Are You an Emotionally Present Father?

The statistics are staggering on the effects of a fatherless home.

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The fact that you’re here on this site is proof enough that you desire to be a better man. To improve in some area of your life and make a positive impact on the world around you. Bravo for taking the first steps towards being a better man.

If it hasn’t happened already, at some point you will most likely be a dad. And just like your desire to be a better man, I would assume you would have the desire to be a better father. 

I’m not sure there’s one dad out there who ever thought, “I want to be a terrible father. I want to be a bad dad.” I certainly never thought that. I knew I wanted to be a good dad, and I wanted to be present with my children.

The statistics are staggering on the effects of a fatherless home. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children from fatherless homes are more likely to become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, suffer from physical and emotional health, drop out of school, and commit suicide.

There are millions of children who live in a home without the physical presence of a father. There are millions more who live in a home with a dad who is emotionally absent. And the statistics are not much better for homes with emotionally absent fathers.

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There was a time in my life when I played on three softball teams, but that came to an abrupt end when my wife and I started having kids. Then my extracurricular activities were squeezed even further when our kids got older, and I started coaching their teams.

Unless you actively seek out advice and training on how to be a good dad, you’re left to draw on your experience with your dad and trial and error. Unfortunately, there are a lot of trials and many errors. By the time you figured out a few things that you’ve done wrong, your kids are grown up and gone.

Three of our four kids are married. Our oldest daughter recently had our first grandchild. Some of the memories of young kids are coming back to me. One of them was my desire to be a present dad. My wife would do a lot for them. I wanted in on it.

Moms have a special way of caring for their kids. Most moms just seem to have the touch. I wanted that touch—more than just holding our kids, more than just feeding them. How could I begin to create a special bond with them at a younger age?

One day I was holding one of our kids and noticed his toenails. I had never thought about it. They must grow, and they need to be cut. For some reason, I had not seen my wife ever cut our kids’ toenails or fingernails. I’m sure she had. I just never noticed. 

It was that day that I cut their toenails. My eyes were opened. It was a simple process, but I entered into a special time of being present. Holding their feet. Letting them know they could trust me. I carefully cut their toenails.

It seems so silly and such a small thing. There was a bond present that I had not experienced before. Beyond the macho dad things that I thought I needed to be, it was the small, delicate tasks that allowed me to be present.

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I asked our kids if they remembered me cutting their toenails, and they would shake their heads. I didn’t remember it until our granddaughter was sitting on my lap this weekend.

I want to be present in her life. I want to be a present grandpa. I’m not sure what that means. All this baby stuff is new all over again for me. I’ll read her books. I’ll tell her stories.

For now, I get to hold her. I say crazy little things and make faces to get her to smile. When she cries, I get to hand her back to her parents. That’s the beauty of being a grandparent.

Maybe one day, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to cut her toenails.

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Photo: Flickr/ Christopher Lucka