“Oh, I never thought you were gay, because you’re manly.”
It’s a response I often get when people learn that I’m gay. It implies that being gay and being masculine are mutually exclusive, as if you can’t be a ‘true’ man if you’re gay. This misconception stems from the stereotype of gay men being feminine, which is deeply rooted in our society. So deeply rooted that it seems to blow some people’s minds when they see a masculine gay man, even though there are plenty.
But here’s the thing: being gay doesn’t have a strict set of rules about how you should look or behave. It simply means that you’re attracted to men. And being attracted to men doesn’t automatically mean you have to fit a certain mold as portrayed by mass media: your sexual orientation does not define your masculinity. You might be a straight man who embraces more feminine qualities, a gay man who embodies a more masculine persona, or anything in between.
To me, masculinity includes traits like strength, courage, independence, assertiveness, and leadership, among others. It can also include interests like soccer, cars, and fishing. Things that are traditionally associated with men, but are somehow unexpected when it’s about a gay man. Yet, almost all of the gay men I know are ordinary guys who just happen to be gay. People who, using this definition of masculinity, are highly masculine.
There is, of course, nothing wrong with being an effeminate gay guy. It’s great when someone can truly be themselves. However, mainstream media has portrayed gay men through a narrow lens, creating a distorted image of reality that is harmful to the self-esteem of many gay men. It’s almost like you’re being mocked.
That’s why I roll my eyes every time I see a movie or series with a very stereotypical gay guy: flamboyant, fashion-obsessed, with a high-pitched voice and a penchant for drama. Another big offender is the gay best friend cliche. It’s precisely this caricature that has been created and pushed for decades that’s on people’s minds when they hear the word ‘gay’.
Luckily, times change. In recent years, there’s been a shift away from these one-dimensional portrayals, paving the way for more nuanced and realistic representations in media. A good example is Heartstopper, with different types of gay characters, some of them more masculine and others more feminine. I hope this is only the beginning, as the aforementioned caricature is still deeply ingrained in the minds of many people.
Truly, this shift in media representation is so important for breaking down those tired stereotypes and promoting true acceptance. When we all see diverse portrayals of gay men, it challenges the idea that there’s only one way to be gay. It empowers people to embrace their own unique identities without feeling pressured to conform to narrow standards pushed by mass media.
So, the next time someone expresses surprise that a gay man can be masculine, remember that masculinity and being gay are perfectly compatible. It’s not about who you’re attracted to; it’s about embracing your authentic self and living with pride and confidence.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
