Amusement park? Alex Barnett thinks not. Maybe “amazement park” because it’s amazing that any person over the age of 6 and more than four feet tall survives a day there.
We took our 4-year-old to the amusement park today. He had a blast!
As for me, it wasn’t that amusing.
Let’s start with the heat. Summer in New York City is hot and humid. They don’t call them the dog days for nothing.
Then, there’s the cost. Our son is more than three-feet-tall, which means that while he’s far away from his NBA career, he qualifies for full-price admission. So, that’s three full fares to begin. Add in ice cream (him), water (and lots of it for daddy and mommy), and the price of a the whack-a-mole, the squirting water into the clown’s mouth, the air hockey, and the claw to grab a toy game, and the day’s festivities cost us about the same as our rent.
Oh, and let’s not forget the requisite tensions caused by the fact that our son’s height, while sufficient to earn us the right to pay full freight to get in the park, was insufficient to enable him to ride on certain rides. Yes, it appears that you have to be more than close to four feet tall to be entitled to full-on nausea.
Which brings me to my fourth point: rides were not made with the adult constitution in mind. When you’re four, and your body has not been ravaged by the wear and tear of a lifetime of, well, let’s just say “living,” spinning around in a circle while going up and down at the same time seems like a blast, something the Minions might do for kicks while waiting for Gru to come back so they can make Despicable Me 3.
But, for adults, the swing, the roller coaster, the froggy ride, the out-of-control pirate boat – those aren’t pleasure rides, Those are G-Force inducing, stomach-wrenching, intestine-tightening vomit comets. When you add in that my balance was already compromised by a Summer sinus cold, I’m convinced that my day at the amusement park may cause me to suffer from Vertigo and nausea for the rest of my life.
Amusement park? I think not. Maybe “amazement park” because it’s amazing that any person over the age of 6 and more than four feet tall survives a day there.
So, what’s the solution? He is only four after all. There are a good twelve to fifteen years ahead of us of amusement park attendance. And, that’s not even considering that the amusement park we attended today was “minor league.” We haven’t even gotten to Disney World, or Six Flags, or a “major league” amusement park where they might as well hand out airsick bags when you walk in.
How do I deal with that? A lifetime supply of Dramamine? Hire an amusement park Sherpa for our son? Can I afford to look that pathetic and weak in front of our son when I’m trying to teach him to be a man? Yes, I think the answer is yes. He needs to understand that everyone has a vulnerability. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone has a Rubicon they cannot cross.
His line in the sand is vegetables (or anything containing fiber). Mine is being dizzy and sick to my stomach in blistering heat while surrounding by screaming toddlers.
So, one of us is going to be constipated and one of us is never going to stop throwing up. We’re buddies for life.