Behind the Smiles: Why We Need to Talk About Judgment and Empathy

Yesterday, I was listening to a song, Dealer by Ayo Maff and Fireboy. The song is about the artists thinking about their dealers and their desire to get high, even if it’s just for a moment, to escape their problems. For some reason, it made me think deeply, and I had an epiphany; So many people judge those who use substances to escape their reality.

I recall having a conversation with a friend few days ago about him taking MDMA, a synthetic psychoactive substance that alters mood, perception, and cognitive processes. It’s commonly known as ecstasy, molly or X.

He told me he takes it when he feels depressed, but it makes him sick sometimes. As he recounted the story of the last time he took it, he giggled nervously. “What’s funny?” I asked. I told him not to be coy with me. Then he said “I don’t want you to judge me.” The word judge stuck with me.

My response wasn’t the kindest, but in my mind, it came from a place of me caring for his future self. I told him, “I will not judge you, but one day, you’ll really hurt yourself.” That conversation replayed in my head yesterday, and I wondered if I could have been kinder.

Why isn’t the world kinder to people who turn to substances when life knocks them down? I started to think how most, if not all of us, have experienced true pain. Just because some of us have healthier coping mechanisms, doesn’t mean we should point fingers.

Have you ever sat down to have a deep conversation with someone who’s always under the influence? Listened beyond the surface, tried to truly understand what’s going on? You’d be surprised by their struggles and insights. You may realize that you wouldn’t have handled their problems any better, you begin to extend grace.

A lot of people are going through serious struggles. Many of the people we interact with daily are battling one form of trauma or another. People don’t wear their problems.

Last week, I had a conversation with a friend about an acquaintance who wanted to commit suicide over a relationship. That conversation led us to open up about the storms we’ve braved recently. My mouth hung open as she told me her story, and she was just as shocked by mine. She said, “And yet, we all come to school bearing bright smiles, and no one has a clue what we’re facing.”

The day before our conversation, we had been in the school lab, carefree, laughing, chatting with friends. I thought back to that day, to all the happy faces, the big smiles. No one knows half. the battles we fight. Maybe if the world was less judgmental, substance abuse wouldn’t be as rampant as it is.

We should strive to listen, not judge, to offer support, not just solutions. Sometimes all it takes is putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

The world is tough, but we can make it easier, not just for ourselves, but for those around us. Change begins with you and me. Let’s choose compassion, kindness and understanding. Together, we can create a world where we love is abundant, and no one feels alone.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***