Polite award show audience applause
Jack Black, stiffly reading presenter joke directly from teleprompter: Hey, DJ Lance. What do you call something that has one eye and looks like it was purchased from an adult toy store?
Jack Black: I’ll give you a hint: it answers to Muno.
Canned audience laughter
DJ Lance: Razzle dazzle! And now the nominees.
Video clips of five nominees shown
DJ Lance: And the Toddlie for Best Dramatic Trauma Sequence by a Toddler goes to…goes to…
A delay occurs when Brobee, who lacks opposable thumbs, attempts to open the envelope
DJ Lance: Give me that. The Toddlie goes to…Tax Credit #4!
Symphonic award-winner music plays, mixed with canned applause
Camera cuts to 20-month old Tax Credit #4 standing in his seat. His arms are raised triumphantly as a mixture of Goldfish crumbs, apple juice, and saliva coat his chin and the front of his tuxedo. He gives a slobbery, open-mouth kiss to his mom, then leans over and pulls off his dad’s glasses. Camera pans to his 3-year-old sister, aka Hellcat, performing a headstand in her seat while her older brothers engage in an epic lightsaber duel in the aisle, using rolled up programs.
Tax Credit #4 runs towards the stage, arms straight out, a la Frankenstein. His massive toddler “pumpkin head” threatens to tip him over at any moment. He stops to pick something shiny up off the floor, then continues.
Soothing female announcer voice: This is the first nomination and win for Tax Credit #4 in the category of Best Dramatic Trauma Sequence by a Toddler.
Tax Credit #4 ascends stairs and distractedly plays Peek-a-Boo with his own reflection in the teleprompter while teetering perilously close to the edge of the stage. The audience collectively gasps as people in the front row spring from their seats and rush forward with outstretched arms.
Tax Credit #4 clumsily pirouettes and weaves his way to DJ Lance Rock, snatches the Toddlie from Muno, and shuffles to the microphone.
Tax Credit #4: NO.
Cue the Your-Allotted-Time-Is-Up-Now-Step-Away-From-The-Mic music and phony audience applause. Tax Credit #4 rushes to the edge of the stage, awkwardly attempts to lift the Toddlie above his head and then hurls it into the audience.
Soothing female announcer voice: Coming up on the 2010 Toddlie Awards: Oscar the Grouch, the cast from The Backyardigans, a live performance by They Might be Giants, and the Toddlie for Best Crotch Grab in a Family Photo.
Fade to commercial.
Here’s the award-winning performance: