Andrew Smiler says it’s time to do something about marriage’s bad reputation.
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Last week’s episode of Top Chef Masters got me thinking about how our culture treats marriage. Not who can get married, but our collective impression(s) about marriage.
The episode’s primary challenge centered around host Curtis Stone’s surprise engagement party. We also learned that contestant (or “cheftestant”) Bryan Voltaggio had recently gotten engaged to his longtime partner. And I do mean long time: they’ve been together 9.5 years. When he shared this with the other chefs, two of them–both men–expressed their condolences; one compared it to re-enlisting for another tour in Vietnam.
People don’t have that kind of reaction to divorce. Can you imagine someone saying “don’t do that, you’re just going to end up getting married again?” News of divorce is met with sympathy or joy, depending on how the marriage was going.
Birth announcements get some level of negativity, but it’s usually about diapers and sleepless nights. It’s also combined with joy and excitement about the birth.
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Top Chef isn’t aired live, so while the responses to Voltaggio’s engagement were spontaneous, the decision to include them was anything but; the producers decided those few seconds of conversation were worth airing.
Despite very public debates about who can get legally married, those instantaneous condolences make it sound like no one in their right mind would choose to do so.
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Despite very public debates about who can get legally married, those instantaneous condolences make it sound like no one in their right mind would choose to do so. It’s also noteworthy that we’re talking about Top Chef. The show routinely has openly gay contestants, judges, and guests, and celebrity chefs have competed on behalf of gay rights charities. The show airs on Bravo, where executive vice president Andy Cohen is the first openly gay person to host a late night talk show. If marriage is that awful, why in the world would anyone want to do it? Why would gay people be fighting so hard for the right to marry?
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It’s not like getting married is an unusual decision; about 90% of American adults get married. Some people like it so much they get married more than once. Engaged couples usually look ecstatic and very much in love when sharing news of their engagement; Top Chef Masters host Curtis Stone and his sweetie Lindsay Price certainly did. Marriage (and long term cohabitation) has some great benefits:
- Companionship. You “automatically” have someone to do stuff with, whether that’s eating dinner after work, going to a concert, or attending your boss’s child’s wedding.
- Emotional intimacy. You can share your deepest hopes, fears, and feelings with your sweetie and you know your partner will be there for you when you need them.
- Close friendship. Having one helps maintain better physical and mental health, thus creating happier and longer lives. For married heterosexual men, that close friend is almost always their wife.
- Sex. It’s rarely the reason to get married (see here, here, or here), but it’s usually a pleasant part of the relationship.
- Greater buying power. It’s not romantic, but in 21st Century America, most people cannot maintain or move up the ladder on a single income.
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So why is it ok to openly denigrate marriage? Why is it ok to greet someone’s announcement that they’re going to get married with sympathy, as though they were making a bad choice, instead of excited congratulations?
I think there are a few reasons why marriage bashing is ok.
- Marriage means an end to individual freedom. Americans have fetishized freedom to the point that anything that limits an individual’s ability to choose is automatically considered bad. Of course, this approach whitewashes the fact that we have social obligations to family, friends, roommates, and sweeties even when we’re not married, as well as to our employers or clients (if self-employed).
- Focusing on the bad instead of the good. In the US (and much of the West), we spend much more time on what’s going wrong than on what’s going right. The news is almost entirely about problems and rarely about successes. The celebrity news spends hours and hours about who’s separating and who’s cheating. There’s the occasional recognition that some celebrity couple is celebrating a milestone anniversary, but we almost never hear that couple talking in detail about the effort it takes to make their relationship a good one. As a family therapist, I routinely ask families what’s working well and how it got that way.
- Unmet expectations. Given that 90% of American adults get married at least once, many of us expect to get hitched, even if we don’t start fantasizing about our weddings the day we hit puberty. Our expectations about marriage have become unrealistic. In the early 20th Century, a good marital partner was someone you expected to be a good personality match, good provider, or good homemaker, but not all three. Today, it’s about finding your “soul mate” or “the person that completes you.” Although it sounds nice to say you’re somebody’s soul mate, that’s quite a job to live up to. For the rest of your life. And your partner has to do it for you too. It’s time to dial back on our expectations, individually and culturally.
- Unresolved heartbreak. Getting dumped or cheated on hurts. A lot. It may be hard to share someone else’s joy when that wound is fresh. And even when it’s not so fresh. Mass media loves the “old flames get back together” storyline. It certainly happens in real life, but most of us don’t date our exes and even when we do, it’s usually just one of our exes, not all of them.
In some ways, heartbreak may be harder for guys to cope with because our cultural standards of masculinity tell dudes they shouldn’t show their feelings, shouldn’t acknowledge they’re hurt, and should be able to solve any problem by themselves, including “problems” related to their own feelings. That’s a difficult set of standards to live up to when it feels like your heart has been ripped out. Add in the fact that being male typically means relatively little training in handling emotion or understanding how romantic relationships work, and coping gets that much more difficult. And while a guy’s buddies might be sympathetic at first, they’ll probably get tired of hearing about it pretty quickly.
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I think it’s time for marriage to hire a good PR firm to improve its image. Imagine what our country would be like if marriage, were the hip, cool, and “in” thing.
–Photo by Kovapete
I believe that you are mistaking the pressure among males towards semi competitive banter and to make light of everything for damaging criticism
Hi Andrew You write: ✺Benefits of marriage: Companionship. You “automatically” have someone to do stuff with, whether that’s eating dinner after work, going to a concert, or attending your boss’s child’s wedding.”✺ Sorry Andrew,but this is not always true. Marry a workaholic, an athlete or a persons active in politics and that person often will not have much time for you. ✺” Emotional intimacy. You can share your deepest hopes, fears, and feelings with your sweetie and you know your partner will be there for you when you need them.”✺ The ability ,capacity for emotion intimacy is not given as… Read more »
Great observation. When I was getting married, I was met with a lot of “Why” or “good luck” or “Are you sure?” Some people definitely have a negative reaction to marriage. I think ti’s because divorce is so common. Plus some people may view it as archaic. Or some may just not be into it for whatever reason. You said: ” Today, it’s about finding your “soul mate” or “the person that completes you.” Although it sounds nice to say you’re somebody’s soul mate, that’s quite a job to live up to. For the rest of your life. ” That… Read more »
Thanks for this. I think the ‘lack of freedom’ is one of the chief things going for marriage. In society, we lament the fact that people have no respect for the social order. People cheat on taxes and say taxes our theft. They complain about government money spent on education. They grumble about sensible approaches to gun control and the environment. In general, many people feel like society is broken… And this shows up in politics all the time. But if you can commit to a single person of your own choosing, and honor that commitment by sacrificing time, money,… Read more »
I’ve been married for 39 years and with the exception of number 5, they all still apply. In my case, with a couple of exceptions in time, I have always been the sole earner of my family. Accordingly, as careers go, I moved up the corporate latter. I love being married, I love having a wife who is there for me. Just kicking back and doing nothing is enjoyable. On the occasions that we’re apart, it sucks … neither of us sleep well. But to be honest with you, I’m not sure if the younger generation has it in them… Read more »
Old generations like to lament that “the younger generation [doesn’t have] it in them to be married,” but it’s a ruse. Young people don’t define culture, we INHERIT it from our elders. If we don’t value marriage, it’s because the generations before us never gave us a reason why we should. I know plenty of people, especially young men, who would like to be married. But we’re surrounded by young women whose parents told them to put some other thing first — be it their career, God, or their children, if they have them already. By the time they get… Read more »
Hey Tom. Loved your post and hearing about all the love you have for your wife. I’m listening! I also totally agree with this : “It seems that the younger generation is more interested in what they can get out of the relationship then what they can put into it. I love taking care of my wife and she feels the same toward me.” I do think my generations and younger is more focused on *i* and what we can get than what we can give. They don’t call it the *i* phone for nothing. DD, you talked about being… Read more »
My husband and I have no problem telling people that marriage is overrated. It works for us, we love being married, but it isn’t for everyone. It’s treated like a milestone or a rite of passage, and your wedding is supposed to be “the happiest day of your life”. Didn’t the great scholar They also say something similar about high school? Our wedding day was fun, but we feel bad for anyone for whom that was the best and happiest day of their life. I had more fun during the first hour and a half of our meeting. I remember… Read more »
Jessica, I don’t think that marriage is overrated…. It’s just wrongly rated. If you think it is going to bring romance and rainbows, it can’t do that. It cannot make our constant slide into decrepitude any less certain. It cannot make use feel woozy for 20 years straight. On the other hand, you can love someone for a very long time and steadily work at improving your ability against your own laziness, weakness, and stubbornness. Not everybody approaches it this way. Not everybody stays married. But, my partner surprises me all the time. I surprise myself. And together, along with… Read more »
What if marriage itself needs a make-over? At this point, marriage for most people means a very prescribed way of living life for the rest of your life. And the problem with that is this: I know of very few people who are good at fitting into that mold every day for the rest of their lives. I think that marriage would do much better if we began seeing it as an individual contract between two people and that we make it explicit that the rules of every marriage should be negotiated and renegotiated at regular intervals. For example, you… Read more »
Excellent points Lynn. I think you’re right that we need to re-imagine & re-construct marriage for 21st century America. I hadn’t thought about it in those terms.
YES! Couldn’t have said it better myself, Lynn. Genius answer.
Hi Lynn
If you want to live with a man or a woman today and draw up your own contract, nothing can stop you. At least if you live in the West.
The marriage contract Is the contract written by others,the society you live in.( It makes divorce lawyers wealthy.)
You can live with another person and write your own contract,but what happens when conflicts arise and you want to split up? Will your contract protect your interests?
If your own private contract is good enough, why marry?
Well, the marriage contract gets renegotiated all the time. Some part of the marriage isn’t working, so you begin renegotiations to see how you can get it to work. That is, to my way of thinking, what marriage counseling is all about: renegotiating the contract so that everyone gets his or her needs met. Some people find that they benefit from the legal contract of marriage for a number of different reasons, the more vital one being health insurance. In countries where you can have domestic partnerships, they are flourishing among straight couples over marriage. It makes more sense to… Read more »
Out of the 5 benefits you listed to get married, I think there’s a high risk or even probability that the first 4 will fade away over time. If they were even there to begin with.
That, I think, is the first place to look for the “bad rap” of marriages.
(But I guess you could file those under “Unmet expectations”.)
Fair point FlyingKal. Then again, if those things aren’t there to begin with, why on earth are these people getting married?!
Hear, hear!
@Andrew Smiler:
Then again, if those things aren’t there to begin with, why on earth are these people getting married?!
I don’t know.
Maybe because marriage as an institution has too good a reputation to it? At least it often seems to be the case that jumping into a marriage will magically dissolve the disputes of a relationship.
Like Andrew said, if the first 4 aren’t there to begin with, what’s up with proposing marriage? For those that DID/DO have the first 4 and they fade… well no one said marriage was going to be a walk in the park. It takes a lot of WORK to make a solid marriage. For those that thought/think marriage is easy, you’re delusional. Marriage is a giant leap of faith in positive character building. What does it say about you when you make a promise and then just back out because you’re not “feeling it” anymore? There are so many valid… Read more »
G, I think that the divorce rate is a testiment to the perception that when entering into a marriage, at least one of the partners that the first 4 don’t need to be worked upon any longer…
For me, it’s mostly the lack of freedom that makes me hate marriage. Of the benefits listed… I had more friends, more discretionary spending power, and more satisfying sex when I was single. It’s hard to enjoy companionship, emotional intimacy, or friendship with your wife when she is the gate keeper to your sex life and does a poor job of meeting your needs in that arena. If marriage were the “hip” thing… don’t you think more people who unwisely rush into it? And that more people would be unhappier as a result? The only thing I plan to do… Read more »
I”m sorry to hear that your marriage isn’t what you’d like. I hope the two of you can find some solutions that you can both live with. That said, the “average” single guy reports less emotioal intimacy, sex, companionship than the “average” married guy. Most of that research relies on guys over 50 who’ve been married 20+ years (vs. not married). THere are certainly lots of exceptions.
I don’t know that we could really have more people unwisely rushing into it, but I get your point. Perhaps what we really need to do is make it harder to get married.
I don’t know how useful “average” is in understanding people’s situations. The average income in a town can be way skewed by a few extremely high earners. And hearing a spouse or counselor discuss what’s average and how your life situation relates to it doesn’t make that life any more satisfying. I think “average” is often an excuse to settle and sets the bar low. I didn’t get married in the hopes of having an average life. I thought I was marrying someone exceptional. If not, I wouldn’t have proposed, as I had a pretty low opinion of marriage to… Read more »
this is really thought-provoking. I’d never thought of marriage as “getting a bad rap,” but then, I’m thinking from the typical woman’s perspective. Among women, engagement is almost never greeted with condolences. Nor among my male friends, honestly, so now that you mention it, I can absolutely see how for a large chunk of the population, marriage is seen as the end of all the things that “make a man’s life great”: freedom, hooking up, wild parties. I would argue, though, that the four points you mention at the end are not “reasons marriage bashing IS OK” but rather are… Read more »
Thanks Emily. I agree with you: those are reasons people use to justify marriage-bashing; they don’t actually make marriage-bashing ok.