Rick Belden reflects on the lack of male leadership in his life and what he is doing to change that for the upcoming generation.
I’ve been thinking recently about the deficiency of appropriate, effective male mentoring in my life and how it’s affected me. I’m 52 and it’s still affecting me, just as it’s affected me at every stage of my life. There’s a huge hole in my life where my father should have been (and still should be), but as big as that hole is, it’s merely the center of a much larger hole, the product of a male culture that is woefully inadequate to meet the true needs of men and boys.
I’ve managed, during the course of my life, to get some of the mentoring I needed from older males in bits and pieces, here and there. I had two or three good male teachers in grade school and high school. There were uncles who helped me out at a few very critical points during my childhood and teen years. My father and his father taught me about building and fixing things and going to work every day. That was better than nothing. But there’s a lot more to being a man than that.
The majority of the mentoring I’ve received in my life came from an older male therapist I saw for several years who helped me learn to work with my dreams. I suppose I could say that I’ve also received some “virtual” mentoring from older males, mostly authors and musicians, whose work I’ve followed, appreciated, and admired without ever meeting them in person, and whose examples have inspired, taught, or initiated me in some fashion. Robert Bly spoke about this sort of in absentia mentoring (in his case it was Yeats) with Bill Moyers in the documentary A Gathering of Men over twenty years ago.
Of course, mentoring for hire and virtual mentoring are not the same, not by a long shot, as what I needed and ideally would have received from a community of elder men who knew me, cared about me, encouraged my development, and spent time with me in person on a regular basis.
I don’t know how that experience can be replaced or recovered once those men are gone, if they were ever there. I think several generations of men are trying to figure that out right now. I also think that a recognition of what we, as boys and young men, needed and didn’t get, and a coming to terms with the powerful feelings of anger, grief, loneliness, betrayal, disorientation, and disappointment that may accompany that awareness, is a good place to start.
I’ve come to feel that part of that process of healing and restoration, at least for me, has to do with finding ways to give younger males whatever mentoring, encouragement, and assistance I can. I’ve recently begun to realize that, in spite of the fact that I still feel incomplete, confused, and inadequate at age 52, I actually have something of value to offer younger men, and furthermore, that they see me as having something of value to offer them.
This realization came as a bit of a shock to me at first, but as I’ve begun to see the truth of it and operate more out of that understanding, I’ve also begun to see that offering younger men what I did not receive myself, as contradictory as it may sound, is another way for me to address that hole in myself that I referenced above.
The generation of men that preceded mine failed me and the men of my generation in many ways, as they themselves were failed by the generation that preceded them, and so on back through the decades. Maybe those of us who have felt those failures so acutely, and suffered for them as a result, can find some ways to bridge the gap between the men who preceded us and those who follow, and thereby receive some portion of what we were not given by giving it to others.
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Many good comments here. Thank you all for reading and sharing your responses to this post. I greatly admire those of you who are fathers for actively and consciously addressing your fears and anxieties about replicating the poor parenting your received. So many parents (fathers and mothers alike) are unwilling to do that, and the result is that much damage is needlessly passed from one generation to the next. I made a vow to myself when I was very young that I would never pass on the experience I was having to another child, no matter what. As it turned… Read more »
Rick, thanks for sharing this and for hanging in there despite insufficient of male influence and role models in your early years. I understand, too, that as we get older such role models continue to forge a path that we can follow. So, it doesn’t end at the beginning of adulthood. I was blessed to come from a community where men were present and engaged with us, especially my own father and grandfather. This despite my father and especially grandfather’s generation of men being intentionally discriminated against, held down, and humiliated because of their (our) race. Thankfully, they chose to… Read more »
I more or less experience the same process Rick. It took me a very long time to decide whether or not I wanted to become a father. My picture of what a father is, turned out to be distorted and disfunctional. I actually hated this picture so much, that I froze whenever somebody asked me about it. I am a father now for four years and I am doing a far better job than I ever expected to do. I am not doing perfect, that’s for sure. But the thing is that If I had the father that I am… Read more »
A person who is in their fifties can still learn things from people in their seventies. I understand the armor concept though. I took to my stepfather at first, but over time I realized he was a drunk and an untrustworthy manipulator. I was mad at him and mad at my mother for allowing him into our lives. A good way to cope with betrayal is to not trust everybody that comes along. To this day, I have very little truck with the hippieish “love the one you’re with” mentality. The same caution must exist among people whose trust was… Read more »
As someone who grew up without any mentoring or adult male in my life, I have to say that it is probably far too late. I developed a rugged self-sufficiency that almost entirely prevents me from engaging in student/mentor relationships. It feels incredibly awkward and makes me feel inferior. A sort of “I needed help then, I asked and did not get it” but I’m a man now so it is too late to be of any use to me. The key is helping boys when they’re young, when they actually are seeking help because they aren’t okay, and not… Read more »
Not buying it Collin. Sounds to me like fear of being let down again…hurt once not going get hurt again. I think that sad coat of armor keeps you from the good and supportive men, and elders who could be there for you. Most sadly, the amazing gifts I know you posses that could enhance a young male’s life will be lost to the next generation of men. ALL men, even angry, lonely, self-sufficient men have something to offer young males, especially the angry, lonely, self-sufficient young males.
Maybe maybe not, but I have had more than my share of having the rug pulled out from under me. In fact, it happened with every single adult male relationship. The worst were the ones who, to my face, told me they’d be there at my father’s funeral, but then overtly and vocally told me they simply didn’t have the time to actually follow through on said promises. I’ve done an excellent job without ANY help from anyone. I made it through true nightmares without anyone to back me up, and I don’t see how pretending I am less than… Read more »
Dam Colin, sounds hard, sad, brutal even. However, in your comments I can hear personal strength and resolve, admirable traits if put to good use. I also hear anger, grief, frustration, and a tendency for isolation. You’re right, hard to learn how to get through all that using Google and the net. I do like that you tried to join Big Brother too. Shows a heart beating for boys and a call to a kind of service that has something (give back) in it for you. No matter you weren’t accepted, it’s your intention that counts. And if you hold… Read more »
I don’t even know how to associate with men, to be honest. I have more female friends than male friends, I have a female therapist (didn’t want a male) and I can’t talk to men about anything of import. It feels kind of weird and, to be honest, gay to have an actual relationship with any man. Surface friendships, completely fine. An authentic relationship… it seems so awkward, strange, and corny. You talk about your “Rite of Passage” weekends, and the whole thing sounds… corny. Men and teens getting together and bonding, sharing emotions, etc. Probably because there wasn’t any… Read more »
There is always a way out.
Good luck Colin.
Collin, I’ve been observing your dialog with Earl over the last several days and have been thinking about it a lot. What’s been particularly interesting to me is that I can relate to both points of view in many ways from my own experience. At my age, with many years under my belt, I know that the philosophy and approach expressed by Earl holds the most truth for me. I know that we need one another and that the “I can do it all myself without any help” belief system and life strategy always fails sooner or later. In reality,… Read more »
I definitely made it all the way through, but I took offense to the assertion that “[I’m] trying to make my way in the adult world unprepared and lacking much of the fundamental knowledge and assistance I needed to handle the basics, much less excel and succeed, because I hadn’t been taught or shown and had no one to fall back on.” It is true that I am below my potential, but I am doing far better than almost everyone, including those who had all the advantages imaginable growing up. The truth is that I am on the cusp of… Read more »
Collin,
I intended no offense, nor did I set out to disparage you or diminish your accomplishments in life. I was referring specifically to my own experience at age 23 in the remark you quoted.
I thought, based on some of your prior comments, that there might be some commonalities between my experience at that age and your experience now, but it appears I misread you. If you’re happy with your approach to life and your progress, then of course you have no reason to alter or discontinue the path you’ve chosen.
I wish you well.
I understand that you were referring to your circumstances at 23; however, I also took your wording to project those very same issues onto me. I’ve handled the basics quite well since the age of 10. I wasn’t taught anything, and I learned everything I know about life the hard way. Groping around in the dark for answers, making a fool of myself, and failing miserably, shamefully over and over again until I figured things out. When you’re a child that has to fend for yourself, mistakes can be incredibly costly. You learn to be vigilant when a lapse in… Read more »
This is much needed. Thank you for writing this. Do you have a concrete plan for doing this on a wider scale?
I’ve no plan at this point, nor am I at the forefront of any organization or movement. I’m just one guy who’s starting to realize he has something to offer and trying to do what he can when opportunities arise. However, there are numerous individuals and organizations out there doing work in this arena that may interest you. If you google on “Initiation rites for boys MasculinityMovies.com” the first item that comes up should be a link to a list of resources to get you started. Earl Hipp, who’s posted a couple of comments on this thread, would also be… Read more »
My father was around, but was emotionally unavailable largely because of the way *he* was raised. Instead, my need for mentoring collapsed into some incredibly unhealthy hero-worship.
I’m scared I’ll be unavailable for my kids, too. It’s one reason why I’m in therapy.
Thanks for writing this.
Thanks for posting that. My church has a mentoring/coming of age program and I’ve often thought, “Where was this mentoring craze when I was growing up?” I certainly hope it isn’t a craze. I share your sense of lacking elders and leadership. My father and stepfather were booze-addled at key times. Men at the time were joking and avuncular, but distant. My uncles were geographically distant. Male teachers were few and far between, and I habitually cut school anyway. Entering the working world put me in contact with some helpful male guide figures. Being a musician certainly helped me make… Read more »