Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood dynamic. Because codependency originally was coined to describe the behavioural patterns observed in family members dealing with alcoholism, many people dismiss the possibility that codependency may be running the show of their relationships.
Additionally, many codependent dynamics are viewed as romantic and even noble, so normalizing their existence is culturally natural. Codependency prioritizes the survival of a dynamic over everything else, including each individual’s well being, leading to harmful habits such as sacrifice, unrealistic expectations, resentment, control and disappointment. In simple terms, codependency is addiction to relationships and people.
The key identification of codependency is making your pain someone else’s fault, and above that—what is your motivation behind anything you’re doing? Are you doing something because you made a conscious choice to do it, or are you acting from guilt and obligation? Are you choosing to give or giving compulsively despite not genuinely wanting to? Are you hoping someone will like or love you if you do something for, or give something to, her or him? Do you feel lovable and likable, and have self-esteem? Or do you have to prove those things to other people and yourself through manipulating circumstances and behaviours? This addiction is amazingly difficult to see from the outside because its addicts wear a mask of adequacy, happiness and success designed to win the all-important approval. But these habits of powerful, seemingly pointless compulsive feelings are a self fulfilling prophecy of an endless cycle of personal failure and intensified experiences of shame, pain, fear, and repressed anger.
Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self esteem without external validation from the other person is a key sign of codependency. Emotionally and spiritually healthy people know that they are valuable and they matter even when they make a mistake, are confronted by an angry person, are cheated or lied to, or are rejected by a lover, friend, parent, child, or boss.
Healthy individuals may feel other emotions, such as guilt, fear, anger, and pain in these circumstances, but the sense of self-esteem remains intact; whereas Codependents experience difficulty with self-esteem at one or both of extremes. At one end, self-esteem is low or nonexistent: you think that you are worth less than others. At the opposite end is arrogance and grandiosity, narcissism: you think you are set apart and superior to other people.
The second extreme behaviour is a result out of one of two home situations. In the first, a family system teaches its children to find fault with others. The children then learn to regard others as inferior. Such children may be criticized and shamed by the caregivers, but they can disconnect from Self enough to make up for the shame of being “less-than” by judging and criticizing others. This is not self esteem.
The type of self esteem codependents often have is “outteresteem” where validation relies on external references, including how much money they make, who they know, their job, their car, their degree, etc. Feeling fulfilled by these as accomplishments is fine, but it is not self esteem. The problem is that the source of outteresteem is outside the self and vulnerable to changes beyond control.
Boundaries—where you end & I begin
Weak or non existent boundaries are a common core symptom also. Boundaries are an energetic “fence” meant to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us, to keep us from going to other peoples space and abusing them, and to give a sense of who we are. Codependents demonstrate the boundary systems that their parents had.
People with no boundaries have no sense of being abused or of being abusive. Such people may have trouble saying no or protecting themselves. They allow others to take advantage of them physically, sexually, emotionally, or intellectually without clear knowledge that they have the right to say, “Stop that. I don’t want to” or “I am not responsible for your feelings, thoughts, or behaviour”. A codependent with no boundaries not only lacks protection but has no ability to recognize another person’s right to have boundaries and moves through the world unaware of their assaults on others or themselves.
Damaged or partial boundaries may allow one to set boundaries with everyone but authority figures, or his or her spouse, or his or her child. Or the person can usually set boundaries except when be or she is tired, sick, or scared. Also, people with damaged boundaries have only partial awareness that others have boundaries.
With certain individuals or in certain circumstances they become offenders, stepping into someone else’s life and trying to control it or manipulate it. Damaged boundaries may cause a person to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, thinking, or behavior, like when a wife feels shame or guilt because her husband insulted someone at a party.
Reflection:
Where do you find yourself in codependent dynamics? How do these falsely fulfill unmet needs?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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