Am I Wrong for Wanting a ‘Man’s Man’?

Heather Gray responds with a reminder to focus on the real issues of this relationship.

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Heather,

I am hoping you can help me. I read your article last week about how we have to respect our partner’s needs in relationships.

I get your points but have a question. I’ve been with my guy for six years now. Lately, I have been so frustrated! He never takes the lead on anything in making decisions and I have to decide everything.

I get impatient with him and he feels criticized and then needs all of this reassurance that leaves me further frustrated. I just want him to take the lead, you know? I want him to take the driver’s seat, to take charge, to make a decision. I want someone who inspires confidence that when it’s my turn, he’ll be able to take care of me.

Sometimes, I just want a man’s man. Is that so wrong?

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Dear Reader,

I get it.

For years now, men have been defined to be a certain way. They take charge, are confident and self-assured. They make decisions confidently and lead without being controlling. They have emotions but don’t need to talk about them all the time and have relatively thick skins. They don’t get their feelings hurt or need their hands held. They provide for their families, etc.

I think the best way to understand the bind you are in is to consider how women have been defined over the years. We’ve been conditioned to be mild mannered and we’re not supposed to be too assertive. It’s supposed to be in our blood that we’re maternal creatures who just want to marry and settle down and we’re not expected to be as passionate about our careers as men are.

Do you fit that mold? Do you still consider yourself a woman?

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Don’t get caught up in stereotypes.

It’s ok to want and need certain things in a partner but be careful with expectations centered on gender. That just never ends well. If you start thinking your guy isn’t “a real man” because he doesn’t take the lead, you’re never going to get anywhere because you know how it would feel if he questioned your role as a woman in the relationship. Those are just fighting words and when you look at your partner with that kind of disdain, it just does damage to the relationship.

That being said, I think you’re tuning into needs that you have in your relationship that aren’t being met. What we need to work on is how you can define them for your guy so that he gets what you’re saying and why your need is important to you.

Where do you need him to take the lead?

Do you find him hesitant in a crisis? Is he slow to plan or does he struggle with problem solving? Do you need him to take the lead in the relationship more by starting hard conversations, planning date nights, or housekeeping tasks?

Where are you seeing the holes in your relationship? What is the feeling you have when you see him hesitate? Usually when I hear people talk about this issue, the root of it is that when things hit the fan, they feel abandoned. They feel a pressure to always have an answer, to always be the responsible one, and to always “be on.”

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Start with curiosity instead of assumptions.

The best way to have this conversation is by trying to understand where your guy is coming from and to be curious about how he thinks and problem solves. You might be assuming that he doesn’t problem solve efficiently because you don’t see him take immediate action. He might be someone who weighs his options before deciding.

His lack of action may indeed be a lack of confidence if he simply thinks you can do whatever is at hand better.

Try saying: “You know, I haven’t been happy in our relationship. I feel like I am always deciding everything, planning everything, and problem solving for the two of us. Can we talk about this so it can start feeling like we’re a team?” If he immediately becomes sad, defensive, or makes a self-deprecating comment, it’s ok to say “I know it’s hard to hear you’re not doing enough. It’s not about you not doing enough. I just need some things done differently. We’ve got to figure out a way to talk about this instead of having the same old fight.”

Ask questions. Challenge your assumptions. Try to understand how and why he thinks about things. You might disagree with him but perhaps you’ll be reassured that he is, indeed, thinking about things and giving them thought, even if it is too much thought.

What are the unwritten rules of your relationship?

 My husband and I go out fairly regularly on Friday evenings for date night. Typically, by Wednesday, I have thought of a few places we could go and am throwing ideas out at him. It’s the way we’ve been doing it for a while so it has become the unwritten rule of our relationship. It would be unrealistic of me to expect him to suddenly start thinking of date night ideas on his own because that isn’t the way we’ve done it.

Relationships over time develop all kinds of unwritten rules. These are ways the relationship transpires without anyone having to ask because habits have been ingrained and things become the way you’ve always done them. Habits between couples are ok except when we start to expect our partners to just magically know when we’re seeking an exception to them.

Has your guy stopped taking the lead because the unwritten rule in your relationship is that you do? If the two of you over time have developed a dance where you’re in charge and you make the decisions, that can quickly become the way the two of you move through the world. It becomes your respective habits.

If you want him to take the lead, you may need to bite your tongue, slow down your own actions, and step aside so he has the room to move and lead. You’ll also need to communicate to him that this is what you’re doing so he doesn’t view your silence as a passive aggressive dare or challenge. A quick “Hon, can you take care of this? I don’t want to decide. Anything you come up with is fine.” Should do the trick…you just can’t follow that up with a laundry list of ways he should be doing it!

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It’s possible that this guy isn’t your guy.

We all have a set of characteristics that we find attractive in other people: insightful, can talk about feelings, loves animals, loves to travel, sense of humor, smart, kind, thoughtful, focused on family, assertive, confident, self-starter, health conscious, athletic, empathic, creative, adventurous, spontaneous, etc. What’s attractive to you could easily drive another woman up the wall.

You might have to do some self-reflecting here about your guy, about who he is, and what he brings to the table for your relationship. He might be bringing a lot but if you’re finding that this core set of characteristics you want and desire just isn’t him, it’s important to know that.

You can’t change him and expecting him to change who he is and how he moves through the world to better accommodate the relationship is a set up for failure. Some people, men and women, just are not comfortable in the driver’s seat. Some want a co-pilot and some just want to sit in the back seat and let someone else take the lead.

That’s ok but ultimately it’s not ok for your relationship if you want and need something distinctly different. He may be a good guy, just not good for you.

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This post is republished on Medium.

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