A couple of months had passed after my breakup when I had my first ever therapy session. “What are you hoping to get out of these sessions?” My counsellor asked. I was hoping to get over my Ex.I wanted to learn methods of coping with the incredible grief that I felt, the depression. “I knew he wasn’t right for me”, I told her, “I wasn’t happy during the last few months of our relationship, so why am I so devastated now? Why does my mind keep going back to the start of our relationship, when I thought I had met the love of my life? Why does nothing make me happy anymore? Why does it hurt so much?”
And so I told her my story. Everything. It was the first time I had ever spoken to someone about our entire relationship. I told her about him, how we met and what a wonderful person he was. I told her how similar we were and how incredibly happy I had been when I was with him and all the plans we had made for the future. I told her about my anxieties and abandonment issues that had become the subject of our fights. And I told her about his ex-wife who he had eventually chosen to “take back”.
By that point, my quiet sobbing had turned into uncontrollable whales. “I don’t understand it”, I concluded, “If he really thought I was his soulmate, why didn’t he give us a chance? How can he just move on from one day to the next? And why couldn’t I just be happy for him and move on myself?”
“I don’t know him”, my therapist replied, “but he sounds like a Narcissist and a Sociopath to me”. I was confused and surprised. Those words didn’t mean anything to me. I had sought therapy to work on myself. I had always been an optimistic and positive person with lots of enthusiasm and energy for life. I just wanted to learn to become my old self again. I thought it would be a straightforward exercise.
But my therapist threw a spanner in the works. Narcissist. Just like that. When our call ended, I had no idea that this single word had just opened a door to a completely new journey I was about to take. It was the key to a world I never knew existed. Eventually, this journey would lead me to become a writer, campaigning and raising awareness of narcissistic abuse.
But was he really a Narcissist?
My ex has never been assessed by a professional and I am confident he would never see a professional. After all, it was always the people around him that seemed to need therapy. His ex-wife behaviour had caused the breakdown of his marriage and my insecurities and anger issues were the reason we didn’t work out. I was the one seeking therapy just like his ex-wife had been the one to invest in counselling. This is one key characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People suffering from it have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and expect to be recognized as superior. In other words: They believe they are perfect. Why would they seek professional help if there is nothing wrong with them?
In the USA, 0.5% of the population have been diagnosed with NPD. However, experts estimate that 5% of the population suffers from it. I am not a Psychologist, I am just a woman who didn’t have a clue what she was going through. I was just a heartbroken individual who had no idea that abuse can look so much like love. I was confused and curious, trying to make sense of something that couldn’t be made sense of if you expect everyone you love to hold similar values and believes.
Narcissism was the key for me to understand so much that had never made sense. I read everything I could find on the subject. I spent months studying and eventually enrolled to study psychology to be able to go even deeper into this complex subject. I went over every fight and situation in my head again, analysing it with my new-found perspective. There was a lot. Even tiny little phrases he had used, which had struck me as odd at the time, suddenly made sense. If I go through the lists of key symptoms today, I can list many different examples for each. But did he really have NPD? I don’t think anyone will ever find out.
A clinical diagnosis isn’t important
I read a lot of stories from victims who were with a clinically diagnosed Narcissist and wonder if this would have made my journey any easier. Would I have spent less time worrying about my own behaviour or constantly doubting myself and what I have experienced? I can’t say for sure. But most victims will never get that cristal clear confirmation. We have to accept that we can point to 100 different situations and signs that confirm the theory but might never get an official validation.
But the key is that recognising the signs of NPD is not about judging or diagnosing someone. It is about understanding your own experience. It is about uncovering manipulation, gaslighting and psychological abuse. It is about shifting responsibilities and understanding that what happened to us was not our fault. And it is about beginning to understand a person who we once believed to know better than anyone in the world. And when you start going down that route, as I did, so much starts to make sense that couldn’t be explained before.
Diagnosing the effects
We may fail to ever get a clinical diagnosis for our partner or ex, but we can get a diagnosis for the effects it had on us. Survivors often struggle with C-PTSD, depression, anxiety and sometimes physical symptoms. My therapist had never met my Ex, she focused on me. She focused on the symptoms I was experiencing and made the connection to Narcissistic Victim Syndrom. She didn’t need to assess my Ex, because she was able to recognise the effects of his abuse in me.
Signs of Narcissism Victim Syndrome:
- Experience of dissociation as a survival mechanism
- Walking on eggshells
- Putting aside basic needs and desires, sacrificing emotional and even your physical safety to please the abuser
- Struggling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent psychological turmoil
- Sense of mistrust in family and friends
- Feeling isolated
- Fear of doing what you love and achieving success
- Suicidal ideation or self-harming tendencies
- Self-sabotage and self-destruct
- Feeling extremely alert or vigilant all the time
- Feeling insane and often questioning yourself
- Feeling insecure or ashamed of your work or creativity
- Losing sense of self-control, always doing what the narcissist wants you to
- Protecting the abuser and gaslighting yourself
- Feeling that the narcissistic person is the only person who deems them worthy
- Holding the narcissist in high esteem
- Triggers, which are physical or emotional responses to situations that are similar to traumatic situations
What really matters is recognition of what happened to you
The signs of narcissistic victim syndrome include a warped sense of reality. The victims think highly of their partner or former partner and gaslight themselves. They often blame themselves for what they have experienced and don’t recognise the manipulation they were subjected to. That may seem strange to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but it makes sense: All the tactics abusers use can really only be effective if the victim does not recognise them. Thus recognition is the key to healing and protecting ourselves.
Had my therapist said, “It sounds like he psychologically abused you”, I would have probably denied it. I would have thought she was a dramatic feminist who’s own experience with men had clouded her judgement. I would have thought that in reciting my experience, I had somehow failed to express what a wonderful person my Ex really was. She knew that. She never used the word abuse until I brought it up myself. She sensed the deep state of denial I was in at the time. So she gave me just enough to become curious. Just enough to slowly start recognising what really happened to me. She gave me a word. A little nudge to gently shift my focus from everything I was blaming myself for, to his behaviour.
Are you still wondering if your ex really was a Narcissist?
The journey to recognising narcissistic abuse is often characterised by constant doubt. Especially if a victim has been subject to gaslighting and manipulation for a long period of time. There may be days when you can write a list of 100 reasons why your Ex was a Narcissist and the next day you doubt it all. There may be days when you wonder if you got it all wrong and YOU are truly Narcissist. Let me reassure you: You are not. We all show signs of narcissistic behaviour, some more than others. Some of it is healthy. Recognition of Narcissism and recognition of unhealthy behaviours is the key. If this one keyword leads you to recognition and clarity about an abusive relationship, it doesn’t matter if your ex or current partner was clinically diagnosed or not. Your experience is all that matters. Don’t let anyone gaslight you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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