Cold, Harsh Truths Women Only Realize After Getting Married

You used to talk for hours on end.

Now? As you speak, his finger hovers over the remote control because he needs to get back to whatever he is watching.

You see a red flag in this. It bothers you. You hate that you have to compete for his attention every single time.

What happened to the days the telly didn’t matter? What happened to having time to talk, laugh, or just play stupid?

I had this line of discussion with a close friend last night.

Coincidentally, just a few hours earlier, I’d complimented another of my girls for being one of the strongest women I know.

Me: “I’m sure your hubby feels lucky to have you.”

Her: “At times, I doubt it. It seems like I have to find ways of reminding him how valuable I am to his life and our marriage. I used to think he forgets what I do for him but now realize he sees it as a privilege.”

And just like that, we nose-dived into another discussion about why women feel like they end up with a low deal in marriage.

I think part of women feeling short-changed in marriage stems from the fact that most of us are more emotional than men, so we feel more and notice things faster.

Even the subtle stuff that men don’t care about. We cling to them longer and dig deeper into their meanings — as we should.

Then there are expectations.

I doubt men go into courtship, leave alone a marriage with set expectations. But we do.

Every single chapter — courtship and marriage. Courtship is when we get to test drive the car.

• Do we like the feel of it?
• Does it feel comfortable?
• Is it something we can ride for the rest of our lives?

If it’s a Yes, we then go in.

This is where marital expectations are really cemented.

There’s only one problem.

The before and after pictures are never the same.

I’ve had these discussions with friends. I’ve read and heard about this time and time again.

When women dip their feet in the waters of marriage with set expectations, they wake up five years later only to realize most of them are never going to materialize.

Those of us who are strong enough find ways of bouncing back after bending over backward for so long.

Those who aren’t strong suffer in silence for years.

This is why authentic female friendships are so vital.

You can be open about your disappointments without nursing shame. You can draw strength from each other’s experiences and learn how to mitigate your own challenges.

But, it takes years to get to this level of vulnerability. Or to even find women you can trust.

I know this because I’ve been a miserable young wife staring at a future so bleak I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Too many women find themselves at the low end of the deal because they don’t realize:

You’ll be the one to make the most adjustments in life, and they’ll mostly be tailored around his life.

Last night, my friend Sally really brought this truth to light for me.

She worked as a high school principal when she met her mister. Shortly after, he was deployed to Canada. They uprooted their lives, packed up, and left.

Seven years later, they returned home.

But things weren’t the same for Sally. Her friends had moved on. She had been gone too long to have any threads of commonalities with them.

And women need friends.

Studies show that 98% of women have best friends.

In fact, when you think that having no friends is as dangerous as smoking, it makes sense why men die earlier than women.

Unlike men who talk about cars, boats, and things, we talk about real-life issues and how to handle them.

When I say we go deep, we go deep.

So, here Sally was, trying to build relationships from scratch. I don’t even need to tell you how hard it is to build relationships in adulthood.

Then her career.

You’d think she’d waltz right where she left off, right? Nope.

It wasn’t that easy. She’s now gone back to study.

Meanwhile, Sally’s former colleagues are in high-level positions because they’ve been climbing since she was away.

The picture would be so different had she not followed him abroad. She reckons she would be waaay ahead of her former colleagues, and her career trajectory would look promising.

Her story isn’t isolated. It’s the fate of most ex-pat wives.

You’ll be the one to pick up the slack with the kids most of the time.

Guess who will do kid’s sandwiches for school? Yup. You darling.

Oh, you’ll be the one who knows about all P.T.A meetings. (The school most likely contacts you and not your partner)

You’ll be the first to notice your kids misbehaving. (I mean, they spend most of the time with you.)

Also, you’ll also be the one to start figuring out how to rectify their manners.(Because you can talk about this with other women)

You’ll be the one to organize family meetings (including those with his own relatives) because otherwise, it’ll be a decade before it happens.

I think the worst scenario is if you get married young.

Too many women have told me they would reverse their decisions to get married young if they would. A young woman thinks she knows what she wants, but she really doesn’t.

Young equals inexperience and ignorance. Only time clarifies what we want out of life.

You’ll give and give, and at times, it’ll feel like it’s not being reciprocated.

A wedding ring isn’t the end.

It’s the beginning of tending the marriage, making numerous compromises, and forgiving more than you thought you were capable of.

Marriage requires work to keep the relationship strong. If you don’t work on it, it dies.

You’ll work harder than your husband.

Ask any wife, and she’ll tell you that the amount of unpaid labor is huge, and most of it goes unnoticed.

There’s so much work in a household that people get paid to do this stuff — like real wages.

But when it comes to wives? Domestic labor just feels like a part of the job description.

So…where do we go from here?

This reality doesn’t have to be lived by every woman. Many women are happily single for specific reasons.

But the truth is, some of us like being married.

We still relish the thought of snuggling up to someone when old age turns our hands into leather and our blankets can no longer keep us warm.

We still want the butterflies, even though we know they’ll dwindle with time.

But we have to be smart. Actually, selfishness is more like it.

We must always look out for ourselves and do what makes us happy without the interference of the men and kids in our lives.

And if they forget, we must remind them what we’re made of.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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