A Conversation With ManTalks Founder Connor Beaton.
STAND: Philosopher Hannah Arendt says that “who” we are can only be displayed through action. Most people only speak of “what” they are—lawyer, father, sports fan, etc. On that basis, what is Connor Beaton?
Wow, that is a well-formed question. If I had to answer that from the perspective of what I am, I am first and foremost a connector, leader, and purpose activator. I LOVE connecting people to one another, to their life’s purpose, and connecting them with the strength and clarity to live their life in accordance with those gifts so they can be fulfilled.
As for the leader aspect, that’s a title others have given because of my propensity to have vision for something and then rally the troops behind making that vision a reality. I’m also a huge fan of hiking, yoga, meditation, and hockey. I was born outside of Edmonton, Alberta, so I’m still a die-hard Edmonton Oilers fan….. Still waiting to relive the glory days of the late 80s.
STAND: Now for the harder question: Who is Connor Beaton? Can you tell us about a time where your action best showed “who” you are in a positive sense? How about the shadow side? Can you share a time where your actions showed who you are in a negative sense?
I’ve learned that life is so much more than my accomplishments or skills, and that I can find deep fulfillment in giving others the space to succeed, share their gifts, and positively impact others.
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I think I’ll start with the shadow side (or the dark side for all the Star Wars fans out there) as this is the aspect that a lot of men avoid and the side of myself that I battled with for most of my 20’s. I am what some people would refer to as an “achiever”. I have big ambition, vision and in my youth, had an ego that dwarfed all of that. I would often put my goals and ambition before my relationships, family, friends and self. This led to some pretty bad decisions.
An example of this was about six years ago. I had left my career, quit my job, lost my partner (due to some bad choices around infidelity) and found myself sleeping in the backseat of my car for longer than I care to admit, simply because I was too proud to go tell my close friends or family the truth about what had been going on in my life behind the scenes. The amazing part about coming clean with my friends and family is that all of my relationships became richer and fuller. I thought that if people knew that I was struggling or “failing” that they wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. To my surprise, when I showed the cracks in my armor, they were the ones who helped me patch it up.
As for who I am from a positive sense, I like to think I am now a man of integrity, intuition, and compassion. Because I lived out of integrity for so long, I really honed my intuitive skills of knowing when something isn’t right. I’ve learned that life is so much more than my accomplishments or skills, and that I can find deep fulfillment in giving others the space to succeed, share their gifts, and positively impact others.
I also try to be present to all of the small victories and moments that life has to offer. I will often (randomly) buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line at the coffee shop. At ManTalks I often find people who have amazing stories but don’t believe in themselves enough to share them with the world, and then work with them to build the courage to share their message or journey.
I am a man who gives his life to creating a space where men can learn, grow, and connect with one another in a powerful way so they have the tools and determination to not only succeed in achieving their dreams, but to succeed in thriving.
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A few months ago I was walking down the street near my home and a woman, mid 50’s, was walking the other way pulling a massive cart full of newspapers for delivery. She was clearly struggling and seemed out of her element. As I got closer to her I got this sense that she looked sad and needed help. So I stopped her, asked if I could help her pull the cart to her next destination and help unload some of the newspapers. She thanked me profusely and said it would only take five minutes. As we walked, I asked why she was pulling this massive cart, delivering newspapers. She said it was her son’s route and that he had committed suicide only five weeks before. She said that she was trying to carry on some of the things he used to do on a day to day basis to feel close to him again and honor his memory. As she spoke, she broke down and started to cry. I simply stood there, let her feel what she as going through, asked her if she needed a hug and then held her for a minute while she broke down. Then we finished the route, she thanked me for listening to her and for helping her find a sense of closure with her son’s death. She had been “holding it together” for the rest of her family and hadn’t really let herself experience what had happened. She thanked me for being kind and for having the insight to offer help.
As we walked our separate ways I reflected on how simple it was to really touch someone’s life, to really have a profound impact on their experience. It is in these small, connected and empathetic moments that I feel fulfilled. Who I am, and who I try to be on a daily basis, is someone who sees people for who they truly are, in any given circumstance. Someone who listens, appreciates, and has the strength to believe in others when they can’t believe in themselves.
I am a man who gives his life to creating a space where men can learn, grow, and connect with one another in a powerful way so they have the tools and determination to not only succeed in achieving their dreams, but to succeed in thriving.
STAND: Tell us about your personal journey. Where did you start? What steps did you take? What (or who) broke your heart along the way? How did you end up as the founder of ManTalks?
I grew up in Alberta, Canada, in a small(ish) town of St. Albert, outside of Edmonton. I played hockey and pretty much any type of sports my parents could put me in. I grew up in a unique family dynamic — like roughly 50% of 80s kids in a divorced home. My parents split when I was three, then went on to re-marry different partners within two years. Then, both my mother and father would have a daughter and a son with their new significant other, all within the span of twelve months from one another. It was as though they were both in a race to rebuild their own respective lives and families with me in the middle. I always felt like the black sheep in both of the family dynamics. I was the odd man out and would play that role for a long time.
I found myself in the cold, barren gravel pits of northern Alberta in the middle of February wondering if this was all I was meant to accomplish with my life.
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I had a ton of energy and was diagnosed with ADD when I was young, about third grade. I was a really creative and active kid with a lot of energy who wanted to create, build, dream, and wanted little to do with school. I was often told that I was destined to be a C student, mostly due to the fact that I couldn’t focus. I remember when my parents first took me to see a child therapist in third grade. I spent all of 60 minutes with this person who was to determine my fate. After a few questions, observing my behavior and running me through some basic tests he brought my parents back into the room and said, “It’s as I expected. He is a highly creative child, seeks attention and as such cannot focus on basic tasks like math problems. He definitely shows signs of Attention Deficit Disorder and I strongly recommend that he should be on Ritalin. He will most likely never be able to focus on meaningful tasks properly, but the medication should help.”
There it was, my first real label. Highly creative, unable to focus and destined for failure because of a 60-minute examination. This would shape the way my parents treated me, my teachers in school, and the way I acted as a kid.
After high school, having barely graduated (in fact I had to go back and repeat twelfth grade English because I got suspended from the class too many times,) I was lost, unsure as to what I should do with my life and did what most guys do in that situation: drank, partied, and did construction.
I found myself in the cold, barren gravel pits of northern Alberta in the middle of February wondering if this was all I was meant to accomplish with my life. My high school sweetheart had left me. She was the typical cool girl in school that everyone thought was hot and for some reason wanted to be with me (which I didn’t get at the time).
I was doing something I was passionate about but was still lying to myself, the people around me, and was struggling with infidelity in my relationship.
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I had just started dating a woman who was thirteen years older than me and had a nine-year-old kid (the kid was closer to my age than she was) and felt like it was time for me to “settle”. We moved into a place together, had a mortgage, a dog, and watched football on Sundays. Seemed like I had the grown up thing all figured out.
Except for one thing: I was miserable. I was addicted to porn, drank myself to near death every weekend, and was probably one of the worst stepfathers a child could ask for.
I started to ask myself what I wanted to do with my life. My dad and I had a conversation one night about my career and I admitted that I was unhappy. My company had just offered to pay my tuition to do geotechnical engineering (rocks and dirt) and I couldn’t imagine doing it for the rest of my life. My dad asked if I had any creative outlets. I said no. He said I should go take a singing lesson or paint. Something to balance the scales. He recommended his singing teacher as he had been taking lessons for a few years and had recently started singing with the Edmonton Opera. I didn’t see a good reason not to. At that point, I was ready to try anything.
So I had a lesson. Realized I loved it. Decided to pursue it and slowly shifted my life from addiction and self-annihilation to creativity and art. I started singing a few times a month, quit smoking, and auditioned for University. I got into one of the most reputable music schools in Canada and decided to move out to Vancouver, running away from the life I had built there.
That old saying of, “wherever you go, there you are,” began to really ring true. I was doing something I was passionate about but was still lying to myself, the people around me, and was struggling with infidelity in my relationship.
I was given the chance to sing all over Europe, in China, New York, and in Canada.
ManTalks exists to find exceptional men who are making a difference in the world and give them the space to share their wisdom and knowledge. We exist to build better men.
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All the while I had built up this great persona. On paper, it looked like I had it all. Beautiful girlfriend, motorcycle, great career, and good friends. The problem was I had built it all on a foundation of lies and deceit. I would lie to my partner, lie to people about my level of success, and make it look like I had my life all together. I was a classic narcissist.
And then it all fell apart. My lies caught up to me. I was too proud and had too big of an ego to admit what had been going on. Soon I found myself alone, jobless, debating whether I should leave my career, and unsure what to do next.
I ended up taking the next year off. I had saved money and decided to live as cheaply as possible, read every book on psychology, self-help, neuroscience, positive psychology, quantum mechanics ….. you name it, I dove into it. I wanted to discover why I had lied so much, what had caused me to push so many people away and to hurt so many of them.
After that year I set some goals for myself. I wanted to work with Apple because I loved their culture and what they had done as a brand, and I wanted to build something that gave back to people, something that helped men and gave them the resources to connect and perform at their best in every area of their lives.
One month later I started at Apple and quickly moved into a sales and operations manager role.
Shortly after that, I started building ManTalks.
STAND: What is ManTalks?
ManTalks is a resource for men who are looking to get the best out of themselves and their lives. It is a place where they can connect with other men who are making a difference in the world and, a space for them to learn from experts in sex and relationships, business and entrepreneurship, masculinity, fatherhood, and more. It’s an event, a website, and a podcast.
But at the core, ManTalks is a tribe — a brotherhood.
STAND: Why does ManTalks exist?
ManTalks exists to find exceptional men who are making a difference in the world and give them the space to share their wisdom and knowledge. We exist to build better men. This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with men today. It is a simple fact that men want a place where they can grow, learn from mentors, and connect with guys from around the world who have “been there, built that”. We have always been tribal by nature and men especially have learned the most efficiently and effectively from the men in their lives who have had similar experiences and can add valuable insight into overcoming or moving through whatever challenge they are facing.
I believe that men have an inherent desire to grow, be better, get stronger (emotionally and physically) and want to show up and be the best. We exist to help them do that. Think of us as the network that can connect you to the guys who are rocking it in life. We connect you with the men who you look up to, respect, and want to learn from.
STAND: How did ManTalks get its start?
ManTalks got started when I decided I wanted to build something for men who were looking to develop and grow in some area of their life. At first, I had the idea to create an online resource for guys, something like a really informative GQ, except real life stories from men around the world on topics like fatherhood, entrepreneurship, being a husband, finding their purpose and meaning in life, and so on.
Within the following week of the event, I knew that we had tapped into something much needed when I received countless emails, Facebook messages, text messages, and calls from people all telling me what a profound impact the event had on their life.
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Trying to build that resource I realized that I knew nothing about websites or building an online community. In what would be a life-changing conversation with my partner Kelsey, I expressed my frustration with feeling stuck trying to create this resource.
She looked at me puzzled and simply said, “Why are you trying to build an online resource when you could be building an in-person resource and create a live event that will inspire and change the lives of thousands?” This is what I refer to as the “jar of pickles in the fridge” moment. It’s when you are searching for an answer and when you find it—it seems as though it was so obvious and staring you right in the face.
So I started building the first events. I found four incredible guys here in Vancouver who were having a big impact on their community by running socially conscious and sustainable businesses. Each of them had a very unique story to tell and agreed to take part in the conversation. The first event was held at a financial office in downtown Vancouver with 50 people. Entry was by donation, and we raised some money for a local charity. Within the following week of the event, I knew that we had tapped into something much needed when I received countless emails, Facebook messages, text messages, and calls from people all telling me what a profound impact the event had on their life.
STAND: If you could look into a crystal ball, what do you see for ManTalks in the coming years?
One word: Growth.
We are putting on some epic events around North America and are growing in a big way. We want to find world class men and give them the space to share their success secrets and maybe a few other secrets that they’ve never shared before.
We will be launching mastermind groups in various cities and will also be launching an online platform that allows men to connect and learn from the types of men they have always admired. We have pro athletes, entrepreneurs, and many more amazing men. Ideally, I would like to see a ManTalks in all major cities around North America in five years and the mastermind groups to support the men in those cities.
I’ll know we have made it when Elon Musk comes on stage to do an interview with me.
STAND: What about you personally? What do you see yourself doing in the next five years?
The next five years will be about growing ManTalks internationally and developing our events and masterminds all over the world. We have already been asked by people as far away as Australia and Dubai to bring ManTalks to their country and city.
For me personally, I am starting to do a lot more public speaking. Not just about men, but authentic leadership, finding purpose in our lives, and how we can find fulfillment through contribution. I’ve started doing more speaking for large companies and universities about these topics and am writing a book which will bring them together to help people find their true sense of purpose in life.
STAND: You worked a full-time corporate job for the first couple of years while growing ManTalks. You quit your job to become a full-time entrepreneur in December of last year. How did you know it was the right time?
This is such a great question. This is the question that I get asked all the time. So many people have an idea or a project that they think should be their full-time job. However, most people don’t fully understand what it takes to plan for and actually pursue their dreams.
The biggest challenge that men face currently is their own machismo bullshit. Feminism isn’t a threat to masculinity. Machismo is.
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Our society has created this false sense of accomplishment where people think they should be able to quit their job and live their dreams the very next day. It is such a huge trap and I see so many people fall into it. Not to say that some people aren’t successful when they leap, but they have a much better chance of success if they have already built the net to jump into.
I created a one year plan at the end of 2014 with one goal: be ready to leave my corporate job by the end of 2015. Everything that I did went towards that one goal. My mission was to have enough saved financially so I didn’t have to work for at least one year. This way, if my business didn’t generate a single dollar for the whole year I wouldn’t be stressed out. I’ve seen far too many entrepreneurs leave their full-time job to pursue a business or company of their own with only one to three month’s worth of savings. This leaves far too much room for them to be stressed out and make decisions from the scarcity mentality. I wanted to feel confident in all the decisions that I made and never wanted to feel like I had to make a decision for my business strictly from a monetary standpoint. By the end of summer 2015, I had saved almost enough money to live for twelve months (on a strict budget) and intuitively knew that it was time to give my notice at my corporate job.
STAND: Through ManTalks you’ve been privy to many different conversations about men’s issues and masculinity. What would you say are the biggest challenges facing men in today’s complex world?
The biggest challenge that men face currently is their own machismo bullshit. Feminism isn’t a threat to masculinity. Machismo is. The post-WWII idealism that men should succeed at any cost (like their life depends on it), that men need to be “hard” and emotionless in a world that is begging for them to be emotionally resilient instead of suppressing their emotions. This is the biggest challenge we face. We need to experience our fears, our sadness, our anger, be able to understand it, work through it, process it, and make the big decisions that face us despite facing the adversity.
The biggest opportunity that I see for men today is to work as a pack or a tribe. The lone wolf is never stronger than the wolf pack, so why do we idolize the lone wolf? Lead the pack, be part of a brotherhood, this is how most men thrive.
Originally Published on STAND
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Photo:GettyImages
Bravo! Thank you Connor Baeton and GMP. Congratulations on ManTalks and I wish you the very best!
“ManTalks is a resource for men who are looking to get the best out of themselves and their lives. It is a place where they can connect with other men who are making a difference in the world and, a space for them to learn from experts in sex and relationships, business and entrepreneurship, masculinity, fatherhood, and more. It’s an event, a website, and a podcast. But at the core, ManTalks is a tribe — a brotherhood.” Rebuilding the community of men? Wow, what a concept. I’m wondering where I’ve heard that before. I know that I’ve heard it before.… Read more »