Are You Gaslighting Yourself in Your Relationship?

“I’m making too big a deal out of this.”

“I must have said/done something wrong for them to treat me this way.”

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”

If you’ve recently said some version of one of these statements, you’re either Taylor Swift (see #3, Anti-Hero), or you may be in a relationship where you’re gaslighting yourself.

I know, I know, it’s a term that’s thrown around a bit too liberally these days. But it’s a very real problem in many romantic, familial and platonic relationships. Gaslighting is usually something one person does to another; it’s a manipulation technique that deflects blame and responsibility and is meant to make the other person question their version of reality.

But it is entirely possible — and not uncommon — for someone to gaslight themselves in a relationship, especially if they have an anxious attachment style and fear that any significant conflict will cause their partner to leave. This is not the same as being oblivious to problems, and it’s not as straightforward as pure conflict-avoidance. Instead, it’s a self-manipulation that is performed at least somewhat consciously.

For example, take any interaction in which your partner says or does something you find insensitive or otherwise hurtful. You consider your next move. In these scenarios, I often imagine the classic cartoon image of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other: the angel is telling you, “Your feelings and perceptions are real and valid,” while the devil insists, “Don’t rock the boat or you’ll end up alone.”

Here’s where the gaslighting process begins. You listen to the devil and your anxiety takes over, allowing self-doubt to creep in and downplay the pain or unfairness of the situation. It’s amazing how quickly your justified anger or sadness can turn into the belief that you were overreacting or misinterpreting things.

Maybe you don’t bring it up at all, or if you do, you minimize your feelings and accept the flimsiest of apologies. Maybe you find yourself apologizing for some imaginary thing you may have done to provoke this behavior. (Speaking as someone who has done exactly that, I can tell you it is as humiliating and cringeworthy as it sounds.)

Gaslighting by a partner is unacceptable, and it makes genuine love and intimacy impossible. Gaslighting yourself is no different; there is no long-term potential for a relationship where you are invalidating your own feelings.

So how do you stop? Here are a few strategies:

Question Self-Defeating Thoughts

All too often, we speak to ourselves in ways we would never think to speak to someone we care about. Gaslighting yourself falls under this negative-self-talk umbrella, and it’s setting you up for unhappiness and — quite likely — failure in your relationship. It’s worthwhile to acknowledge your imperfections (as a therapist, I prefer to call these “areas for growth”) and recognize instances where you may have misread someone else’s behavior or intentions. But a natural reaction to the way someone you love treats you can never be “wrong,” even if your partner sees things differently.

When invalidating thoughts start circulating, imagine hearing them from your sibling, your best friend, or someone else you care about deeply. Imagine what you would say to that person to help them realize their emotions have merit and they deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Try to take that message to heart.

Consult Your No-B.S. Friend

This is the friend who always gives it to you straight and will tell you in cases where you truly are making a mountain out of a molehill. Explain that you think you’re having trouble seeing your relationship issues clearly, and ask your friend to weigh in on the incident or pattern of behavior that’s bothering you. (Bonus points if there’s a text chain to share and analyze.) It sometimes takes an outsider’s validation to give you the strength to stand by your initial read of a situation.

Reframe Your Perception of Conflict

Conflict can feel terrifying, especially in a relationship that’s relatively new and/or loosely defined. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it’s the way superficial relationships become deep relationships — by working through issues rather than sweeping them under the rug or carefully avoiding any bumps in the road. Contrary to what many of us picture, conflict doesn’t have to include an emotionally charged confrontation with tears or raised voices. It can be resolved calmly, with love, mutual respect, and a desire by both people to get back to a good place.

If your partner shows you they are incapable of discussing problems without going nuclear, that is useful information on its own. Better to see that relationship red flag as early as possible and hopefully save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

Assess Your Anxiety

Anxiety is the root of so many evils in relationships, and gaslighting yourself is one of them. Perhaps you’re anxious about losing the other person if you speak honestly about how their actions affect you, or if you take a clear-eyed look at the issues in the relationship. Perhaps it’s less about losing the other person and more about losing the relationship and everything you’ve invested in it.

Perhaps you’re anxious because you grew up around relationships where people couldn’t be open with one another, or where conflict was never resolved productively. Or perhaps you’re anxious because you worry that showing your true self will be met with rejection.

If you stop gaslighting yourself, one or more of those things might happen. That is cause for anxiety, I’ll admit. But operating in a constant state of fear over the what-if’s is no way to carry on a relationship.

Diminishing your own feelings only serves to diminish your sense of self-worth, and it won’t make the underlying problems go away. If you’re honest with your partner and with yourself and it doesn’t work out, you’ll still have come out ahead. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t require hiding what you truly need from the person you love.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***