Becoming Someone You Don’t Want to Be

I think some people will read this headline and think I’ve suddenly become a serial killer, but no, I haven’t become a serial killer.

I’m talking about the angst that comes to a lot of people when who they become isn’t the person they want to become, whether it’s through personal circumstances or other external factors.

When I think of who I want to be and who I want other people to see me as, I want them to see someone who is really kind, generous, loyal, and devoted. I want them to see someone who isn’t afraid to take a stand for what he believes in and someone who doesn’t adhere to rigidity, dogma, and politics when making judgments about people. For me personally, I wanted to be someone who lives freely and makes a lot of sacrifices for causes he believes in.

This Christmas, however, I’ve had a chance to reflect on the person I wanted to become and the person I’m becoming. I think we will always fall short of lofty and high-in-the-clouds ideals for ourselves. This is not a fairy-tale world, and we need to make compromises to live in it.

And I think we always have control to rechart ourselves and our lives and that the people we are are never fixed in stone. But it’s easier said than done to completely change yourself, or everyone would have done it a long time ago.

Sometimes, your subconscious guides you in a direction you don’t want to go

I wanted to be kind, noble and devoted to the causes I believe in and fully adhere to the faith I believe in.

Instead, in recent memory, I’ve become super ambitious. I’ve become all about success. I have a middle management job in the school system, and I’m in law school at night. Outside of work and law school, I run marathons.

I notice I’ve become someone who just works, studies, and runs, and have become somewhat obsessed about being great and successful in all of my endeavors. I’ll chalk it up to my cultural upbringing and being Asian, to a point — Asians tend to be super intense about everything they do.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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