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In college, for a hot second fueled by hormones and other things that fuel 19-year-olds, I dated a single dad. Many nights, he put his daughter to bed via Skype, reading stories into the camera and melting away my lingering reservations. I found him irresistible, not in small part due to the combination of his devoted parenting and roguish, floppy-haired charm. Compared to his beer-swilling peers pulling Red Bull-soaked all-nighters, he seemed to possess an unusual maturity.
Alas, 19-year-olds are dumb, and the hot second during which he seemed like a good idea was quickly ushered out with a storm of humiliating tears. So it goes, right? The seed was planted, however, and the question remains: were the right guy to come along with a toddler or two in tow, would I give him a chance? Or is stepparenting, however temporary, something I’m just not ready for, regardless of how much Prince Charming has to offer?
I’m no stranger to the unique joys and challenges of stepparenting, though my previous experience comes from the other side of the coin. I’m from what I call a “creative family.” You might call it broken, or split, or blended, or some other adjective that describes families that are hodge-podged together from the remnants of other families, but I prefer “creative.” My brother and I spent most of our childhood and all of our adolescence shuttling between two such families a mere fifteen minutes apart. Two addresses, two bedrooms, and two stepparents.
I’m from what I call a “creative family.” You might call it broken, or split, or blended, or some other adjective that describes families that are hodge-podged together from the remnants of other families, but I prefer “creative.”
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From the vantage point between these households, we got a front row seat into the struggles and challenges of the most thankless role in the modern family: the stepparent. They suffer all of the most trying aspects of parenthood, the carpools, endless sixth-grade baseball games, temper tantrums, and bratty teenaged self-indulgence, with none of the authority of biological parenthood. Their opinions count less than the parent’s, might be respected less by the children, and are potentially resented by the ex. Talk about a rock and a couple of hard places. For a decade, I watched my stepparents navigate this murky gray area with aplomb, but I can’t say I envy them the ambiguity and uncertainty of their role.
A few weeks ago, Emily Maynard, current tabloid queen and star of The Bachelorette, booted contestant Kalon when he referred to her daughter as “baggage.” Kalon deserved the boot for an endless litany of slights, but I can’t help but sympathize with him, just a tiny bit. Someone else’s child is baggage, in the sense that the integration of a new parent into an existing family is no easy hurdle. To my mind, baggage is anything from your past that’s going to impede the success of this new coupling. It might be a lingering former fling, familial drama, mental health struggles, or alcoholism. We all have some of it, it just comes in a variety of exciting shapes and sizes.
But what about a child-sized piece of luggage? What does that entail exactly? There’s your relationship with your stepkid, of course, precariously balanced on your tenuous adult authority, but undermined by the fundamental fact that you are not their parent. There’s your relationship with your partner, and the tricky tap dance of co-parenting, offering your support without accidentally offending with your well-meaning advice. And then, don’t forget, your relationship with the ex, the other parent, if he or she is in the picture. This piece of baggage might be the most awkward and unwieldy of all, tied as it is to the break-up of the original family unit, and a fertile breeding ground for resentment. Yikes.
I’m not saying it’s untenable, or that thousands of families don’t handle these challenges with grace and understanding. They most certainly do, but even most of them would tell you that it’s no small undertaking. Is this really the kind of drama I’d willingly invite into my life at 24? At this stage, I date for the most selfish of reasons, to meet new people, to expand my social circle, to sharpen my conversational skills, and to get laid on the regular. I’m not in the market for a life partner, and consequently, I don’t pay too much attention to baggage. That’s a bridge I’ll cross when I start looking for someone who wants to explore some of my baggage.
Then again, you can’t control with whom you fall in love, or when that person walks into your life. And you can’t control what rich history they may be bringing into your relationship. In this day and age, with so many out of wedlock pregnancies and divorces, the older I get the more likely it is that potential partners will arrive with “creative families” attached. How much am I willing to limit my options?
I’m a product of creative family-making and I believe from the bottom of my heart in our collective ability to mold healthy, happy families in unconventional shapes and ways. It’s extremely likely (likelier than we all probably admit) that we will one day be part of a creative family of some kind. I don’t feel prepared for it quite yet, but since when does life offer you the exact thing you’ve prepared for the exact moment you’re ready for it? Live boldly, live openly, and grab good things when they come your way. They may not be what you thought you wanted, but how do you know until you try?
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Photo courtesy of Shutterstock
This post has been republished to Medium.
If dating single dads is so effing awesome, then why do the ALL lie in their profiles and you are lucky if you find out on the first date???? Obviously, they know how much it sucks to date them and know they are no match and cannot give nearly as much to a relationship as people without baggage. First they lie about having kids to trap women and make them attached to them, and then when the women realize how much it sucks and how much crap they need to deal with bc that guy was too obsessed with sex… Read more »
Wow! I can relate to how you feel. I’m currently dating a divorced dad who has more than part time custody of his kids even though he pays so much more in child support like a part time dad. It has been rocky throughout the relationship. No time for “us,” his ex wife (children’s mom) doesn’t like me which is fine but it makes scheduling things very difficult, he has no money left over after paying child support and expenses and it makes doing things together very hard. I am also a mom with 2 older kids from a previous… Read more »
Personally I don’t mind dating a single father for a reason all my own: I don’t want to have children. I don’t mind dating someone with a child because then I can avoid the uncomfortable argument about why this guy won’t be “the chosen one” to make me have child(ren). I’ve never wanted to be anybody’s biological mother, and I like the arrangement that no matter how cool me and this child are, it’s ultimately not my responsibility. Quite honestly the couple of times that I’ve dated a guy with kids I just felt more like the aunt. I’m sure… Read more »
I first off have to say that people’s opinions should not have direct reflection on ones decesion to date someone with children. “I’m just looking to have fun and enjoy the moment. I don’t date to find a step mom, I date to find a woman I enjoy spending time with. I’ve noticed if the connection is right, and the love is strong, the rest works out on its own.”, best quote from above. This guy couldn’t have said it any better.
Venting…..
Oh yes, single dads, have you ever dating a women with children that wanted you to put her children before your own.
FOH
“Can I date a single father?”. The better question is “do I want to date a single father?”.
The answer is no! While I enjoy children, I am not keen on having to deal with a man with children from a previous relationship. It doesn’t make me selfish to want to be with someone that comes to the table with a similar life experience. Everyone has preferences and this is one of mine.
Amen Annie, Amen. I’ve heard many men say that they would never date a single mother. No big deal, but it’s a preference of mine not to date men who have children.
Funny I googled dating a single mother vs. dating a single dad to see the different views that men vs women have. It’s ok for a woman to readily admit that she doesn’t want to deal with all of the baggage and headaches that come with dating a single dad. When men publicly say that won’t date a single mom they’re bashed and called less then men. I think you did a really good job pointing out the negative points of being a step parent. I would argue for a man it’s 10 times worse because you actually have to… Read more »
Other negatives
– when you try to cuddle with your girl child says “get off my mommy” and starts kicking and screaming.
– hard to have sex because child bursts in the room.
– tons of other bad stuff
Anyone who would actively deal with this on a day to day basis has to be desperate.
As a single father of 3 (26, 24, and custody of the 12 year old) I have faced the other side of this over and over. The fact is, as a man I have to decide what my highest priority is. For me, this decision was very easy to make, but for some it’s not easy to keep. I have walked away from more than one relationship because the woman I was dating couldn’t understand that she wasn’t my highest priority. When I explained that my children come first over ALL other people in my life, most women get that… Read more »
Those are good points…. I think it is tough for anyone to accept they won’t be a priority in their significant other’s life, that they may not be able to spend as much time together as they would like, and that they will always be playing 2nd fiddle to,the children. Which is one reason why I’m to interested in dating men with children, I have needs that need to be met; Such as emptioal support, companionship, and regular sex; I don’t think my needs are excessive, but if a man can’t meet them because of his children, there is no… Read more »
I didn’t finish my thought yesterday. My second end of that thought is there are a lot of people out there just not suited to dating people with children. I’m thinking mostly those people that have to be the absolute center of attention all the time in a relationship. They are likely to see the child as baggage because the child is taking away from their time. The child becomes this annoyance. Or they get annoyed because on the days the child is around they are going to be doing kid friendly things. I didn’t particularly care. In my situation… Read more »
I think the hardest thing I’ve encountered in dating men with children is that they expect me to be “maternal” and to have a natural ability to relate to children, and to automatically know “mom stuff.” In fact, I find children rather scary, and I am not good at talking to them or relating to them, and I don’t have kids so I’m not even sure of the basics like what they should eat and what to do when they get cranky. I remember going to a hockey game with a man and his 6 year old daughter, and he… Read more »
In early adulthood I was ruthless in my unwillingness to even consider dating a woman with kids in tow. Life threw me a curve years later when, for reasons beyond my control, I was awarded full custody of my kids. It was extremely difficult to find women who would even consider dating me during those earliest years with the children, and I totally understood. I wouldn’t have dated me. It is just a great deal to ask of another person, and the younger you are, the more daunting the challenge. As far as blended families, tried that too, and unless… Read more »
Your last sentence says it all! You really cannot say that you would or would not be able to do it until you’re in the situation. I’m a single full-time father and I freely admit that it is a difficult task for anyone to date me. If giving advice to anyone interested in dating a single parent, I am always honest and state that they should proceed with extreme caution. Normal relationships are difficult without throwing a 3rd person into the mix. But this isn’t just the single child-less persons difficulty with that dynamic, the parent-partner needs to be understanding… Read more »
Well stated Kat. Mark, I think it’s due more to a lack of preparation for parenting than a spiteful fit of time nabbing, haha. Emily, what I see women too often do is set up a negative scenario based on what they assume life will be like before they understand what it would actually be like. Opinions from a lack of understanding can be the worse baggage of all, as you’ve defined it. If you view a child as baggage, how are you going to interact with that child? If you view the fact that there are children involved as… Read more »
The question bothers me a little, because as you glossed by your your bachelorette reference, a man failing to accept a single mothers children is deemed a horrible person. We’re told women shouldn’t be punished for being expected to raise their children, yet the man you dated also wanted to raise his children, and worst, didn’t get as much opportunity to do so (puting the kid to be via skype?)… So why should we men be expected to take on the single mothers greater parenting time, simply because she (generally) chooses to take more time? And why shouldn’t the father… Read more »
At 19 I became a step parent and since then it has continued to be a journey for me (even after that relationship ended for many reasons). Though we had a unique coparenting arrangement which made it easier (I was and am good friend with the mother of the child) the reality was it still wasn’t easy. That being said I would likely date a man with children. As I learned it’s not the parenting aspect I didn’t like but the chaos of the two adults I don’t like at all. In a functional, serious and long term relationship the… Read more »