How can I trust someone who doesn’t trust me?
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A lot of you may have seen a post here at the Good Men Project recently called 31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat. I wasn’t an editor here when that post originally ran, so I thought I’d take a minute to share why I don’t cheat.
In a word: Trust.
I don’t cheat because, for me, love and all its facets are based on trust. Being loved, in a romantic sense, means opening oneself to someone and being accepted in every respect. That kind of openness requires an incredible amount of trust.
Think of all the things we keep hidden from the world on any given day. Think of the thoughts and fears and insecurities we don’t broadcast. On behalf of the world, I’d like to say, “Thanks! Good call!” I guarantee that even if I don’t mind listening to strangers whisper their secrets and insecurities to me while waiting at the bus stop, someone else does. That’s not because I don’t have insecurities and character flaws myself—we all do. Maybe we’ve always been self-conscious about the size of our feet or our peculiar sexual peccadilloes. Perhaps we just have poor math skills or still resent our older brother. Regardless of what our foibles and flaws are, we need boundaries because otherwise we’d never be able to tolerate one another.
Despite the fact that boundaries are important, we also need a safe place to relax those boundaries. Otherwise we’re living in isolation. That’s where having a relationship based on trust comes in. A trusting relationship gives us a place to drop our boundaries with someone—a small, safe place to be our genuine selves in a world that keeps rigid rules about decorum.
Needing someone you can trust is all well and good, but creating trust is a two way street. How can I trust someone who doesn’t trust me? How can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t allow myself to trust them?
Those questions were rhetorical. I can’t.
That’s why it’s so important for me to be honest and forthright with my wife. Otherwise, I’m showing her that I’m not safe to be open with. And if she doesn’t feel safe being open with me, then I can’t feel safe being honest and forthright with her. It’s a system that’s based on reciprocity.
“Cheating” means actions that undermine our ability to trust and love someone. Sexual cheating is only one piece of what it’s really about. I’m not going to go out and have an affair for the same reason that I’m not going to talk to others about my wife’s foibles and fears or mock her for her mistakes or dismiss her thoughts and ideas or do anything else that would indicate that she’s not a whole person who deserves to have a partner she can trust. She knows that and she’s not going to do those things to me either. How do I know? Because we’ve spent 15 years learning what it means to trust one another. Inasmuch as all of those actions damage our ability to trust one another, they’re all cheating.
So, why don’t I cheat? I don’t cheat because I love my wife. I love the person she really is, and I want to be her safe place—the person she can trust enough to really be herself around. If I violate that trust, then I lose the real her.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
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Image: iStockphoto
Hmmm. I encouraged my father to cheat, as awful as this might appear. He was married to my mother, she was not loving him or us (their children) and my father needed more than a wife who was a no-good, cold and ungrateful shrew. I will go further, my mother was told to leave the home, that Poppa would find us a new mommy, and he did. He would never have broken his vows if our mother had shown him anything resembling love, kindness and appreciation. Right or wrong, depending upon how one views it, I would today advocate for… Read more »
Thank you.
Guys, I loathe these articles for one reason only. I am a wife who was cheated on and my husband loves me. The two are not interchangeable. I don’t cheat because I love my wife is hugely insulting to us on the other side of this coin. Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with your wife, your marriage, your trust, your safe place and everything to do with your own self-esteem. Nothing else – that is it. Please be more sensitive to those of us in the trenches trying to face this terrible betrayal AND remember that we are still… Read more »
That’s a fine reason. Also, “not being an asshole” would work.
For me, the best reasons remains “it’s so terribly complicated”, what with all the lies, finding secret ways to meet, and keeping track of where you said you were when you were somewhere else. I get tired just thinking about it. If fancy someome in addition to my wife, and would like to act on it, it’s just so much simple to tell her. Oh, and that ends up preserving trust, too.
If you’ve got an open relationship, that will work. But if you don’t, how would one/you react: “oh, you see dear, I just met that hot guy at work and now I am fancying him. Can I just go and bang him? I so want to act on it!” Does that resolve things?
Also, not everyone who cheats have affairs. Many cheat once and then never see the person again.
There are so many reasons to have good relationships, why are so many people having bad (unsatisfying) ones?
There are so many valid reasons not to cheat. For me, perhaps the biggest one is imagining me calling my boys together to tell them their mom and I are splitting up, all the while knowing my lack of fidelity was the reason why. Can’t fathom a more awful moment …
Thank you for this. It gives me hope as I found out last night that my man was cheating…I am crushed..people don’t realize what this does to someones heart.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find someone worthy of your trust.
My other comment was deleted – please remember this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your man. Remember that and be strong. I have been there and it gets easier but it will never be okay that he cheated.
as I explained to a friend once, I don’t cheat not because I love the other so much, but because I love myself. she understood, and took it to heart.
I’d hope it would be because of both reasons no? I’m a firm believer that we can only respect, love and honor others when we respect, love and honor ourselves. But if the only reason you don’t cheat is because of self love..I don’t know..something seems just slightly off about that. Maybe I am being too picky or romantic.
Hi Ben
This is lovely :
“”I want to be her safe place”
Happy New Year to you Ben,you have good values.
I second that Iben.
Ben, your last paragraphy was simply beautiful.
Excellent, Ben. I enjoyed that. Months ago my article about a man’s responsibility to create emotional safety and trust got a lot of interesting comments. https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/a-husbands-job-is-to-create-emotional-safety/ It’s a two way street, absolutely. In a LTR with peripheral tensions and stress, I believe men should make the first move. About this comment, “Cheating” means actions that undermine our ability to trust and love someone. I know what you mean, but have seen some behavior that challenges your definition. I spoke recently with a young lady who insisted that her fiance’s core personality included laughing, talking, flirting, and socializing with a lot… Read more »
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Steve. I’m really not in a position to say which person in the couple you described should’ve taken primary responsibility for the troubles they were having. For the sake of argument, it could certainly be the case that her fear that her ability to trust was being undermined by his actions was just as much a part of her core personality as his laughing, talking, flirting, and socializing. But it sounds like the young woman decided that she wanted to change her own interpretation of his actions and I wouldn’t second guess her. In a… Read more »