He was beginning to wonder if she had any interest in his interests at all. They were on a patio of a popular restaurant with romantic surroundings and great food. Only, she’s been texting the entire time. When she wasn’t on her phone, she was looking around to see who else was in the restaurant. She constantly talked over him and didn’t seem to hear a word he ever spoke.
He’s been trying to feel a connection with her for a few months now, but he doesn’t know if that’s even a possibility for anyone, let alone himself. Yes, they’re together, but he still has no clue who she really is.
Could she be a narcissist? It’s possible. However, being easily distracted and shallow doesn’t automatically mean narcissism.
***
Meanwhile, in another scenario, a woman often wonders why her partner is even with her. They’ve been together for three years now and they never seemed satisfied with anything she said or did. Her partner was perfect at the beginning, but now… they’re highly critical of her opinions and very self-inflated. She’s seriously thinking of ending things.
***
Her partner could be a narcissist, however, self-confidence or arrogance isn’t the same as narcissism. Half my former partners would be narcissists if that were true.
According to the DSM-5, there is a set of criteria for someone to be labelled with a narcissistic personality disorder. This criterion is also on a spectrum that can be anywhere from mild to severe.
So whether you’re dating someone new, or currently in a relationship, you may want to look out for some of the following key signs.
- They feel highly entitled with an excessive amount of self-importance
- They are high-maintenance in that they need constant admiration and to be considered superior
- They will exaggerate accomplishments or even favours they’ve done to impress others
- They are obsessed with power, wealth or beauty, to a level in which they refuse to associate with anyone who does not meet their expectations
- They may take advantage of a situation to look better to others. They will do favours for others only if they will be publicly acknowledged for it
- They won’t think twice about taking advantage of someone to accomplish their goals or get what they want
- They seem to completely lack empathy or an understanding of the feelings of others
- They will strongly believe everyone else wants to be them
- They need to have the best of everything, even if they can’t afford it
- Will express grandiosity if others challenge them, they are almost untouchable
- Destructive in relationships and do not generally form close bonds to anyone
- Can be charming and charismatic for appearance purposes, they need to have others speak highly of them
- Will never apologize, will never admit to being wrong
- They’ve been known to gaslight their partners
- Underneath all that, they actually lack self-esteem
The American Journal of psychology
It’s easy to dislike a narcissist, I know I would struggle with befriending a narcissist, but it’s sad at the same time. Those with a truly diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder are often incapable of forming close relationships… of any kind.
A very important person in my life once told me that although you cannot control how others behave, you have full control over how you respond.
Learning this bit of advice improved my life, my relationships and my work. It’s something that I have also passed onto my children.
***
If you’re with a narcissist, perhaps consider why you are with them. Do you see a pattern in their behaviour? More importantly, do you see a pattern in whom you gravitate towards?
Those who are in a relationship with a narcissist tend to recognize and even predict reactions from their partner. They start walking on eggshells to avoid triggering or upsetting them.
A perfect partner would be someone who makes you feel validated and important. They value your input and ideas that a narcissist never would.
The ideal partner will make us feel loved and comforted. We will suddenly start appreciating ourselves and will feel comfortable with who we are and before we know it, we will see the value of our own true selves. And when you find that… you’ll know it, and there will be no second-guessing that relationship…
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This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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