A mother recently expressed frustration over her child’s attention seeking behavior. She described a young child crying out and clearly expressing a frustration over not getting attention.
Understandably this mother had worked all day, made dinner, even spent some time with and around the child, and had some time with a friend planned for the night which the child’s need would have interrupted.
This child cried out very clearly that a basic need of attunement was not being met, a need by the way that is indisputably necessary and when not met tends to escalate so-called “attention seeking behavior” and emotional dysregulation.
In response the mother began to explain all the reasons why her lack of attention was justifiable and presented supportive evidence as to why the child should not feel that way, essentially defending herself and scolding the child for being upset.
The attempt to reason with a brain that has not developed the skill of reasoning is futile and
this dismissive response taught the child more than a few negative lessons, amongst them…
- Her feelings are not valid and therefore she should doubt herself.
- Her self value is not worth much.
- The world is not safe.
- In order to calm myself I have to adopt the reasoning of others.
- If I ask for help I’m likely to face rejection so why bother.
You want to know why their is so much ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide in the world?
Because well intentioned parents are performing like this and missing the opportunity to engage with empathy. A simple act of shutting your mouth, listening, and saying I’m sorry would make all the difference.
You don’t have to be perfect as a parent but failing to attune & provide empathy is damaging. We don’t always understand reason when we hear it, but we do understand #empathy when we experience it.
Children’s behavior, attention seeking or otherwise, is always an attempt to meet a need. Although the behavior might need some redirection, we must address the need that brought us here in the first place.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Anastasia Zhenina on Unsplash
