Bullying and Abusive Families

[In this series, I want to paint a picture of ten different types of family systems, what it means to grow up in one of those family systems, and what you can do to deal with the consequences of having grown up in one of these families. Today we look at sad and anxious families. By the way, if you want to learn more about training to become a relationship coach, let me know at [email protected] and I’ll explain!]

Some families are characterized by their bullying, aggressive or abusive nature. A percentage of this bullying, aggressiveness and abuse rises to the level of criminality; all of it is cruel and harmful.

Worse still, these cruelties are infectious: a father bullies his oldest son; that son, who ought to know better, given how terrible being bullied has felt, turns around and bullies his younger brother. We seem to learn to harm others from being harmed ourselves, rather than learning not to harm. What an unfortunate feature of human nature!

Frequently an older sibling bullies a younger sibling. Maya, a client of mine and now in her forties, still felt bullied in every interaction with her older brothers, who made all family financial decisions and ruled with an iron hand. Although they never struck her in adulthood (they had indeed struck her when she was a child), she always felt physically threatened in their presence and believed that each of them would gladly strike her if she ever stood up to them.

The bullying and aggression can take any of the following forms. A mate may bully or physically intimidate his or her spouse. A parent may act aggressively and abusively toward a child. A grandparent may physically abuse and bully a grandchild. A teenager may act out violently toward his parents. This last dynamic may sound surprising, but it’s really rather common. Sometimes it’s the teenage children in the family who are the bullies, abusers or aggressors.

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Consider a coaching client of mine by the name of Joan. Over the past year something profoundly dark had begun to happen in Joan’s life. Her husband, a successful doctor, had always bullied her from the time they first met. His personality horrified her, he hated and derided his patients, and she blanched whenever he insulted her, her family, or their friends. Still, she had learned to live with his cruelty.

What was new was how her twin sons, now eleven years old, were turning into replicas of their father. They were becoming little monsters—a team of monsters and a gang of two. They mocked her; they refused to listen to her; they repeated their father’s insults; and they teamed up with their father, making a gang of three.

Joan begged them to stop: they laughed at her. When she tried to explain what was going on to her parents, they refused to listen. Her husband found her concerns ridiculous and sided with the boys. It felt too difficult and too shameful to share her feelings and her concerns with other members of the extended family, even though she had a good relationship with her two sisters. She had no clue what to do.

She explained all of this to me. I described some possible strategies and two ideas came to her. First, she had the sense that if she could be more present in the moment, more of a presence, so-to-speak, the boys would be less likely to bully her. Second, she wondered if she could express herself more clearly, with less hesitation and fewer apologies.

I asked her to translate these two ideas into concrete actions. She came up with two actions, that when the boys bullied her first she would say nothing and by saying nothing, staying put, and staring them down, make her presence felt; and that, once they felt her presence, she would say to them, “Never say that to me again.”

We agreed that she would also need all her strength and all her courage in order to pull this off. She committed to trying out her “experiment in presence” and to reporting the results in an email. Three days later I received an email from her. Joan wrote, “I did it. The boys were mocking me about how I made their sandwiches at lunch. I stopped making their sandwiches, stood there, and stared at them. At first, they just laughed and went on mocking me.

“Then their laughter got a little more nervous and finally Adam said, ‘What’s going on, mom?’ Then I said, very slowly and I think very powerfully, ‘Never say that to me again.’ They just stared at me. But I think something shifted. They’ve been quieter … and less mean … I don’t know, I think that something good may have happened.”

A number one tip for anyone dealing with a family dynamic that includes bullying, aggression or abuse is to make an ally. Make an ally in your own family, if you can. Is there someone in your extended family who “gets” that you are being bullied and who sees that as not okay?

That someone might be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or a cousin—technology being what it is, it’s easy to stay in touch with your ally even if he or she lives halfway around the world. This person might become a confidante, someone you can talk to so that your feelings don’t get bottled up and so that your experiences don’t go unreported.

An ally is more than a just a confidante. It is someone with whom you strategically plan and who may be in a position to actually intervene or help in some other way. Make a list of everyone in the family, no matter how old or young or how geographically close or distant, and star your ally candidates. Then reach out to one of your starred candidates and say, “I need to tell you something. May I?” If that relationship doesn’t pan out—if that family member doesn’t seem interested enough or sympathetic enough—try the next starred person on your list. Give making at least one ally a try!

Some Food for Thought.