Codependency Changed Me

Do you ever get caught comparing your current self to your past self?

I do.

It could be something simple like I used to make my own almond milk; now I don’t. Or, it could be something bigger like, I used to be so much more disciplined and now I lack self-control.

It’s easy to be hard on ourselves, especially when we have little monsters inside of our heads taunting us. I know how it goes.

One narrative I get caught telling myself is I used to be much more independent than I am now.

Relationships change us for better or worse

There is no question that the people around us shape who we are. Romantic or otherwise, our relationships impact how we think and behave. Some people are aware of the good or bad changes during their relationships, while others don’t realize it until much later.

When I got out of my last relationship, I barely recognized myself. I couldn’t wait to live on my own again until it happened, and depression and anxiety crippled me. The days were long and the nights when I finally fell asleep were far too short.

My last relationship turned me codependent, but I guess that’s sort of customary for toxic, messy, trauma bonds. In the beginning, being so independent caused issues because it made the other person feel lonely and unloved. But by the end of our relationship, the only thing we did separately was work. Everything else we did together — even when we were fighting. And we fought a lot.

My ex-partner and I didn’t know how to be on our own by the end of our relationship because the attachment between us had become so intense and intertwined.

It’s taken me nearly two years to regain my independence

The start of 2023 was the first time in almost two years that I’ve felt my independence come back to life. I’m learning how to prioritize my needs, and how to take care of myself again.

For a year and a half, I’ve been with my current partner, who is the complete opposite of my ex. When he’s busy taking care of himself, I’ve commonly felt what my ex felt when he was with me: lonely, unloved, and even jealous. I will say, my partner has some workaholic tendencies, and not all of my neediness goes unjustified. Sometimes, however, I get upset by our lack of time together because I find it hard to be on my own.

Honestly, I spent most of 2022 wondering where the heck my independence, motivation, and drive from the past went, and why I couldn’t seem to find it again. That’s not to say I have done nothing on my own, but I haven’t been able to do most things on my own with peace of mind and excitement.

In some ways, my codependence and the symptoms to come from that state of mind triggered my anxiety and depression. And that’s a lot to put on a person.

I’ve decided this year will be different. A better me is in the process of evolving.

What do you need?

Most of us are good at checking in with those we care about when they are struggling by asking questions like, “What do you need?” or, “How can I help?”

Asking ourselves those same questions doesn’t come as naturally, but is equally important.

Checking in with myself daily has helped me not to let the actions of others affect me so drastically. I cannot control other people and that has been a hard truth to swallow. All I can do is look in the mirror each day and ask, “What do you need?” and, “How can I help?”

I’m done rescuing

One of the common patterns of codependency is rescuing or caretaking. Melody Beattie explains it this way in Codependent No More:

We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle… We rescue whenever we take care of other people (and not ourselves)… Caretaking breeds anger.

I don’t want to be angry or resentful toward the people I love anymore. I’m done neglecting my needs and rescuing.

Since I’ve started doing the things I need to feel safe, okay, and confident, my independence has shone through more and more. I’m happier with myself and others. I can love better.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

My past self helped me

It’s always bothered me when my past self shows up to remind me who my current self isn’t. However, in this case, I think my past self helped me. She’s been there in the absence of my independence, reminding me I still have the fire I thought I’d lost. I just didn’t always believe her.

…

In talking to others, I’ve learned it’s quite common to experience codependency in relationships, forgetting how to prioritize yourself, by yourself. It takes time to undo knots that have always been there or ones that have gotten tied amid falling in love… whether or not that love turned sour.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel myself again.

But the other night, after completing a hot pilates workout, I sat with one hand over the other at my heart and made a commitment to myself. I said, I know I’ve been gone, but I’m here now and promise to protect you moving forward.

2023 will be a good year as long as I keep that intention close.

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Thank you for being here.✨

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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