Most children have had this experience. A parent asks a child to do something. The child, perhaps most often a boy, asks why. The parent, more likely the Dad, replies, in a loud, angry voice “Because I said so!”
This is a pivotal moment in the child’s life. How he handles it, and how severely the parent deals with any further challenge, will go a long way towards determining what kind of person he becomes. If he is lucky, these moments won’t happen all that often, and the punishment will not be severe. Perhaps just a spanking.
This was my situation. The appropriate action for the child to take is some sort of rebellion. Perhaps not at that particular moment- given the parent’s greater size and strength, outward compliance is in order. Rebellion will occur in other ways. After all, it is the duty of all children to rebel against injustice, and few things are more unjust than attacking a helpless child.
If we are lucky, what will develop is a general distrust of authority. Perhaps a desire to fight back when one has grown to the point where a physical challenge is possible- but of course by that point, given the fact that anyone who assaults someone weaker than themselves is a coward, corporal punishment has long since been abandoned.
If the punishments are more frequent and severe, the child will learn that might makes right, and he will turn around and assault his little brother, or weaker kids on the playground. He becomes a bully.
He may also have learned that when up against his father and other authority figures, resistance is futile, and it is much safer to just comply. He stops asking questions, keeps his head down, and becomes well suited for life in the military, law enforcement, the corporate world, and anywhere else where conformity reigns. He will likely become a Republican of the more authoritarian variety. Even worse (if that is possible) he may take revenge by running away, joining a gang, leading a life of crime, or becoming a white nationalist. Always looking for someone to victimize!
For all of these victims of family violence who have not found a positive way to rebel, truth is not something arrived at by asking questions, by observation and experimentation- a life of science is not for them- truth is received from on high. From God, from a cult leader, a strongman, from right wing websites and news channels- anything that does not involve asking questions or thinking for himself, for asking “why?” is how he got into trouble in the first place. Asking questions feels very unsafe. He has likely become intolerant of answering questions himself- he has become his Dad- and so any discussion that involves active listening and give and take is completely off the table.
Meanwhile, those who grew up in families where asking questions was far less dangerous, or even encouraged, will likely grow up happy and well adjusted, as will their own children and grandchildren. They will continue to ask questions throughout their life. This will drive some people crazy, and he or she will learn to avoid such people, and the organizations they dominate, and any authority he chooses to follow will have earned his trust and respect. If he follows any at all! He or she will become well suited for becoming citizens in a democracy.
He may even avoid authority and convention altogether, and follow his own heart. He will become The Captain Of My Own Ship (the title of my book). Not the easiest way to go, but the most noble and honorable. He or she may even become a leader- one who leads by inspiration and example rather than fear or prejudice. It occurs to me as I write this that “Because I said so!” may have been a more common refrain in my era- I am 64- but men my age and older are the ones who supported the former President, and who still dominate the world in many ways. We have become the problem. If indeed the younger generations heard that refrain less often, it will be up to them to set a better example- although in this age of social media they have their own challenges to overcome. The bottom line is that anything that leads to people asking questions and thinking for themselves is a good thing, and we can all do that in our own ways, by confronting our own demons and challenging ourselves to become better men and women. Our future depends on it!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
