And Acceptance Is the Answer to All My Problems Today

—
You know, I run into this word acceptance a lot, and I’ve given it a lot of thought. I really want to grab it and understand it because it has such applicable meaning and value when it makes sense. But man, it’s not something that’s easy to appreciate unless you really understand it. People throw it out there as if it is something you can just do. But it’s like an experiential phenomenon or felt sense when you experience it. You can’t just rationalize yourself into acceptance. I think that’s because it taps into deeper parts of us that are not necessarily rational, but when we hit the bullseye, we know it. It takes a lot of processing of both thoughts and feelings in conjunction with our circumstances.

Steven Gans, MD, reflects that acceptance is not just a logical, but is emotional as well. Part of the problem is that lack of acceptance is, in part, is caused by feelings and thoughts not working together cohesively. However, if we can grasp it, acceptance is the foundation that we can build our lives on.

One of the most profound passages from the AA Big Book has universal application to all of us:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.” (Page 417 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

Acceptance: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Application

We talk about things like self-acceptance and say like, “You have to accept yourself just the way you are.” Well, yeah, but what does that mean? “Accept me?” You might say, “But I don’t like me? That’s the problem in the first place.” If I take this need to accept myself just the way that I am and have a fixed mindset, then it becomes dangerous because you shouldn’t accept the way you are as being unchangeable. When we recognize that we are individuals capable of growth, we can better accept the bad traits as temporary problems to solve, not fixed barriers. You should accept yourself the way you are for the purpose of growing. You see, the difference is that there’s a healthy way of looking at and accepting yourself and an unhealthy way.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

The unhealthy way is resigned to being the way you are, and it forces everyone else just to accept you the way you are. Not only does this limit your relational potential to those who endorse your victimhood, but it is depressing, literally, because we are saying that the way we are is not changeable and that we should just accept that. Acceptance in this way is being used like character is a baseball game, and the 9th inning is over, we lost. This leaves us with no were to go. We are innately growing and developing beings. When we’re not given that opportunity to grow, in particular, when we are not allowing ourselves to grow, we are going to be miserable. We do that by how we think about concepts like acceptance.

Indeed, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other people. You’ve heard that. What you should compare yourselves to is who you were yesterday, last week, last month, or a year ago. You should be comparing yourself and your growth according to your own trajectory in life. Are you engaging in growth, or are you not? And if you’re doing better than you were yesterday, then keep going, and you’ll continue to do better. If you’ve changed into a better person and your relationships are speaking to that change, and the value you’re finding in your relationships is speaking to that change, then keep chugging away.

Acceptance Gives Us A Baseline

Any ability to measure ourselves will require a baseline perspective. To achieve this baseline, we will need to apply honest acceptance to start, which means sincere recognition of our flaws and limits of control. Self-acceptance, in a healthy way, says I accept myself; the bad and the good for who I am today, but I can accept the bad because it is changeable. If I’m honest with the parts of me that need to grow, then I will know how to attack it in my practical application towards life. By accepting things, including myself, just the way they are in this moment, I will have a solid foundation to continue my growth. What it really means is that I’m consciously and honestly self-evaluating without lying to myself.

Part of the Problem

Many of us haven’t been taught or don’t know what to do with negative feelings. We don’t know what to do with shame. We don’t know what to do with guilt. We don’t know what to do with conflict. And so we make up stories about those uncomfortable experiences and distressing feelings. We make up stories powerfully with our cognitive brains. These stories might hold half the truth, enough to make us feel a little bit better. They allow us to dismiss these parts of us that urgently need our attention. These stories seem to apply to the circumstances logically, but instead, what they are doing is serving to suppress our inner needs that are being expressed in the internal distress.

These parts won’t go unnoticed, though, as we project them onto people places things and experiences we face. We say, “Well, that person is bad,” or “That thing was not a good thing for me.” Why do we do this? Because we were uncomfortable. The problem is that sometimes our discomfort is telling us the truth. We do not want responsibility for how our lives are turning out. Sometimes we should indeed feel uncomfortable, and as well we should avoid certain situations and people, but most of the time it’s not true. Most of the time our discomfort is telling us something we should be curious about in ourselves first and seek to understand. Am I uncomfortable for the right reason, or is my reasoning an attempt to avoid something I may not even be aware of that needs to be addressed.

Encountering Personal Growth

This is how personal growth is encountered. By engaging our internal responses as being our own, and realizing they are merely being brought up in us in the reflection of our circumstance, namely our relationships. So in this way, self-acceptance or should I say an honest level of self-acceptance is going to help me interpret the discomfort, but I’ve got to be willing to accept that my circumstances are providing a mirror into my subconscious need to grow if I’m willing to take a look. Otherwise,, I’m stuck in the cycle of blaming my circumstances, inadvertently giving up personal control. I’ve got to be ready to compare myself to myself to reach a level of understanding. Otherwise, what am I comparing myself to is like comparing apples to oranges and these impossible measurements create endless frustration. That’s anxiety-provoking, and I’ll never measure up. The measuring stick becomes, “Am I experiencing the same cycles over and over,” or “Have I seen a shift?”

Radical acceptance is really about taking responsibility for how we are, good and bad. We can take ownership of our gifted features, but we neglect acknowledgment of the bad at our demise. Honest acceptance knows that the areas of needed attention are sensitive, but areas none the less that need attention. They are directional signs pointing us in the way of personal growth and character development. Embarking on this uncomfortable journey is the path towards well being. So let us believe the truth in, “Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today,” but let us understand it a little more clearly.

—

Previously published on Medium.

—

***