did not help with moving, nor did she follow through with much in the way of support.
In contrast, I have helped her move her entire house, which included her and her husband and three children, a total of three times. I thought we were best friends. I learned during a time when I needed her help, she didn’t show up for me, as I did for her. It was all about her needs and what worked for her in the situation.
3. Narcissists plan their lives in the way that suits them, and use other people to their advantage.
I didn’t want to admit my friend was using me or taking advantage of me. Whenever I came home from work, I would often find my place in disarray, dishes dirty, and no food in the house. The place would smell horrible.
I would clean, shop, and do laundry every time, before I could rest or sleep, after traveling for days at a time.
How I needed a support system for me, too. She was not capable.
Over time, I realized she was using me for a free place to stay for her and her mother. There was never a ‘thank you’, or even an offer to help with expenses or the upkeep of the place.
I worked my ass off to pay for the expenses for all of us.
As I soon, thereafter, moved into a new place with the help of my children, I put my foot down and set boundaries with my friend. She had to move out and move on. I would not continue to support her.
She followed through by moving when it suited her, taking her furniture out when it worked for her time schedule and not necessarily when my apartment manager required, and didn’t care if it inconvenienced me or other people who were actually helping. She never packed a box of mine or helped move any of my things.
She even left behind some of her furniture and boxes in my new place, while she took off on a road trip across the country.
I have no idea if she’ll ever return for those items or not. It could be tomorrow or six months from now. Like I said, she lives on her own time frame.
Following with this theme, I also have an ex-lover who instituted cyclical intermittent reinforcement, manipulation, gaslighting, and a push/pull cycle of love bombing and discarding me, to keep us tethered in a never-ending trauma-bonded cycle.
For over a decade, I fought for our relationship while I also questioned my sanity along the way. I battled anxiety, and brought myself out of the depths of a deep depression many times to try to salvage a relationship I believed was written in the stars.
I was blind to the reality that I was involved in a basic toxic love affair.
I was lied to, manipulated into lying for my lover, and was forced to keep silent about the nature of our relationship for years to appease my partner and his wife.
Slowly, I found myself losing my mind. And my soul.
4. Narcissists make everything about them.
The ‘relationship’ we had for almost a decade was suited for the life my partner wanted. It didn’t include my needs, wants, desires, or a life for us together. It revolved around whatever he believed worked best for him and his current situation.
There was no room for me, or us. When I pushed back on this, questioned things, or tried to negotiate, I was gaslit about my needs being too much until I couldn’t take it anymore.
He dangled hope in front of me like a carrot, with everything I needed just out of reach.
5. Narcissists will blow up everything in their life to maintain the status quo.
My lover brutally discarded me when he was caught, ghosted me without explanation, and came back over and over when it was ‘safe’ for him and less risky for us to be together.
He was willing to lose me, and us, in order to maintain a rigid societal standard that didn’t include me. But, he wasn’t willing to let me go completely.
So, I remained a secret on the sidelines of his life. A vacation from the monotony.
As I am writing this, I am sitting on my porch over looking the lake outside in a brand new, quiet, beautiful apartment where I reside all alone.
I find myself in low-contact with my mother (the harassing texts have died down), my roommate has finally moved out and gone, and my ex and I are broken up for the final and last time, in no-contact for my healing.
I am feeling less anxiety and more peace than I have had in years.
I found myself wondering the other day, “How do I attract these narcissists in my life so easily? Am I a magnet for them?”
I thought through each relationship and measured the similarities… the self-centered entitlement, the lack of empathy, and the false persona. They all embodied similar core values and prioritized themselves over everyone, while expecting me to prioritize them.
I found myself accommodating each one of them in the way that worked best for their life, as I hoped and waited patiently for them to reciprocate and support me in return.
Why did they want anything from me? Was there something about me that caused them to all behave the same way towards me?
- Narcissists choose their targets carefully.
A narcissistic person is very calculated in the kind of person they choose to be in relationship with. They prepare and study someone to know them and understand how to hook them. Understanding and knowing what they seek is helpful for knowing how to avoid them. - Narcissists look for specific qualities in a person.
A narcissist needs a person who will work with their dark, selfish, and manipulative behavior. Qualities of kindness and persistence are values they logically tend to hold for themselves but don’t embody, so they extract them from someone else. They hunt for people who are vulnerable or in a place in life where they may need help and support. - Narcissists pick strong people.
When trying to find someone to be with, a narcissist will often pick someone who will make them look good. A strong individual, with opinions and values, is someone they look up to and admire. They choose these kinds of people to be in relationships with them because it makes them appear better to others, in association, as well. - Narcissists need empathetic partners.
A narcissistic person needs empathy to continue the manipulative, intermittent, and gaslighty behavior that characterizes all their relationships. Coupled with the intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting, and shady behavior, someone who is able to empathize with them and understand their wounds will forgive and forget often, especially if they are deeply attached and love them. This creates a trauma-bonded cycle, and this is the kind of relationship narcissists attract and maintain with everyone. - Narcissists love-bomb the people they choose.
Rushing a relationship, speeding up connection, and securing attachment is part of their playbook. Rushed and transactional relationships are the foundation. This often feels amazing to the person they want… like a whirlwind, fairytale and does not give the other person the ability to recognize red flags. It also allows the narcissistic person to maintain control.
“When it comes to love, narcissists are sprinters and not marathoners. It is often a rather grandiose experience, with numerous references to “falling in love at first sight,” and a “once-ina-lifetime” love story.” — Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Phd
A narcissistic relationship is not always defined by romance. I realized this as I found myself ruminating on my narcissistic parent, the selfish friend and my unavailable ex-lover.
While I am not a doctor and can not diagnose, each of them have overwhelming narcissistic qualities that have permeated our relationship.
So, am I a narcissistic magnet?
Or maybe I programmed by a parent to attract narcissistic individuals, as this feels most comfortable for me?
With the help of supportive friends, I found the work of Dr. Ramani Druvasula, PhD and dove into her work to help make sense of the madness in my intimate relationships.
*Her book has been so helpful in idefntifying and healing in the after math of a narcissistic relationship and learning how to do things differently the next time.
*She has a youtube channel to help narcissistic survivors heal from these relationships: https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
I also found her podcast to listen to on long walks while trying to reprogram my brain: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/navigating-narcissism-with-dr-ramani/id1629909313
I don’t have all the answers yet, but I am learning. I am finding the space, silence, and the slower pace in my life to help me tread more carefully, to listen to myself more, and to focus on what truly matters.
From my studies, I know I have some of the qualities narcissists look for that I mentioned above.
I know my childhood primed me to be attractive to a narcissist and to feel comfortable with someone who is controlling.
I am in therapy learning how to heal from the trauma that has conditioned me to make poor relationship choices.
I am less worried now about being attractive to a narcissist. I am more focused on what matters to me, how I feel, and what I need to feel safe and comfortable.
Isn’t that what the narcissist does? Focus on themselves? Do what they feel comfortable with?
The difference between the two of us is this: the narcissist is looking for control and power over others.
I am seeking healing, control, and power over myself, so the narcissist will never control me again.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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