Yesterday I was out with friends. We went to a local park and had some coffee on the way. Julie (name changed) could not get the big smile out of her face. It was her falling in love smile. She and her boyfriend Tom (name changed) are official now. We congratulated her. Ashley and I (name changed) care a lot about Julie.
Julie and Tom have a troubling back story. Their first relationship attempt ended in a complete mess. He got with another girl while they still were together. Ashley and I were there for Julie. I am happy to see her happy, but I also do not want her to get hurt again.
After a brief congratulation, Ashley caught my thoughts and started reminding Julie of her past with Tom. Ashley pointed out how stupid Julie was for getting back with him while stuck with her strong belief in Tom. He has changed and learned from his mistakes. The conversations spiraled down into a fight where Julie accused us of not caring about her.
I Have to Admit That She Was Right
“I care about you” are some easy-to-say words. They come faster over our lips than “I love you”. We use “I care about you” to express our sympathy. But do we care? We love Julie, and we only want the best for her. Julie is a very giving person who believes in true love and does not hold back from dreaming about her happily ever after. At the same time, she gets hurt quickly. Criticism cuts her deep, and trust has been an issue in each of her past relationships. Ashley and I have been the ones who picked her up after each break-up. So I get where Ashley is coming from. Ashley is a strong-minded woman who does not build her character on approval. Seeing Julie getting back with Tom got to here. I kept quiet because I could not figure out who was right? Was it Julie or Ashley? Both had their valid points.
A Similar Situation a Few Years Ago
Anna (name changed) and I have been friends ever since kindergarten. She is that talented artist that anyone needs in their life. If you wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me, who I care about most, she is on my top 3 list. I would respond that I love and deeply care about her. But in reality, I did not when it matter.
A few years ago, when she was applying for universities abroad, I got mad at her. We fought a lot. Every conversation ended in an argument. Deep down, I was crying for help. I did not want her to leave and start a new life with new and exciting people. I was scared that she would bump into a new best friend on her first day, as we did in kindergarten. When she asked me for help with her applications and later on with packing up her things before moving out of her parents, I denied it.
Three days before she was moving, I made up some silly excuses why I could not come to help. I think I said that I had to take my dog to the vet. In the first weeks after her leaving, we video chatted almost daily.
I got to know the people she was hanging out with and her roommates. Anything was as usual. The only thing we were not able to do was meeting in person. Three months into her semester, she came to visit, and we spent time. My fear of losing her faded away. Not like me, she still cared about our friendship and made an effort to keep our relationship up. More importantly, she cared about me and about how I was doing. She did not leave me behind, and she still took time for our frequent talks. Anna showed me what it looks like to care about somebody you love. I was happy to be proven wrong.
As a result, I started questioning myself. We always had a strong bond and bounced back after fights. It should not have taken me by surprise. At first, I was anxious to address my thoughts. I did not want to upset Anna since things were going so well. Not taken by surprise this time, she cut through my anxieties and addressed my problem by herself.
“You were so upset and scared when I first told you”, she said.
She knew it. I only shook my head and smiled. I have to admit that I was a bit ashamed.
“Why did not you say something about it”, I asked.
“Because I wanted to prove you wrong”, she answered smiling.
Anna and I are still friends. We are best friends. I am deeply thankful for this experience and wish anyone of you an Anna. When Ashley and Julie fought, it reminded me of the situation I had with Anna.
How Much Should We Get Involved?
Anna taught me how to be a caring friend. Next week she leaves for her sabbatical, and I am looking forward to it. Honestly, I could not be more relaxed. Ashley could feel the same way about Julie. If she cares about her, she would accept her decision. Instead, she chooses to be mad at her best friend for pursuing love.
Sometimes it is the people we care less about that care the most about us. I looked at all of my relationships and discovered that I only cared about the people I love to a certain extent. What about you? What would you be willing to put up? Your best friend’s new boyfriend that you do not like, but that makes her happy and feel loved? Your parents splitting up because they are no longer happy?
Caring Takes a Great Amount of Courage
Now I know that caring about people means being part of their life, but not restricting them. If you care about somebody, you stand by their side and let them figure out their own life.
Stop guarding them and gaslighting their decisions. It will only push them further away from you. Give people space you would like to have.
Takeaway
Confidence is the perfect antidote to many problems. We seek wisdom and books and advice when we forget that it starts with us. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Confidence lies within all of us. It is our true beauty, and it helps us build the relationships we want. Being more confident in your decision-making process allows you to give your peers the same amount of confidence. My experience with Anna helped me to establish confidence in our relationship. I let go and she came back. For her, it was not a question because she cared about me.
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Previously Published on medium
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