Aziz Ansari and When #NoMeansNo Backfires

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Since the #MeToo revolution has begun, I don’t think we’ve seen a story as hotly contested as the Aziz Ansari v. “Grace” date gone wrong/assault. I have friends on both sides of the fence arguing passionately for their position; gay, straight…man, woman…young, old…I can’t get a consensus from any of them. Because I can honestly see both sides of this debate, I am going to call it out as a failure of the #NoMeansNo paradigm.

For anyone not familiar with the story (???), “Grace” (not her real name) approached celebrity Aziz (totally his real name) at a big Hollywood event and they exchanged contact info. A date was soon thereafter arranged, but the evening was not a successful or comfortable one for “Grace”. The biggest problem, as I see it, is that most women can TOTALLY relate to what she went through.
But most men cannot.

Maybe this is because many men have not had the experience of having a woman “make the first move” and ask them out (a big cultural problem). Maybe this is because once a date has been agreed upon, most men have not had a woman mistake their willingness to attend a movie or dinner as sexual consent. But perhaps most of all, this could be because men have been told to be aggressors/seducers and that consent exists unless #NoMeansNo; otherwise, a woman who does not use that specific word can find herself in a frightening, demoralizing situation.
“Grace” did not use that word, according to the testimonial she provided to Babe magazine.

What she recalls: “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’” Then later, “Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling.” And still later, “’I said, ‘next time.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, you mean second date?’ and I go, ‘Oh, yeah, sure,’ and he goes, ‘Well, if I poured you another glass of wine now, would it count as our second date?’”

Ladies and gentlemen, “let’s relax a sec”, pulling away and mumbling and most clearly “next time” mean NO, NOT THIS TIME.

This does not require “mind-reading” as stated in a NY Times opinion piece. It simply requires a brain that comprehends the concept of a thesaurus and that “no” has many synonyms; it simply requires a small comprehension of body language. From all evidence, Aziz Ansari is in possession of a fairly high-functioning brain and some intuition.

But wait a minute…I’m not writing this to attack anybody, as both sides have been relentlessly and viciously for the past few days. I am writing this to say: WHY AREN’T WE LISTENING TO EACH OTHER???? And why is #NoMeansNo being used as a weapon AGAINST women in excruciating situations?

I think a big problem is the most men, even nice men, don’t on any level understand the level of fear that may be present in many (most) women. Although intellectually they may accept that flirting is not consent, going on a date is not consent, kissing is not consent (only consent is consent) what they do NOT understand is how often woman have had kindness turned against them. The other day a stranger (man) paid me a very nice compliment, but I could not help but think—I would NEVER tell a strange man that he was handsome (or any variation) for fear of being followed home; too often banter in the grocery store can turn into pressure in the parking lot.
And that is why sometimes we don’t say “No”. Instead we say “Let’s chill” or “next time”. Because sometimes, even when we DO say “no”, things turn very ugly for us.

Maybe especially then.

Men, ask yourselves this question: have you been called “a bastard” (I guess this is the equivalent of being called “a bitch”) by a strange woman because you rejected her advances? Have you ever told a woman “I’m married” and been stalked anyhow? (Michael Douglas, put your hand down—that was a movie.) Have you ever paid a woman a nice compliment, only to have it turned against you with sexually aggressive behavior?

I’m sure some of you will say “yes”, but let me assure you…these are all experiences most woman have had on a repeated basis. Our attempts at kindness and “polite” refusal escalate into frightening and sometimes threatening situations. So is it any wonder we are often afraid to outright say “no”?

And even more troubling, is it possible that #NoMeansNo has given men carte blanche to ignore anything but?

So how about this: ONLY YES MEANS YES. Is that too complicated? Does it take the fun out of it somehow?

Look, I totally get that pop culture has sold a paradigm of the hard-to-get woman being won over by the persistent male, and it sure looks romantic when John Cusack is holding that boom box over his head in Say Anything. But in reality? We are now talking about a restraining order and why-oh-why can’t we listen to each other?

Let me bottom-line it for all the good men out there who want to hear: women are often AFRAID of you. This may not have anything to do with you and your conduct but that does NOT make her fear illegitimate or irrational. Her fear is about SURVIVAL.

Once you have been raped or assaulted or sexually humiliated, your relationship to your own sexuality and the attention of men is changed forever. Can we stop making this a “woman problem”? Can we accept, once and for all, that women being raped, assaulted and humiliated is a MAN problem?

Even if you ***THINK*** you aren’t one of “those men” (hi, Aziz!), you still have a responsibility to respond accordingly to both verbal (“let’s chill”; “next time”) and non-verbal (pulling away and muttering) cues. So maybe you don’t get to have sex tonight. But maybe you are promoting a culture where women feel safe with and respected by men.
Seems like a decent trade-off to me.

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