At some point in most couples’ arguments one person is likely to complain to the other “You’re not listening to me!” It is most often the woman in heterosexual couples who has this complaint, and the man is often genuinely puzzled by her grievance. He will often summarize what she’s just said as proof that he has, in fact, been listening, and is then even more confused when she continues to insist that he is still not listening. Clearly, they have differing understandings of the word “listen.” He understands listening rather literally, meaning that he is listening to the words she is saying. She is using the word listening, but what she really wants is to feel understood. Knowing about three kinds of listening can help both men and women learn how to listen in a way that helps their partners feel more fully understood.
Talking to yourself is not nearly as satisfying as talking to someone else, particularly if that person makes it clear that she gets you, she understands. Listening is one of the most powerful yet under-appreciated ways to feel closer with someone.
On the surface, listening seems so simple, something everyone knows how to do, and that we all do every day without thinking. At the same time, we are aware of subtleties in listening, because we think of some people as “good listeners” or “easy to talk to.”
I want to talk about tree types of listening; listening to content, listening between the lines, and listening relationally, which means simultaneously paying attention to your own thoughts and feelings as you listen.
Listening to the Content
This is the most basic kind of listening, the type of listening we do most of the time, the type of listening that people are referring to when they protest “But I am listening to you!” While this kind of listening may seem relatively straightforward, even listening on this simplest level requires some skill and focus on the listener’s part.
It is actually quite challenging to listen to another person talk about her experience without automatically translating it into our own frame of reference. In an all too common example, a woman starts talking to her husband/partner about something that is bothering her. Listening from his own frame of reference, the man hears his wife/partner bringing him a problem that she wants his help solving, so he starts offering suggestions. From the wife/partner’s frame of reference, she is talking about something that is troubling her and just wants her husband/partner to hear her. Every time he offers a solution, she feels not heard. The husband/partner is incredulous when his wife/partner tells him he is not listening, because not only is he listening carefully to his wife/partner, he is trying everything he can think of to be helpful.
One concrete suggestion I offer to couples about listening is when your partner wants to talk to you about something, start the conversation by asking him or her how you can be helpful. Would you like me to help you problem-solve this situation, or is this a case where you mostly want to feel understood and supported by me? This may feel awkward for a while, but you will be surprised at how many times it will prevent arguments.
Listening Between the Lines
Imagine how frustrating it would be to talk with someone who simply parroted back everything you said. Research suggests that only about twenty percent of what we understand from others comes from what they say, so when we just listen to the content we are missing about eighty percent of what someone is trying to tell us. Feeling truly heard only happens when we also work to listen between the lines, which involves hearing the emotions underlying the content.
For example, imagine a friend talking to you about a new job she’s applying for. She is talking about feeling insecure about whether she can get the job, and being too scared to let herself get excited and risk disappointment. You hear the content of what your friend is saying, but also notice a sense of excitement about her; her eyes are wide open, she is speaking rapidly, leaning forward, and despite how hard she is trying to convince herself otherwise, she does sound excited. You might say to your friend, “You know it’s funny, you are talking about being scared and unsure of yourself, but I keep getting the sense that you are excited too.” You’ill probably find your friend will feel truly heard in a much deeper way that encourages her to explore the feelings of excitement that she has been reluctant to let herself feel. It is also likely that listening in this way will help the two of you feel much closer to each other.
Listening Relationally
The third type of listening involves paying attention to your own experience while also listening to someone else. Most people believe that being a good listener means that they have to ignore their own thoughts and feelings in order to really focus on what the other person is saying. The problem is that’s not really possible. The best we can do is to pretend, and that can be very confusing to the person speaking.
Let us go back to the example of a friend talking to you about a job she has applied for. This time imagine that you have been unemployed for six months. As you listen to your friend, your own experience keeps pushing into your awareness. You are scared you will not find a job, you are worried about losing your home, and the financial stress is affecting your marriage and your relationship with your kids. You’re jealous of your friend and angry with her for talking about her good news without considering how it will affect you.
If you don’t say anything to your friend about your experience as a listener, your friend will still sense that something is going on with you, and in the absence of any information from you, she will draw her own conclusions with the information available. She may conclude that you don’t care about her, or that you think this is the wrong job for her, or she is not being a good friend to you. If, however, you share something of what is going on with you, the two of you may be able to talk through what is going on between you in a way that frees you up to be a better listener and a better friend. Learning how to listen relationally is the most effective way to help those you care about feel truly heard and understood, and the most powerful way to deepen your connection with others.
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