“Crushing,” my client Tommy, a CTO at a software company, said.
And then the dagger came.
“I can’t be OK when she’s not OK.”
Do you struggle with being OK when your partner’s not OK?
The dagger was in his words, the depth at which he was enmeshed and codependent with his partner.
His was an extreme case, but not all that uncommon, having coached men for 15 years.
What do you think happens to your partner if she experiences you not being OK when she’s upset?
She experiences you as untrustworthy and not solid or reliable.
She experiences the behaviors listed below from you.
Pleasing, Fixing, Rescuing, Withdrawing, Blowing up.
Are any of these behaviors yours?
I know these behaviors firsthand. I was an expert at all of them for many years during my marriage. In fact, I wrote a book, the title of which speaks to the downside of one such behavior – Fixing You Is Killing Me.
All these behaviors seem to imply care and love towards your partner, but really, they are just backhanded ways of trying to make one’s self OK, as my client soon realized.
So is it ok for you to be OK when your partner’s not?
Many men think not. They mistake not taking responsibility for their wife’s well-being as insensitive or uncaring. But it’s not.
Not being ok when your partner is upset is merely your own low self-esteem.
No judgment there. Like I said, I’ve been there.
The solution is to let her have her upset and not go down the rabbit hole with her.
And then, you can be a fulcrum of strength and compassion for her.
Don’t make your wife your project.
Don’t hinge your self-esteem on her well-being.
It’s often something you learned as a kid growing up.
You’re much more trustworthy when you maintain your well-being while she’s struggling with hers.
This is the strength she needs from you.
How do you stay strong when your partner’s upset with you?
Are you wanting to transform your marriage or do the same old dance that has you where you are today?
Check out the video below to discover more.
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Previously Published on stuartmotola.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
