One of the most romantic proposals ever:
“Run away with me.”
This idea is responsible for many love songs and stories. The feeling of being so in love that you desire to leave your known world behind, reason and caution thrown to the wind, and start a new life with your lover. Oh the hopeless romance. To be fair, I am absolutely a hopeless romantic. But, I was always too “smart” to make rash decisions with a lover in my youth. However, fast forward a few years and rash decisions in my late 20s as a successful professional with my soon to be husband? That I could be okay with.
So what if there is more than idealistic romance behind the message of running away (or simply moving away) with your love? What if it’s actually one of the best ways to grow and develop a relationship? What if it’s actually a great way to build a solid marriage?
Fact, it really can be.
It’s been three years since we left our northeast life behind for the southwest desert. We said goodbye to seasons, and hello to cacti and extreme heat. As I’m reflecting on this anniversary, I am so thankful we made the move. I know it was the best decision we ever made for our relationship (also as individuals but that’s for a different discussion). Moving away — just us without the baggage, expectations, and influence of our family, friends and histories- allowed us to flourish as a couple and start our marriage out on a level playing field (both friendless, clueless, and hopeful). Leaving everything behind gave us the space, time and freedom to cultivate our own marriage identity.
It was early 2017. It was winter and we were still coming to terms with the 2016 election. We were engaged and planning a wedding but the joy of a wedding became thwarted with tension for a number of reasons. So when we got the opportunity for a potential job in Arizona we both immediately thought, why not? Friend and family relationships were strained, neither of us were happy with our jobs. We had student loan debt and moving somewhere cheaper could help with that. It was also below freezing the day we got the offer, so a place where its always (sort of) summer sounded very appealing. These were not exactly romantic reasons behind our decision to run away, but in reality that was exactly what we were doing- running away together.
So we eloped and moved. I doubted the decision many times. I was scared. Suddenly there I was 2000+ miles away from everyone and everything I’ve ever known. Just me and my new husband. Its not as though our relationship was new, we had already lived together for over 5 years- but it still felt different. We were now a married couple and we were isolated. We didn’t have double dates or family game nights to attend to. We didn’t have happy hours lined up. We didn’t even have sporting events we could go to. What would holiday’s look like? We couldn’t exactly afford to jump on a plane any time we wanted. We were now alone….but really, we were free. We were free for the first time in our relationship and this freedom was everything we needed.
We became a unit.
We only had each other to rely on. No one was coming to help us in the event of an emergency and even if they were to come, it would be a while before they got to us. This meant we couldn’t fight or blame our way out of anything or we wouldn’t succeed. We had to come together, communicate, plan, and take action.
When it came to just dealing with the daily nuances of life, again it was just us. We navigated being newly married, being new to an area, and new jobs together. We acclimated to a new climate together. We fought health issues together. And we had to conquer building new relationships together. Sure we could call our family and friends and ask for advice. But you can only spend so much time on the phone and even that dwindles over time. At the end of the day, we only physically saw each other. If I needed to be hugged after a long day, it was only my husband there to do that for me. And vice versa. This forced us to embrace being good partners in order to survive and thrive in our new normal. We got really good at being there for each other.
It gave us time and opportunity to develop our marriage.
Again, we didn’t have game nights, double dates, family functions, and happy hours, which meant we had the time and freedom to explore. We took countless road trips. We went out and danced for no reason with no shame because we did not know anyone. We hiked and roamed around nature and learned new things about ourselves and each other. We discovered new hobbies, together. We made new friends together, new friends that only knew us as husband and wife, not as our past individual selves or stories. We had our own holidays and made up our own traditions.
We simply had more time to dedicate to our relationship. We had time to learn how to communicate. We had time to go to couples therapy (which by the way is magical and essential to any relationship). We had the time to develop ourselves and our relationship without the pressure of our old identities. And best of all, we were given the chance to fall in love all over again, with our new selves and our new life.
It allowed us to release old stories and expectations about ourselves and our relationship.
One of the best feelings about starting over or moving somewhere new is the opportunity to grow and change. Imagine doing that for your relationship. Everyone and everything external that influenced your relationship, wether consciously or subconsciously, is gone. You have the gift of being who you want to be and show up how you want to show up. No one can see it or judge you for it. Those old stories you were told about being a good wife or husband or partner are literally in another world. Instead, you begin a new story and forge a new path for your relationship.
I didn’t know how to be a wife and I certainly didn’t feel like I fit in with how other people were playing the role. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be around it so I didn’t feel the stress. I formed my own wife identity. And the same for my husband. We defined our own identity, together.
We also didn’t feel the pressure to do what was expected of us, i.e. settle down, buy a house and have kids. It not that we don’t want these things, however, we both know we aren’t ready for that yet. Thankfully, by being removed from that environment, where everyone in your community is all sort of settling down simultaneously, we didn’t feel the need to do the same. Sure the pressure appears sometimes, but it’s easier to let it go when you don’t see them in real life, only via a screen for a limited period of time. So instead of buying a house we travelled. Instead of having kids, we worked on our emotional well being.
I do not believe we would be in such a healthy relationship if we had not moved away. The toxic behaviors of those around us would have hindered our growth. The time commitments of our communities would have kept us from taking the time we needed to develop our relationship. The expectations of keeping up with the societal milestones of life would have weighed us down. We would be less than we could be. I believe we would still be married and we would be happy because that is just who we are, but we would be just a fraction of the people we are today. We wouldn’t shine as brightly and our relationship wouldn’t feel as powerful and freeing as it does now. We would not have our own relationship identity. Instead, we would be two people in love struggling to reach their highest relationship potential.
I believe there is something positive and real to be said about running away with your lover. Maybe not in a purely romantic sense, but in a practical “lets grow and become better humans for our marriage” sense. If ever the opportunity comes to you, I say, run away. Run away, lover in hand, and embrace the opportunity.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: dylan nolte on Unsplash