Apocalypse, Now
What the hell is gluten, anyway? Which is to say: is this something that always plagued a certain portion of the world’s population, like an undetected allergy, or a type of animal just discovered in a disappearing rainforest, equal parts mystery and miracle? Or is it a new phenomenon, made possible by the ways we warm and shrink the world, and if so, doesn’t it make sense that as we make the world more in our image that the world, being part of us, will lash out, equal parts instinct and armor? Have all our prescriptions and modifications and genetic mutations and futile attempts to pay our way to immortality made us softer, more susceptible? As we throw money and microplastics into the furnace closing in on all sides, are we giving oxygen to an enemy within? And how do we discover, much less understand things like antibodies and preservatives, much less economics and ecology? You are what you eat, but you become what you think, and all of us are devoured by the things we fear, death not least. Endangered species, equal parts design and destiny, we try to outsmart or at least outmaneuver fate that will make all of us food, finally, to sustain a planet that is itself burning to death at the speed of light from dead stars.
English Professor Explains He’s Not Crying, via Zoom: Fall 2025
Hey guys, good to see everyone. First thing, I’m not upset, my eyes are, well it’s my…does anyone else here have allergies? Yes? Okay you get it. Yup, my allergies, every time this year go insane and my eyes itch, they water, I have sneezing fits, always at the worst times, and even my ears start to feel like they’re filed with pollen. It’s crazy, and this is just because trees are…having sex, essentially. No, seriously, it’s how nature, well, never mind, let’s not go there. But anyway, if it looks like I’ve been crying it’s because my face is totally swollen. It’s not that I’m, well of course I’m upset, I mean look at…everything. I know, let’s not even talk about politics but no matter how you feel, I mean as long as you exercised your right to vote that’s all that matters, and I’ll remind you that the only thing the ruling class desires is if the younger folks check out. We don’t get into partisan, but look, one of the reasons we are exploring how narrative works is because everything is story…we can look at books all day long, but we need to finally understand that commercials are stories, business plans are stories, a restaurant menu is a story, your tax return is a story, ok, none of you pay taxes yet but you get what I’m saying. Do you know what I mean? Political campaigns are stories and the ones that use better narratives are more effective, and there are stories behind those stories and that’s why we have History courses, even though the real stories aren’t, well no need to run down that rabbit hole. And unfortunately, one party can’t ever seem to get out of its own way and tell a good story, I’m not saying which one, well, look, it’s not getting super political to simply observe that the Democrats have traditionally been terrible story tellers. It wasn’t always this way, it’s a cultural thing, too. We could spend the whole class talking about FDR—that’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt, you know the dude who saved us from the Depression—and his fireside chats—how revolutionary those were. Did you get that in High School? History 101? The only thing we have to fear is fear itself? Talk about the power of story! And we could spend the entire semester talking about Bubba…does anyone remember. No, well you know Hillary Clinton, right? Well, her husband, Bill, used to be president. That guy was a natural storyteller. That’s one hundred percent how he won, by the way. That’s why, even after everyone dismissed him, I mean they thought he was a redneck and dumb, and it was perfect because he lived in a flyover state so he had the street cred; he was able to turn the tables, but he was also smart, but I mean, that guy could talk. Anyway, we can totally tie this into our discussion today. I just want to make sure I acknowledge, is anyone else upset? We don’t need to, I shouldn’t go there, but I want this to be a safe space, you know what I mean? Seriously. You know how I always say there are more important things than school, and yes you need to study and complete your assignments, but you have to take care of yourselves—look out for each other. That’s why we’re in this mess—our country has spent the last four decades making personal prosperity a gospel, and that leads to sociopaths as CEOS and then suddenly the Humanities are under attack and no one has empathy and…I mean connect the dots, right? Okay, don’t get me started, and I know I promised we wouldn’t get into political stuff in this class, you know how they have a separation between church and state. Ha, talk about a good story. If we don’t read these novels or bother understanding history, we don’t even see what’s coming, even though if we actually read this stuff, the same books that these billionaires make fun of, we’d see them for what they are, and I mean think about it, that’s why the arts are always under attack. These things are connected! If these rich pricks didn’t think stories mattered, we wouldn’t have books being burned—oh yeah, separation of church and state, right? Any kind of censorship is a sign that they know the best artists always get them in their sights, so if we eliminate close reading, we don’t have critical thought and then we have, well we amuse ourselves to death. Anyone ever heard of Neil Postman? What about Marshall McLuhan? Yeah right, just kidding. Okay, but I mean Karl Marx. You’ve read Orwell right. 1984? You’ve heard of Orwell, right? Read Animal Farm—you can knock it out in an afternoon, it explains everything. They don’t want you to read Orwell. Read it as an act of rebellion! Don’t look at it as homework. The books you read might save your life! Okay, okay, I know, but you asked me why I look so upset. Well, you didn’t literally ask, but I could tell, I can read the room, even if it’s in Zoom, haha. I’m actually fine you know why? Because I look at you all and I remember that it’s always the young ones, the students, the next generation who sees through our bullshit and demands change. It’s always the youth that gets blamed but it’s up to them, it’s up to you guys to save us. Are you guys going to save us? No pressure, right? Seriously though, this is your life, being on social media isn’t going to, no, I’m not saying we can’t have our distractions. But please read Orwell. Ah—bless you! See, I’m not the only one having sneezing fits. Remember to mute yourself, and you can all sneeze in peace. Even people who didn’t use to have allergies are now suffering; I’ve read about this; it really is getting worse. The seasons are longer because of, can anyone guess? You got it, climate change. Shocker, right? Speaking of storytelling; these cretins have convinced half the world to pretend putting all this shit, uh, these chemicals and stuff. That’s why we have regulations, but you need to tell a good story to make people understand. What I’m saying is that when people say they are doing their own research, there’s lots of money, tons of it, behind what the media, the liberal media, haha, describes as objective or alternate points of view. Remember Alternative Facts? Anyway, did you know it was a book that caused Teddy Roosevelt to enact legislation to make food safe? No, not Franklin Roosevelt, this was Teddy, he came first. The Jungle! That was a book about meatpackers in Chicago and you would not believe what they used to get away with. Upton Sinclair told a great story! He just described what was happening in those factories and the president of the United States read it and responded. Yes, let’s laugh at a day when presidents used to read books. And by the way, the immigrants are always getting shit on, they are the easy scapegoats. Nothing has changed guys, trust me. And the best storytellers help people connect the dots and if you take nothing else from this class, I hope you give more thought to how, well, none of this is new is all I’m saying. It’s not even really political to make that point. You can go all the way back to Shakespeare, or even earlier. The Greek tragedies had all this stuff. They’re talking about the same things that seem brand new, today—and that’s why art matters, that’s why they want to defund the Humanities! If enough people had read Julius Caesar, hell if they’d read Catch-22 they could have, well, nobody could have predicted Trump, I mean, well look I can say his name, I’m just going to say it’s like a perfect storm—simply academic to note that, I’m not getting political, I promise. But listen, I totally respect everyone’s opinion and as long as you bother to vote it’s better—they want you to be apathetic, so you have to vote, and get your friends to vote—that’s one of the reasons we’re in this mess, they expect young people to simply tune out. So, when I say Trump’s name, I’m just pointing out that they don’t want you in this classroom right now! They are erasing history! It’s not political to point out that our country is on fire right now. The Fire Next Time! James Baldwin, anyone? He laid it all out, just like MLK Jr. or Malcolm X. This is not new, but it’s definitely news, you know what I’m saying? Look, I know we’re not supposed to bring politics into the classroom. I won’t do it. I’ll just, let me make one point: politics are already in the classroom. You don’t think there’s politics in the Econ classes? In the law school? They don’t call it politics; it’s all politics. There’s more politics in an MBA program than all the English seminars in the world! Check it out: The opinion that art should have nothing to do with politics is itself a political attitude. Anyone know who said that? Orwell! Yes, Mr. Animal Farm. When you read 1984 you’re gonna be like “what is this a documentary?” Seriously, I’m kidding but it’s also, you laugh so you don’t cry. And I’m not crying! It’s just allergies…
To himself he says this.
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