Take a look at “Baby Steps – Part I” if you haven’t had a chance.
In Aikido training, we practice randori, which involves multiple attackers coming at you, grabbing you by the arms and shoulders, either from the back or the front. Essentially, they aim to take you down. On my part, I have to run away, let them pass, or throw the attacker for about a couple minutes (it seems way longer than that when you’re tired).
When I took my Shodan, the 1st-degree black belt test, Sensei Bobby had 3 black belts attack me. Subsequently, when I tested for Nidan, the 2nd-degree black belt, Sensei had 5 black belts attack. Somehow, I ‘ground it out’ for about 3 minutes until I got caught. Like most of my stories, this ended well: I passed.
During my first black belt test, there was no way I could throw 5 black belts. Absolutely, none. At the time, that was beyond the realm of possibility. However, when I took my Nidan test, it seemed as if I could do the impossible.
What was the difference? Well, during the three years in-between tests, I trained and trained and trained some more. I took the necessary baby steps. Now, sometimes, I failed, but I learned from my mistakes.
Taking baby steps creates what’s possible. It allows us to become greater than we know ourselves to be.
Back in 1976, I attended a distinguished all-boys college prep-school in Hawaii. I was grateful that my middle-class parents paid for my education. Moreover, I made friends for life, there, like John, Dave, and Ken. I believe we’ve grown into ‘good’ men from that experience. However, the culture was a lot different, then (1976 was no 2019). I can’t speak for my amazing friends, so I’ll speak for myself: I had a lot of growing up to do.
As teenage boys, we were full of bravado and testosterone. Attending an all-boys school seemed to magnify the effect of this precarious combination. You had to prove that you were ‘manly’, that you were cool. That inherently less-enlightened time created a homophobic culture, unfortunately. Back then, I didn’t know what homophobic was. The word really didn’t exist in my world.
For cred, I often used the other “f-word” to make myself look good and others look wrong. Yeah, I really was young and stupid. Looking back, however, I realize that kind of language becomes a way of thinking. We all, ultimately, live and arise out of our language.
Back in high school, I knew and had gay friends; although, at the time, I didn’t know. Things weren’t like they are, now. If you were gay, you had to pretend you weren’t; you didn’t have the freedom to just be. Reflecting, I realize hearing homophobic slurs so casually dropped must have been intolerable, demeaning, painful. Yet, they had to hold their tongues, as being “outed” often meant being outcast and ridiculed.
I suppose that is the definition of toxic masculine culture. More explicitly, it was the ‘place’ where not everyone had the freedom to be who they were. That was—is—truly sad.
In this cultural balance, there was a tremendous upside, however: Headmaster Coon. He taught us ‘old school’ values and manners. Honor and respect were highly emphasized and treasured. For example, when female students would visit the campus, we were trained to stand when they entered the classroom. The teacher would say, “Gentleman,” and we would get up from our desk chairs. We practiced manners. We practiced politeness.
Headmaster Coon embodied–for me–what a good and honorable man can be. Being a ‘good’ man meant having a big heart. As a teen, that knowledge was a distinct gift, one that I’ll be grateful for, forever.
My unkindness in high school landed with me years later, after I graduated. I attended my 20-year reunion, where I learned a couple of my friends had died of AIDS several years after graduation, while a couple of others had undergone gender reassignment. That was my reckoning. How they must have suffered way back when.
On the upside, I met up with friends who ‘came out’ and were living lives they loved. How awesome was that? Over the years, I have had many close friends who were gay and thriving.
One of my favorite movies of 2018 was Greg Berlanti’s Love, Simon. It stars the amazing Nick Robinson as 17-year-old Simon, a young man who decides to “comes out”. On his high school blog, Simon writes, “Announcing yourself to the world is pretty terrifying, because what if the world doesn’t like you?”
Whether gay or straight, being who you are takes a hell of a lot of courage. Learning kindness and compassion for others, though, is a journey that occurs over time. Regretfully, I’d said some cruel and hurtful things back when I was 16 years old. Being young and stupid, however, was no valid excuse. I’m sorry for my harmful words but feel I’m the better for my mistakes. Hopefully, I’ve become a ‘good’ man along the way.
“True victory is victory over oneself.” While we are not perfect, we can still become good men, good human beings, taking baby steps as we go. We need to have compassion for others because we really don’t know what is going on in their lives. It’s truly humbling, just knowing what’s going on inside of me.
I can always be greater. We all can. Just saying.
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