All of my life, I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I used to always put my own emotional needs on the back burner. I would bottle up my feelings until they reached a boiling point, and then I would lash out at the unfortunate person who happened to set me off.
The Turning Point
That all changed when I had my kids. To set the record straight, it changed after I had my first and while I was trying to get pregnant with my second. As a woman with polycystic ovary syndrome in her late thirties, I became consumed with trying to get pregnant — and quite frankly, I needed help. I was so obsessed with trying to get pregnant that I lost sight of all of the goodness in front of me.
It was my doctor who saved my life. She saw that I was no longer in a healthy place and suggested antidepressants. I questioned whether they were safe while pregnant, but after extensive research, I made the decision that felt best for my family and me. I have never looked back since.
Where I Am Now. . .
Nowadays, I go to therapy regularly and still take my antidepressants. As a result, I am the kind of mom — and person — I’ve always wanted to be. I have endless amounts of patience (even when sleep-deprived), I find joy in the smallest of moments, and I no longer stuff my feelings away. If my 20-year-old self could see me now, she would be amazed at how, well, stable I have become.
I’m still working on my deep-rooted tendencies to beat myself up and fixate on things. But I am a work in progress. I am not perfect, and I have finally come to accept that.
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Previously published on Medium
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