Shhh. I have a secret. It’s something nobody tells you about marriage.
In fact, it’s something you should’ve known way before you even got married.
And it can put you in a position where you feel like you’ve lost yourself with your wife and wonder…
Who I am with her? Do I want to continue as things are?
You might even feel like you can do nothing right for her. Or you have to walk on eggshells around her.
I remember years ago when I was in this position, thinking, what I wouldn’t give to get clarity on the future of my marriage. If I only knew then what I know now.
Regardless, what I learned is this one thing. A thing that is critical to know if you want to stay in your marriage or not.
Do you want to know the future of your relationship?
If clarity has been elusive, chances are you were overlooking this one thing.
And here’s a chance to finally figure it out.
But I’m not gonna BS you, it takes a little bit of work.
Are you willing to do some work to get clear on your marriage’s prospects?
Every day you feel this one thing with your partner – in your ability to speak openly and to feel trusted and safe.
But in its absence, you often feel attacked, not enough or unable to make her happy.
So, here it is. And I’m going to follow it up with a critical question.
In a nutshell, it’s… how you’ve entangled your nervous system with that of your partner.
You see, your nervous system is constantly giving you signals about the current state of your marriage – if you’re ok, if you’re not, if you’re vulnerable to attack or safe to engage.
There’s a ton of information readily available within you. And you likely have a sense of it but it’s very rare that an individual knows the meaning of it or what it’s clearly telling them.
To get to that clarity, consider this one related question that gets straight to the core of what you’re feeling and what’s going on inside of you.
When I think of the future, 5, 10 years down the road, do I want to continue to be entangled in the nervous system of my partner or not?
To answer, it helps to pause and slow things down. Take a few breaths and get out of your head. Below the neck, I like to say. Feel the answer in your body.
That’s the no bullshit zone where you’re not trying to argue your way out of information that scares you.
Give it a try right now. Close your eyes for five seconds. Ask yourself the question. See what your body says.
Can you try this for a moment?
For a lot of guys, it’s a hell no, I don’t want to stay entangled in her nervous system. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, she’s hysterical.
For many women, it’s he’s checked out, he’s withdrawn, I don’t know where the man is, I can’t relax or trust him.
But let’s be clear, this might just be where you are in this moment.
What if instead of just wanting to get the hell out of your marriage, you could pause, slow things down, and make peace with all your inner voices?
Because chances are if you’re reading this there’s another part of you that wants to make things work.
There’s a lot to consider. Your kids, mutual assets, the family. Self-judgements of being the jerk who blows up his family. The asshole who betrays his partner.
Let’s get real. It’s not just as simple as, do I want to stay connected to my partner or not?
But with the noise of all your other concerns, you rarely get to the “gut information” about your nervous system and what you’re choosing relationally.
In fact, often we won’t go there because we fear the answer.
And yet getting to that “gut truth” will help you know what you’re in the room with.
Why you struggle so much to move forward.
And how easy it is to stay stuck and frozen without clarity, for months, years, and even decades.
What if it wasn’t just about saving or leaving your relationship but about leaving who you’ve become in your relationship and becoming a better version of you to make the best decision possible?
And from there you’d be in a much stronger place to make this huge decision.
To get to the “gut truth” about the future of your relationship and what it’s really telling you, check out the video below.
Do you want to make the right decision about your marriage?
Regardless of whether you save or leave your relationship, you, your kids, and your wife deserve a better version of you. And it’s from there that you’ll make the right decision for you and your family moving forward.
Getting there is not rocket science but it can feel elusive. To get it right. To be present with fear instead of avoiding it. To step out of your comfort zone and into transformation with wise guidance.
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Previously published on stuartmotola.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
