Are You Truly Ready To Settle Down or Are You Just Feeling Lonely?

While there’s nothing wrong with being single, but at some point in life, you will start thinking about being in a relationship and finally settling down.

The problem is, are you truly ready, or is it just to fill the void? Your answer will mostly determine whether your relationship is healthy or not. I’ve witnessed people who decided to get married just because they couldn’t handle the loneliness.

But this isn’t surprising. Our society teaches us how much we need someone else to make us happy or determine our value. It’s true that life is more meaningful when you have someone to share with, but only if that someone is right for you.

Think of it this way; you’ll spend the rest of your life with this one person. Especially in a marriage, there’s no going back. Sure, you can say, “I’ll just get. a divorce when it doesn’t work.” But knowing people who have been through that, it’s surely not worth it.

So why not make an effort earlier to make sure that you are ready and choose the right person? There are definitely things that you can do.

Get clear with what you want, and you don’t want

It’s funny how the healthy and stable couples I’ve met always say they know what they want in a partner. They didn’t just get married because they think they are lonely or even worse, the society asks them to do it.

They get clear with the type of person they’d like to be with. It doesn’t necessarily mean they want a supermodel or super-rich partners. It’s more of the personal traits and matching the values.

Why is this so important?

Simply because if you don’t even know what you need, then you’ll just accept anything there is. You can be settling down with the wrong person, and you might not know it.

I also noticed this is also what separates people who have a successful and long-lasting relationship from those who can’t get out from toxic relationships/marriages because they don’t think they don’t deserve a better one.

What you can do:

A Youtuber, Sorelle Amore, taught me how to write down my ideal partner as specific as I can. Their characters, their goals, and what they value in life. And this has worked the best for me.

If you just don’t know where to start, you can grab a pen and a notebook then you can start writing down what do you want in a partner. Everyone has their own definition of the “right” partner, so you have to create yours.

You also need to write what you can or can’t tolerate in a relationship. This is important because you’ll know your standard.

Get comfortable with being alone.

I’ve got some rich friends who can’t be alone for even one day. They always hang out, sleep over, and spend zero time alone. Their day-to-day life is full of non-stop socializing with people — as if they have to be around people 24/7.

But I also know they are the least happy people I’ve ever met. Being around people doesn’t mean they are excited and grateful — instead, they are always complaining and have a hard time meeting the right person.

If you still feel like you always need someone else to feel happy, then it’s better not to rush into settling down first. It’s crucial to get to know yourself before you invest your time in understanding your partner.

A relationship is hard work. If you don’t truly know yourself, then there’s a higher chance you’ll lose yourself in the way. So get comfortable with spending some time alone and take full advantage of your single life now.

What you can do:

Have you gone for lunch at a restaurant by yourself? How do you deal with the FOMO feeling when you are alone at the beach? Do you feel comfortable when you are just stuck in your room doing nothing?

Try those activities on your own instead of trying to get someone else to accompany you all the time. The more comfortable you are with being alone, the more responsible you are for your own happiness. So in a way, you won’t be desperately needing a new partner to fill the empty void.

Always have a goal outside of your relationship.

Nothing feels worse than revolving your whole life only on your relationship. I’ve been there, and I can say it’s the fastest way to turn your relationship into a toxic one. If your partner is the one who does this, it’s necessary for them to take a step back and work on themselves.

Women, especially, like to think that their values are based on their relationships. It’s their identity and what determines whether they are successful in life or not.

The truth is, life is more than that. As Oprah said, you can have everything but not all at the same time.

So you don’t have to choose either focusing your life on your relationship or doing something else for your career. Many people have proved they can do both and are still happy.

In fact, the more you revolve your life around your partner and the relationship, the more lost you’d feel. Those stable and happy couples have this one trait where they create their personal spaces and dreams that has nothing to do with their relationships.

What you can do:

I usually start this off by creating a new hobby. Small things such as learning how to journal digitally or doodling helps me not losing myself in the relationship.

So if you don’t have any yet, try to come up with something that excites you or maybe something in the past that you haven’t done for so long since you got into the relationship. Be intentional to work on those hobbies or new projects until you get to the point where you don’t depend on anyone else to feel “content.”

Parting Thoughts

I always believe that the universe (or you may call it God) will always give you something that you need. But not unless you are specific about it.

You might hear people say you will never feel ready when it comes to commitment. That’s not entirely true. You can always do something to make sure that you don’t just settle down because you can’t handle the loneliness.

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Previously Published on medium

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