(This article is part of the series of “catching early red flags in dating” that will help you date better — both offline and online. Follow along for the next part.)
Many disappointments can be prevented if we’re careful in the beginning.
However, most people don’t do that. They like to jump on board with whoever shows interest in them.
That’s the dark side of modern dating. People like to rush things out without rational thinking.
Meeting someone new is easy, just one swipe away. But most relationships don’t even last 3 months.
The reasons? It’s always been either we aren’t on the same page, “or “she/he isn’t good enough for me.”
But the thing is, how do we expect a long-term relationship will happen if we’re just jumping to one thing after another?
This is why whenever I see someone who can’t be single for more than a month, I know right away it’s someone I shouldn’t be with.
Here’s why:
When they’re always in a relationship, it’s a sign of codependency behavior
Someone with a codependency behavior tends to depend on other people too much. This also means they want more attention and don’t enjoy being on their own.
A psychotherapist, April Eldemire LMFT, also said that;
“A codependent person has little or no interests outside of their relationship; they lack or neglect any personal interests or values. They derive their pleasure and main identity out of their role in the codependent relationship.
That’s why, once their relationship ends, they have this urge to find someone new as soon as possible.
It’s a big red flag for you if you want to build a long-lasting relationship because they might not have the same intention.
For this type of person, as long as they’re with someone, that should be enough. This leads to their low efforts in putting in the work to make the relationship thrive and grow.
One guy I dated has a long history of exes. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a casual or committed relationship. He’s always been in one with no break in between.
I wish I’d listened to my gut more so I didn’t make the mistake of staying in an unhealthy relationship with him.
Dating someone with a deep codependency behavior will mentally drain you. He/she always seeks more attention.
While it feels good to be needed sometimes, too much companionship is also no good.
A healthy relationship requires two people who can give space for each other. A space to breathe and do your own thing outside your love life.
But of course, you can’t do it with someone too scared to be alone.
There’s nothing wrong with being single for a long period
“Single is no longer a lack of options — but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.” — Mandy Hale
It’s hard for some people to have that ‘single’ status. Not everyone is comfortable with the fact that they don’t have anybody to share with (in a romantic way).
That’s why you see many people are always active on dating apps and say no to taking a break from dating — even if it’s for 6 months.
However, this approach is what makes people fail in building long-term relationships. Being single for a longer period is actually great for your mental health.
On the other hand, you also have enough time to reflect on what went wrong in your past relationship and take note of the lessons.
If you jump straight to a new relationship, how do you know if you’ve worked on your issues?
We all make mistakes and have flaws. We can only get better if we’re open to improving ourselves first rather than expecting our next partner to perfect.
Therefore, dating someone secure enough to be on their own is important. Because without it, you’ll most likely just set yourself up for another failure.
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Parting Words
Overall, I think catching this early red flag is crucial before you commit to someone. There’s nothing wrong with asking about someone’s past because it’ll define how they treat you.
If someone has never been single and changes his/her partner every couple of months, then it’s clear this person doesn’t want a long-term commitment.
In this modern dating, there are too many games people like to play. And if you want to end up with the right one, you’ve got to be smart.
Indeed, it can be more complicated. Still, it doesn’t mean you should settle down for less.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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