Bathtub Meetings Will Save Your Relationship

A breakup from nowhere

It was a cruel breakup that came from nowhere, one that never should have happened, and yet it did — and it felt irreversible.

Even if we were at an impasse, we could have parted on good terms. There could have been mutual agreement, a respectful closure with acceptance that we simply needed different things.

Instead, I found myself gazing at him across the room at an event we were both at, standing coldly against a pillar, pretending I did not exist. There would be no words between us, and my hurt toward him ran deep.

And it was so unnecessary. Here’s what I wish we had done instead.

Bonding in the bathtub

Many years ago, when an old boyfriend and I started looking for a home to move into together, one of our top criteria was that it must have a fantastic bathtub — one that would fit both of us. Months earlier, at the glorious Peninsula Hotel in Chicago, we had discovered the power of a fantastic bathtub.

We had been having some problems, and things were still tender between us at times. But one chilly night after dinner, I suggested we hop in that tub, with a couple of glasses of wine, toss in the sea salts, bubbles, and lavender pouch provided by the hotel… and just talk.

We sat at opposite ends, facing each other as if we were in some odd meeting. I think his first line was, “So. What is this meeting about?”

He was being witty, and I responded by playfully following his unintended lead. Little did we know that this game would become instrumental in our relationship.

That night, we had the calmest and most rational conversation about our relationship — the kind I didn’t even think was possible.

We talked about what was working well in our relationship. We shared what we appreciated from each other. We touched on what we wanted to be different, made our requests of each other, and acknowledged the ways the other person was making positive changes.

We talked about the delicate subjects, the wounds that were still a bit raw, and we did it in the most relaxing environment possible. It ended up being the most productive conversation we had ever had.

That first bathtub meeting was so bonding and healing for both of us that we vowed to make it a regular practice.

And when that relationship did come to an end, it did so peacefully, dissolving with the recognition that we simply needed different things.

Those meetings helped us discover that.

Why bathtub meetings work

Think about it. In a bathtub, you are in an incredibly relaxed state. Warm water, bubbles, wine, salts, and scents — this opens us up in ways that make us feel safe. When we feel safe, we feel that we can be vulnerable and authentic, especially emotionally.

Which makes this the ideal time to have real conversations. To talk about wants, needs, feelings, core wounds, insecurities, secret desires and fears, the history that is impacting your relationship today, the intentions you have for your future together, your worries and hesitancies about the path forward with your person.

This space softens both people to be open and receptive to conversation that bonds two people together, allowing them to have a deeper understanding of one another.

The Agenda of Bathtub meetings

I started thinking about those bathtub meetings again recently. I wondered whether that would have saved my last relationship that combusted without warning or hope of reconciliation.

I guarantee it would have.

These bathtub meetings are intended to ultimately talk about what is weighing on oneself. While they start positive and light-hearted by sharing what we appreciate and value in one another, at some point, it’s important to get into the heavier stuff. So here’s how I would propose doing it now:

Start with the good things.

• What is working well with us right now?
• What did I appreciate about you this week? What impressed me?
• What would I love to see more of between us?

Now, get into the real conversation.

• What isn’t sitting quite right? Even if it’s just an inkling or a sense that doesn’t quite feel good — what feels “off” to you?
• What has been weighing on your mind this week?
• What feels unresolved? What keeps coming up that we still haven’t addressed?
• Where do we feel stuck? Where are we at an impasse?
• What is the one thing we can do to make progress on the things we feel stuck or unresolved on?

Then talk about the week ahead.

• What’s on our schedule this coming week? Yours, mine, ours.
• What do you want or need from me this week?
• What’s the most important thing I can bring to the relationship this week?

Before you get out of the tub, agree on and commit to at least one thing that you will both do for your partner. Maybe it’s as simple as letting your person know when you are running late. It might be a big promise like finding a therapist for a couples counseling session, or having a difficult conversation with a family member about boundaries.

Commit. And then do it. And remember that a week later, you’ll be sitting naked across from your partner in that bathtub once again, talking about this very thing — you can either make it a great conversation or a difficult one.

Rules for bathtub meetings

A few key agreements for these meetings are in order.

If you are going to bring alcohol into this situation, make sure you start sober and agree to a limit during the bath. It’s not a party, it’s an actual meeting. Given the choice, I’d go with tea instead.

Eliminate all possible distractions. The beauty of a bathtub meeting is you have a 100% captive audience. Nothing should distract you from hearing what they say. Your focus is 100% on them and the conversation. Phones off.

Commit to the whole bath, even if the conversation gets difficult. You get in together and you get out together.

This commitment makes it less likely that either of you will jump up and walk away if the conversation gets difficult. This time is about getting 100% real with each other — no pretenses, no attitude, just getting to your raw, true self. And yes, it can be awkward and unsettling, but sometimes growing in a relationship requires us to do just that.

All growth is uncomfortable — we just learn how to ride through it.

Don’t have a bathtub?

If you don’t have a bathtub, I highly recommend finding a sacred place where you can do your meetings. Maybe it’s a private jacuzzi or a particular park bench by a quiet lake, or on a ledge on a massive rock you pass during a favorite hike.

Find your private space where you both feel totally relaxed, and make it a sacred place where you do your debrief. Maybe it’s weekly or monthly. But book it like it’s a meeting you cannot miss.

Because having a serious conversation about the state of your relationship is something you cannot afford to miss if you truly love, value, and honor your partnership.

Serious relationships require serious actions

When we are in a committed relationship, we have to take it seriously. And that means having the serious conversations, no matter how awkward or difficult they may be.

Had I done this in my last relationship, I wouldn’t be talking about that relationship in past tense. Nearly every serious conversation we had occurred during a fight.

And that’s not the right way to do it.

It may be too late for me to fix the last one. But I am fully prepared to go into my next committed relationship proposing this crazy idea of having this quirky check-in every week.

Bathtub not required, but it sure does make it fun and interesting. ❤

If you find my advice helpful and have a situation you’d like support with, let’s connect for a free introductory call to explore if we’re a good fit for a coaching session. To book a free 15-minute call, click here.

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