What is it to be a ‘good’ man? From the perspective of the #MeToo revolution, that is the burning question. For many, the answer seems simple. Perhaps, it is. But, it may not necessarily be so easy, so black and white. Maybe, the answer lies in taking baby steps, embracing slow, long-lasting change. Years of Aikido training with Sensei Dan helped me discover that mastery (growth) occurs over time and in small, incremental steps. It’s a process.
Throughout the last couple of years, I’ve been inundated by stories of the abuse of women, particularly at the hands of men. These peeks into the darker side of humanity are all very sad, tragic. Men in positions of power–be it in business, politics, or entertainment–have sexually abused or assaulted women, aggressively asserting power and dominance over those they abuse. These abusers leverage their positions of influence to enforce silence upon their victims. Oh, the shame, the entitlement! It’s utter BS!
In the #Metoo revolution, women and men have used their voices to courageously call out their abusers. They have discovered their own inherent powers within themselves, which inspires me. They should inspire all of us. #MeToo un-conceals this ‘toxic’ cultural stasis that has existed for longer than I—or any of us–can probably remember.
Maybe, resolution resides in various forums and bureaucratic bodies? Perhaps, but I believe what these brave survivors need more than anything is to make it all stop. The suffering has gone on long enough. Amen.
Rearing its ugly head is the concept of toxic masculinity, which results from (some) men, behaving, badly, because they can. Unfortunately, some powerful men (and some who are ‘not so powerful’) act, atrociously, entitled by the fact that they have a Y-chromosome. Therein lies the problem. Personally, I know checking one’s own behavior can be difficult to do, especially on an ongoing basis. Training others to do the same poses an even greater challenge.
I believe in my heart that before we can become ‘good’ men, we need to become good human beings. My friend Chery says, “Kindness begets kindness.” Moreover, she also taught me about the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi–the beauty in our imperfection.
We’re all imperfect. Getting that, it is clear that compassion is important for others, as well as for ourselves. Therefore, such awareness must begin with me.
The founder of Aikido, O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” That has been ‘the deal’ in my nearly 30 years of Aikido training: We must overcome ourselves. I accept my frailties and imperfections. I can choose to work on them or not. Most of all, I can learn to forgive myself for not being perfect and love who I am, regardless. That–in part–is overcoming me (or at least that’s a good place to start).
O-Sensei wisely said, “Opponents confront us, continually, but, actually, there is no opponent there.” Within that truth, I see that it is only me in the way. I am my greatest opponent. In Aikido, we train to “enter the attack and die with honor.” I surrender to the outcome whatever it may be. I match up with the attack, bringing the attack to me. As Sensei Bobby instructs: “Apply the technique to me. There’s no external opponent. I overcome me.”
Anything worth becoming occurs, incrementally. That is how long-lasting, positive change happens. This is true whether one wants to become a true student of Aikido or a ‘good’ man, which for all intents and purposes—in my view—are one and the same.
Make sure you read “Baby Steps – Part II” when you have a chance!
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Photo credit: By goodluz@Shutterstock
David – I love this photo!