Kyle Ashlee highlights the importance of Duke University’s #YouDontSay campaign.
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Students at Duke University have organized a campaign to illustrate the power of language that they’re calling ‘You Don’t Say.’ The initiative highlights several commonly used derogatory phrases, such as “That’s So Gay” and “No Homo,” along with an explanation of why these sayings are problematic.
This initiative unearths some of the real oppression and hate that is ingrained in popular culture. Bias and discrimination are so deeply embedded that we can use phrases like “Don’t Be a Pussy” and not even think about what it implies for women and those who have vaginas. Additionally, the campaign includes faces of students who believe in these messages. In a world of anonymous comments and Internet trolls, it is rare to find a passionate group of activists who are willing to put a face to their words. Finally, Duke’s ‘You Don’t Say’ campaign features men. Male students at colleges and universities tend to get painted as either apathetic or a part of the problem, which ignores a great number of men who truly care. ‘You Don’t Say’ refreshingly highlights college men who are actively working to create positive change.
The Duke campaign also focuses specifically on men. Among the phrases deconstructed in the campaign is “Man Up,” a nasty insult often used to shame men and others for showing any sign of weakness. On the ‘You Don’t Say’ Facebook page, there are two student testaments dedicated to this particular phrase.
While this reasoning should be more than enough justification for purging this language from your vocabulary, we can go deeper. This particular expression is so damaging to men and boys that it deserves extra attention.
Here are 5 reasons I don’t say “Man Up”:
1. Strength and Weakness Have Nothing to do with Sex and Gender
As the folks from ‘You Don’t Say’ have demonstrated, it’s false to assume that a person’s gender is somehow an indication of their strength and courage. We are socialized to believe that men are strong and women are fragile, when in reality that belief couldn’t be further from the truth. Men and women are both strong. Men and women both have weaknesses as well. And what about those folks who don’t identify on the gender binary? Assuming that strength is inextricably tied to manliness is wrong and limits the conversation of who can and cannot be strong.
2. Shaming Doesn’t Work
The phrase “Man Up” is often used as an attempt to shame men for showing weakness. Whether it’s getting injured on the basketball court or grieving the death of a family member, men in our culture are forbidden from expressing the effects of pain. One way to enforce this rule is to make men feel ashamed of their feelings and force them back into the box of acceptable masculinity. Sadly, the negative impact of this shaming is seen all too often. Depression and suicide rates for men are through the roof, but we’re too tough to seek help. Substance use and alcoholism is prevalent, but we won’t reach out for support. Incarceration rates for men are nearly fifteen times higher than for women. Shaming as a way to protect men from weakness obviously isn’t working.
3. Vulnerability is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness
Men tend to define strength in terms of brute physical force or the willingness to ignore logic and reason. Based on these definitions, many men are left feeling powerless to solve their problems. Bench-pressing 300 pounds won’t fix a marriage and denying a fear of public speaking won’t make it go away during a presentation at work. The real issues that men face on a daily basis require a different kind of strength. In order to overcome these challenges, we have to face our fears and that means admitting that we have them in the first place. Vulnerability is a powerful form of strength because it takes courage. Asking someone for help because we can’t handle something on our own is true vulnerability, and it might actually be the strongest thing we can do.
4. I Value Authentic Male Relationships
When someone says, “Man Up,” they want the other person to change their behavior. It tends to be an ultimatum that forces men to either change how they’re acting or be changed. When these are the rules, it makes developing genuine relationships extremely difficult. Let’s be honest, how many men share their honest hopes and fears with each other? How many men confide in one another when they need support? How many men cry with one another? Research shows that men need these kinds of authentic relationships with each other for support and vitality throughout their lives. Policing men to be tough and stoic seems to be a sure fire way to stifle genuine male friendships.
5. I’m Not a Bully
Bullies make their living by putting others down, but we all know they do it because they feel threatened and insecure. Shaming someone for not adhering to the rules of masculinity can be an effective way to affirm one’s own sense of manhood. If we adopt this strategy, however, we’re left either feeling ashamed or alone. Men need to break away from this destructive cycle of man-shaming in order to become more confident and more secure in our expressions of masculinity. One way to start this work is to abandon shaming language like “Man Up” and the underlying assumption that real men don’t show weakness.
The ‘You Don’t Say’ campaign at Duke University challenges us to reconsider many of the sayings we use everyday and urges us to go further. Each portrait effectively addresses one dimension of the assumptions and biases that accompany these phrases. If we are to truly understand the weight of our words, we must grapple with them and learn their real impact on others and ourselves. Language is a tool for communication and like other tools it should be examined and understood before being used. These brave college students have shown us what can happen when we don’t take that responsibility seriously.
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Philip, thanks so much for your comments. I agree and I appreciate them greatly.
That’s a big part of my objection. It is unjust to hold a person responsible for circumstances beyond their ability to handle. Mainstream society’s “list” of appropriate circumstances for the terms use are entirely too broad; or at least too quick to judge the appropriate time to tell the man to (basically) “shape up”. In truth, some men who are, by all surface appearances, “normal” (i.e. without any obvious defect in mental, physical, social, etc. skills) could well be carrying a lot of mental and emotional baggage (or even be naturally in the most sensitive, or the weakest, etc. 5%… Read more »
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‘Man up’, ‘grow a pair’, and other such statements really don’t depend primarily on differences between women and men, but on the very real differences between boys and men. Reading everything in terms of a gender binary misses the existence of the many oppositions that we establish between children and adults. ‘Man up’ and other such expressions should have a place in our speech, as should other ‘shaming’ language. Sometimes people ought to feel ashamed of themselves. Like any such expression, there is a time and a place. Sometimes adult males act in a manner unbefitting of a grown person… Read more »
Totally aside from any alleged sexism in the term, “man up” assumes the difficulties actually are within the male’s own control, which is not always the case. It’s impossible to know the entire relevant personal history of even people you do know well, or their base assumptions underlying how they operate – let alone those you don’t know well or at all. Therefore, you cannot know for sure that the problems he has are, in fact, within his ability to handle well. Not all men have the ability to handle such and such a problem, even if 95+% of them… Read more »
Thanks for the response, Philip. I disagree with much of your comment. I really don’t think that infantile behaviour is so hard to recognize. I have no doubt that some people use ‘man up’ in inappropriate and objectionable ways. My intention has never been to give a carte blanche to the use of such an expression, but to say that, even if we recognize the dangers of careless use of an expression, it needn’t and shouldn’t be completely abandoned. Specific instances of childish behaviour—over-sensitivity, cowardice, failure to take responsibility, unreasonable expectations, etc.—often may not hurt anyone at all. However, when… Read more »
Perfecto, Alastair.
The guys I work with would read your words and say, “hell yeah”.
It takes a lot of authentic love to give person (man or woman) a proper kick in the ass.
I’ve appreciated the ones I’ve received!
My bad for not posting this under your reply. This post is a response to your August 25, 2014 at 10:14 pm one.
August 27, 2014 at 3:20 am
Good points, Kyle. I especially appreciate #4 and the value of authentic male relationships. I want to comment on this sentence, “When someone says, “Man Up,” they want the other person to change their behavior.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting another person’s behavior to change when that behavior is unhealthy, self-destructive, and destructive to his/her relationships. Personal growth and awareness is all about seeing what thoughts, words, and behaviors we choose are helping or hurting us and our relationships. In my men’s retreats, we don’t use “man-up”, but when a brother (or sister) is making bad choices in… Read more »
I have a lot of problems with mainstream definitions of manliness, some outlined above. First and foremost, the definition of this and allied terms depend on who you ask, making it practically impossible to have a meaningful discussion about it. However, the predominate view seems to equate it with what I call “Social Dominance” (power, control, domination of tough situations and people, etc) first and foremost, with what I call the “Civility / Humanitarian” traits being an afterthought. When the chips are down, most people will put the latter ahead of the former, at least temporarily. Then so many will… Read more »
Correction, if belated.
I said above: “…Richard Dawkins’ video “Survival of the Nicest”..”.
The video is actually “Nice Guys Finish First”.
Apologies for my error.
As a male active duty member, I have no problem telling another male to ‘man up’ in a time of stress and chaos…frankly not thinking or caring about ‘authentic relationships’ when jumping
Err I think this is a bit of an odd phrase “women and those who have vaginas”. Who else has a vagina? If you having a campaign to use language positively should it not also be used correctly?
The phrase ‘Man Up’ is about being a man rather than a boy. It has nothing to do with strength, brute force or anything similar. It is, as stated above, about taking responsibility as a man, not needing to taken care of as a boy. You can ‘Man Up’ and still be weak physically, vulnerable or gentle. You don’t need to change who you are, just be that person.
“Men tend to define strength in terms of brute physical force or the willingness to ignore logic and reason.”
Erhh… what? Ignoring the fact that the above statement generalizes men as being idiots and brutes… no one defines it as “a willingness to ignore logic and reason”. The word you’re looking for is “perseverance” and, until your ilk tries to define it as something negative, it’s a good thing.
I think the author misunderstands the term “Man up,” misunderstands male communication, or is insenstive to the way men are motivated. Understand that I’m excluding situations of hazing or belittling, and that does happen. The concept of “man up” inspires and challenges us to do hard things. To go the extra mile. To put aside our weakness, tiredness, etc. and continue the course until it’s complete. If I didn’t “man up,” I might have walked out on my marriage 10 years ago – sometimes we have to do hard things. And sometimes manning up means taking on vulnerability, and even… Read more »
In general, I agree. Though I do see exceptions such as a guy blaming a girl for pregnancy, “You ruined my life”. Maybe, “Man up and take responsibility for your part to play in this” is fair enough. I am talking extreme circumstances and lack of adult behaviour when I note exceptions. Maybe ‘adult-up’ is better???
Maybe, “be a responsible person” is good enough.
“Vulnerability is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness”
Wow, if this isn’t newspeak I don’t know what is.
That’s like saying “being quiet is a sign of noise, not silence”
Vulnerability is literally a synonym of weakness.
And because I am not weak, words cannot hurt me.
I’ve had a lot worse slung at me than “man up”, and I don’t know how this generation is supposed to survive if common language is too hard for these softies.
It IS strength because they’re willing to be open and vulnerable. It is weakness to shut yourself off from the world, to not show your emotions, to not be willing to face the world and sometimes maybe get hurt.
Brene Brown has a lot to say about the value of being vulnerable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Add to the list creep, a-hole, and jerk, which are almost exclusively directed toward men.
I’m so glad you went deeper into the phrase “man up” because honestly those posters are a bit lacking, especially when compared to the other posters in that campaign. I can’t help but notice that while there are several mentions of women and femininity in several of the posters the only time men come up directly is in the ones talking about gay men (and from what I can tell masculinity is never explicitly brought up). Not even the “man up” ones specifically mention men or masculinity. Its almost like these posters were worded carefully to avoid those terms. Thanks… Read more »
Masculinity is forbidden and outdated…right? Feminity on the other hand is championed and packaged by mass media.
Can you define either of those two terms?
This is a good thing and a bad thing that these students are doing. First of all we have to look at the context of terminologies. For one gay..means happy..it has nothing to do with homosexualality. To say thats so gay is implying that is so happy or absurd. To say man up is implying that one takes action for their responsibilities. As a father of six sons, I often use the term manup..when they shirk responsibility for their actions. The terms mentioned in this article are bad only when used in the wrong context. This in itself is the… Read more »
Typical macho male that, unfortunately, is too accustomed to the “normality” of aggressive, rude and/or even violent conditionings of his society and culture that he believes that is the only way to live, and that trying to analyze and change the (supposedly) small problems is actually what is making it worse (!). Sad, but many people are just like this guys.
My Gosh, Josh…you took a huge leap there! I don’t see any macho crap, just a different perspective. How do you infer agression, violence and rude in what “B” writes??? It’s silly in this day and age to think Gay means happy however..
Josh, you just did what this article is trying to eradicate. By calling B. Schaefer a “typical male”, you cancelled out any argument you really have. You have a pre-concieved and bias view of gender. Any argument you put forth after that, is basically moot. Because B. is a man….Nicely done.
“For one gay..means happy..it has nothing to do with homosexualality. To say thats so gay is implying that is so happy or absurd.” This is actually completely incorrect. Decades and decades ago, when society was not as kind to non-straight people as it is today, “gay” was used as a code word for homosexuality. Eventually, straight people caught on; and now we all comfortably use the term. People saying, “That’s so gay,” as a way to deride something, has ALWAYS been rooted in “that is outside of what is normal/acceptable, which is how I [the person saying “that’s so gay]… Read more »
Language is powerful in defining who we are allowed to become. This is a great campaign. The list of reasons not to say, “Man Up” is also awesome. We must remove shame and allow authenticity and vulnerability to have deep, meaningful relationships.
When you refer to “Don’t be a pussy” I never once in my life thought and still don’ think that Don’be a pussy means or refers to a vagina. Don’t be a pussy always referred to as a scaredy cat.In life one should try new things and experience life not live on “what ifs”. I have never heard it in the context of referring to being a vagina.
That’s not what don’t be a pussy has always meant to me. It meant weakness. It meant being a girl. Boys are taught not to be afraid. Boys are taught to be strong. If you’re afraid and weak then you must be a girl. Guys can be called a pussy because they got hurt and didn’t tough it out.
The word ‘pussy’ as in ‘don’t be a pussy’ actually came from the word ‘pusillanimous’ – showing a lack of courage or determination; timid. It had nothing to do with slang reference to female genitalia…
From pussycat – a cat or kitten or someone kind and gendle in nature …
Do you have a credible source for that information? I think this is a myth.
Words have meanings that are independent of what you think about them. I once saw an interview with a KKK leader who genuinely believed that his use of the word “nigger” was not racist, because he was not necessarily talking about black people when he said it.
“Pussy” is a sexist term, for a very obvious reason, no matter what you personally think when you are saying it.
Yet other men and women do make that connection. I hear guys tell each other not to be vaginas in the same context they would otherwise use pussy. I’ve also heard them refer to actual vaginas as pussies.
You’re being wilfully ignorant.
Additionally, retard originally comes from latin for delayng or slowing down and was widely used in music, but that is not what people mean when they call someone a retard.
Thanks for this Kyle.
It’s great to see men and women prepared to challenge some of today’s “accepted” norms. Provoking people to be aware and responsible for their words and actions is so important. The students at Duke are a leading light of self-leadership.
The old adage about “Sticks and stones may break your bone but names will never hurt you” is, was and forever will be so untrue.. We are to use words to bring life to people’s lives rather than death.
Well done Duke for leading by example.