Chemo Stopped Working

Recently I went through more chemo. My markers were going up and so I agreed to do chemo again. My markers went down during the first round of three treatments.

However, during the second round, the markers were going up again. After the first treatment of this second round, I agreed to another treatment to see if this was an anamoly.

It wasn’t.

After the second treatment, the markers kept going up. So I decided not to do the third treatment. Instead, I agreed to meet with my oncologist the following week.

That appointment will be next week.

I am not sure what options I have and whether they would be acceptable.

Chemotherapy has aleaady been miserable. I’m not sure I want to keep going with even more painful treatments.

I’ve got a friend who has been battling cancer for a while. It keeps coming back and the doctors keep trying newer drugs. When he is on the drugs he can’t eat, throws up all the time, is frail and miserable. He is doing it to live, which I understand.

However, I have periodically taken breaks from treatment. My oncologist didn’t like it, but doing it my way, I was able to do things — I traveled on Amtrak (something I’d always wanted to do), create happy memories with friends, participate at church, grow vegetables in a community garden, go to a jazz concert and on a couple of road trips.

In addition, as of April, I’d survived 3 years. Originally I was given 6 months to live by the brain surgeon who took out the lemon sized tumor from my brain.

My radiologist, who took care of the brain cancer, is pleased. My brain has been cancer free for almost 2 years.

Originally, I also had lung and liver cancer. Now, these areas are cancer free.

Unfortunately, I kept getting metastases in other areas. My bones, in particular.

I’ve lost 40% of the bone in my lower back. However, the cancer is gone from this area now and I use a back brace when I need it, along with using stretches and exercise. I seldom have pain as long as I’m careful.

However, then the cancer showed up in my right femur, and then in my left hip.

For a while the chemo seemed to be working. Then it stopped.

I’ve decided I don’t want to ruin my life in order to try to get a few more months. Instead, I’m going to enjoy my life and pray for a miracle.

Because I am a person of faith, I do believe that Jesus can heal me. I also believe that when I die — and we all die sometime — I will be embraced by Him and be in a better place.

However, I am praying for healing. I don’t want to leave my mother alone, and I also have pets who depend on me. Plus I have things I still want to do on my bucketlist and friends who would miss me and who I want to spend time with.

I feel optimistic.

I am acting like I will live. I continue to eat carefully. I exercise every day except Sunday. I try to get enough sleep. I make plans. I pray every day not just for myself but for others. I spend time with those I love. I watch shows that make me laugh, listen to music that makes me happy, and read good books.

I plan to live.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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