I used to be clingy as heck, and it’s still something that I don’t talk a lot to people until today because it was hard to admit.
The thing is, at least where I live, we are told that the more clingy you are to your partner, the better. As a result, girls tend to control their men and have unrealistic expectations.
I’ve had many friends in my circle who “had to” break up with their partners because they couldn’t keep up with their clinginess. Texting all day long and talking for hours at night doesn’t mean your relationship is healthy and strong.
And that’s something that I had to deal with in the past couple of years. I had a hard time unlearning all of those things on my own. I don’t want to have high expectations over my partner to the point where I based my happiness on what he’s doing in our relationship.
Because I don’t have control over his actions or emotions that day, and being disappointed over your own expectation sounds stupid to me. Though I’m not there yet where I have 0 clingy days in a month, I learned to reduce it little by little.
***
Come Back to Yourself
The first thing you need to do is shift your energy back into yourself. How long has it been since you sit down and make a list of things that can make you happy? If you don’t remember, then it’s the best time to do it.
Go out and have a date with yourself alone, think of anything exciting outside of your relationship, and get really in the zone in your hobby such as writing, painting, playing the guitar — anything that makes you feel better.
This one has always worked for me because I know, when the clinginess hits me, nothing will cure it better than coming back to myself. I have full control of my emotions, and that makes me feel content.
Reevaluate the Routine in Your Relationship
Every relationship has a routine. Be it the frequency of talking over the phone or catching up in person — depending on your situation.
My partner and I are still on the long-distance, at least until the end of this year, so we have a routine where we would talk once every two days over the phone for one hour, and we barely text aside from those good morning/good night texts.
This is so far our best routine, and it’s easier to keep it going. If you asked me two years ago, then it’d look completely different. I used to be so attached to the relationship itself and cling to it for validation.
That’s why we decided to change the routine and make more space for ourselves. The truth is, life is more than just a relationship, and you’ll see just how many other things in life that could make you as much happier as your partner if you look deeper into it.
And when you’ve found your own “little” world outside the relationship, you’ll no longer feel clingy and expect your partner to be there all the time.
Lower Your Expectations
The first thing people say when you tell them one of your friends disappointed you is, “just lower your expectations.” — which sounds a lot easier said than done.
But how do you actually do it?
My best practice has always been putting myself in my partner’s situation. Imagine you have to deal with the crazy work life, and your partner keeps demanding your 24/7 attention; how do you feel? So much pressure, right?
That one insight right there usually is enough for me to stop being clingy and expect too much. Because I already knew the patterns. Once we get clingy, we tend to expect “more,” and just like other things in life, sometimes things don’t go as we planned, so we get disappointed, and that can lead to unnecessary arguments and drama.
So I decided to stop it on the way before it ruins everything. Also, the drama isn’t worth my time.
Say “No” More Often
Yes, you can say “no” to your partner, too, and it’s not a sin.
People mistakenly think that they have to say “No” to everyone except their family and partner. Which later leads them to have more stressed and complains, “why everyone doesn’t understand me.”
I said NO a lot to my closest people, and that includes my partner. Back then, I used to feel bad for doing it because I was supposed to be there — like all the time. But how could I be there for them when I couldn’t even deal with my own issues? That would only make us argue and create more drama.
So whenever I don’t feel good or my anxiety goes up, I refused to talk to anyone over the phone and just spend time alone, and I don’t have to apologize for that.
Saying no to your partner doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Of course, this has to depend on the situation. But this practice will help you learn how to prioritize yourself and deal with your own emotions instead of clinging to your partner and expecting them to make you feel better.
Stay Busy
Staying busy will keep you spend less time dwelling on negative thoughts. So there won’t be any time for you left to feel clingy and needy all the time.
I worked in the education industry two years ago, and I wasn’t interested in whatever I was doing and did it only for the money. So I was bored and thought about my relationship — a lot.
I became very clingy because I let my life revolved around the relationship, and my partner has also felt so much pressure with my expectations without I realized it.
Now I feel so much better after I changed the field and do some deep work in the industry. I got so busy thinking about all those “what ifs” scenarios in my head or why he hasn’t called in two days.
So if you think that your environment makes you become too clingy, consider changing it. Even small things like adding a “yoga” routine in the morning can help you relocate that time for a better activity.
***
Final Thoughts
No relationship is perfect, really; there will always be something that both parties need to improve. But there are definitely things that you can do on your own to make it better.
There is nothing wrong with being clingy once in a while, but when it gets too much, it will drag your relationship to the rabbit hole and put both you and your partner under unnecessary stress.
I’ve been there, and that’s the worst year in our relationship journey. I wish I could work on myself with those steps above the way before.
If you love your partner enough, you’ll do anything not to let it ruin your relationship. After all, we are all responsible for our own emotions.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock