Chemistry, attraction, and sex are great things that can pop up — but they’re different than love.
Taking care of someone else’s needs by devoting your life to them — doesn’t just happen.
Attraction overwhelms and overtakes us like a storm cloud, but we choose to love.
Love is mysterious
Romance, loyalty, sex, and happiness are complicated and messy.
Whether you believe in love at first sight or it evolves over time, let’s agree, it includes a strong physical desire for another person.
Once mutual exhilaration is established and you’re having sex like nubile teenagers — things can go off the rails.
Devotion
My definition is someone who demonstrates caring through concrete actions: physical affection, sharing of chores, and prioritizing each other’s needs.
When you pledge to love someone, that person comes first in your life…period. When they call, you drop everything.
The test of time
Will you eventually get sick of the person you’ve promised to love for life? It’s likely.
Does it mean you’ll want to have sex with someone else so badly, you would self-vasectomize yourself to have it? Yes.
Will either of you have actual sex with someone other than each other? Maybe. If not, you’ll create mental fantasies so real, you’ll think you did.
We are human animals. We are not biologically or physiologically inclined to be satisfied with one person our entire lives. It is normal to have temptation for others over our lifetime.
Attraction and desire choose us; loyalty is a choice.
How to chose
Are you ready to be vulnerable?
Are you willing to risk another broken heart?
If the answer is yes to both, you are as ready as you can be.
People compare love to a rollercoaster for a reason — there’s a point in the ride where there is no turning back.
I now at least try to pair butterflies with compatibility, whereas in my past I subscribed to the “love solves all problems” philosophy.
Am I anti-love?
Absolutely not.
I love, love.
But if I enter into it again, I will have my eyes wide open.
Will I be scared my soulmate will cheat on me or otherwise lose interest? Yes.
Could it all go to hell like a TV melodrama? Of course. Could I be humiliated and embarrassed? Indeed.
Is there any way to prepare for a broken heart? No.
When to call it quits
It’s difficult to know when it’s time to stop being devoted to someone. It’s a personal choice.
I’m in tune enough with my mental and emotional health to know when the person who, at one time, choose to love me, no longer does….or vice versa.
I’ve always been devoted, as long as it was mutual. Maybe I should have been more patient or forgiving when things went off the tracks — or tried harder and longer to salvage what once was.
Sometimes, two people with decent intentions ultimately don’t belong together. And should go separate ways, regardless of how much time and energy was invested. Or which choices were made.
We all have different psychological dispositions, emotional strengths, and lifestyles.
Breaking up or divorcing is a profoundly personal decision. People define love, commitment, and loyalty on their own terms.
If someone is genuinely happy despite their spouse cheating or treating them poorly, it’s their choice to remain.
Others draw strict lines in the sand and walk away at the slightest perceived injustice.
This is what I mean by love is a choice. Two people make a conscious decision to persevere, or not.
So, how do you know when to make a fresh start?
For me, there came a point where day after day, month after month, there was a physical, emotional, and psychological gulf and division that felt insurmountable. We were both miserable and couldn’t find a pathway back to happiness.
It doesn’t mean the relationship or marriage wasn’t important and valuable with plenty of mutually shared love. Nor does it mean we couldn’t have circled back to happiness if we had hung in there.
It just means it ended.
While I miss the good times, I harbor few regrets. You can’t live backward.
I do advise my children to be as persistent and patient as possible in their relationships because having someone they know well and trust is priceless. And I hope they have lifelong love partners….but ultimately, it is their choice.
Conclusion
Love typically begins with chemistry.
Mutual attraction exists, but we don’t choose it. It chooses us.
We choose to say the words, “I love you.”
We choose to commit to a lifetime together.
We choose whether to succumb to temptation.
We decide whether the love has died….or just needs some mending.
But we choose….for ourselves.
We don’t get to choose how the other person feels or behaves.
We don’t get to choose whether our life partner is going to betray us.
When I’m ready to strap myself into the roller coaster and accept I can’t slow it down, I’ll choose to be devoted again and try to enjoy the ride.
Because love, though it may be transient, is ultimately a choice…..and a calculated risk.
If you’re lucky, you, and your soulmate, will make the same decisions….forever.
If not, don’t second guess your choices. You went for it. You loved.
You can live a life of chemistry and mutual attraction, but if you want a chance at long-lasting love, you’ve got to choose it.
Then live it to the fullest….for as long as it lasts.
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Previously Published on medium
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