Being Single Sucks…But It’s the Best Medicine

I know, I get it. This is the first time since I was 17 (I’m 52) that I’ve been single for more than a few weeks and I’m learning how good it is for me.

Coming out from a relationship, no matter how trivial or serious, you want to get out there again, see what you’ve been missing, get it right this time, find the one….but here are a few reasons why being single, at least for a while is the best thing for you.

Time to understand what went wrong…What happened? Why are you without a mate? Who failed who? And most importantly, what was your part in the failing of the relationship? Let’s face it, no one is completely blameless in a break up, no matter the cause….if one of you decides enough and calls time…you have to consider why? And take a good long look in the mirror. Having this time to work out these important questions will mean that you will enter into the next relationship in a better place and as a better person..more self aware of the part you play within a relationship.

Rediscover who you are…it’s so easy to get lost within a relationship….do you really enjoy walking up mountains? Like your coffee black? Love vegan? Or did you just think you did because your ex did? Or maybe you pretended at first to impress them and then forgot you were pretending? Who knows, but yes, you can lose yourself. Well now is the time to rediscover you…what do you like doing? Who do you like hanging with? What do you want to eat? What do you want to wear? Of course, these are surface things…and losing yourself can go so much deeper…was your partner controlling/abusive? Have you lost your confidence? Do you even know what you like about yourself? These issues(and others) need more time and possibly some therapeutic help to sort out…if this is you, do it, go and talk…get digging and get sorted (as best you can!) And then…next time, be honest with your new flame..from the beginning, then you won’t get so lost.

Self-love (Masturbation)…you can do it out in the open again…well not literally…at least close the curtains! But, you can again pleasure yourself, indulge in some fantasies, remember how you like to be touched..it’s not hidden away, a secret thing you turned to because your partner was tired, not in the mood or simply because you wanted to. Masturbation is not a bad thing… do not feel guilty, do not repress your feelings to touch yourself. It’s normal and should be part of a healthy sex life either with or without a partner. And by knowing what makes you feel good, what turns you on, you will be a better lover when you step back into that pond. Love yourself, you will love better….that counts physically too.

Get lonely…it is so good to feel and understand loneliness. You were not created to be alone, but to understand how good it is to be in a relationship, you really need to understand what it is like to be on your own…night after night…staring at a screen….which f…ing box set now! Endlessly checking your phone for a message…from someone..anyone? Scrolling through meaningless posts on social media…commenting, hoping to get a like. Cooking for one is no fun is it? Don’t look to fill your time with meeting up with anyone you can think of, be on your own…seriously, it will help you in the next relationship….you will relish cooking for two, even clearing up afterwards, the hair plug in the shower will mean so much more….and you will not want to be lonely again…which can only mean you will engage in this relationship in a more intentional way….good for you and your partner. As an added benefit..you will be much more understanding of those in the world who seem to stay lonely…for whatever reason. They also need loving.

Remember who your family and friends are…yes, they’ve probably missed you. If you’ve just come out of an intense relationship..focused just on the two of you, you will have lost relationship with those who will always be there…my brother has been just the most immense support for me and genuinely I’m discovering how much his love for me is…I need to remember and keep that precious love alive, whether I’m single or not. You may be an uncle, a niece, a sister….that carries a responsibility..now you can fulfil that..you have time and love to give, so give it. Your friends have missed you, hopefully! Go find them again, spend good times, remember the importance of keeping those relationships fresh and relevant. Talk to them about your life, your hopes, fears for the future and recognise that they will be part of that future, no matter whether you find another partner or not.

It is like taking medicine…it doesn’t always taste that good being single…..especially if you can see someone on the horizon (or nearer) that you could easily start something with…but honestly, are you ready? Why enter into something when you’ve still got bits of your last partner clinging to you? Doesn’t the new person, the new love deserve you as ready and open as you can be?

So, take the medicine…it will be worth it. I’m currently on bottle four of a case of nasty tasting stuff…and a couple of bottles in of what look like horse tablets…but I am clearing stuff out….from my heart, head and my life…

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Previously Published on medium

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