I couldn’t leave him.
It was an unhealthy, pseudo-committal “situationship” that went unchecked for way too long.
I couldn’t leave.
Part of me didn’t just know how to say goodbye. It never seemed like the right time or place. I was afraid of how he’d take it. I didn’t want to hurt him or abandon him in his time of need.
My mind understood that he wasn’t right for me. But I held on to that shred of hope that one day, things would change.
He still had qualities that I believed to be rare, if not impossible, to find in another man my age. He was well “put together” on paper, mature and traditional in all of the ways that I thought I needed. There was a part of me that worried I wouldn’t find better.
Whatever the reason, I always arrived at the same sordid conclusion.
I couldn’t leave.
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I used to believe that commitment was a virtue.
Ah, the great virtue of Commitment.
It went like this —
You meet someone, you fall in love, and you commit to a relationship with them. Come hell or high water, you stay committed because that’s what being in love means.
You stay with them. No matter what.
This level of commitment is designed to be present once a couple expresses their marriage vows.
Commitment is the one thing that sets marriage apart from all other romantic relationships.
However, until marriage is actually on the table, an inflated sense of commitment and obligation can do more harm than good.
Perhaps you stay because leaving would be going back on your word. Ending a relationship that you promised would last forever would make you a dirty liar with no integrity or grace. It would make you a monster who couldn’t be trusted.
However, staying committed to a person you don’t actually love is a much greater lie.
It’s just prolonging the inevitable, forcing something that was never going to work, opting for a slow painful death rather than just ripping the band-aid and moving on with your life.
Commitment on principle is not a virtue.
Continuing a relationship with someone you don’t love is robbing them of the opportunity to find someone who does.
…
People who end their engagements are some of the bravest people in the world.
After all the time, energy, money, and social implications that go into planning a wedding, walking away from it all takes guts.
If you’re about to walk down the aisle with the wrong person — it is extremely painful to walk away. Not only for the couple, but for your friends, families, and extended communities as well.
The pressure that surrounds your relationship resulting in a lifelong marriage is tremendous. An ended engagement can feel like a tragedy — a massive, irreparable disappointment.
Even if you know deep in your soul that this isn’t the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it takes tremendous courage to admit that to yourself.
Not only might you be concerned with breaking their heart and yours, but it’s hard to know if you’re even making the right decision.
You are choosing to walk away from someone who loves you, not knowing what the future holds. With no guarantee that you’ll find better, or that you’ll ever experience love again, choosing to end things with the wrong partner is the bravest thing a person can do.
Ending an engagement takes guts.
It takes courage.
…
So why are you still together?
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are unsure about the reasons why you are committed to someone.
- Am I staying in this relationship out of fear or guilt?
- Am I afraid to be honest with myself?
- Am I the best version of myself in this relationship?
- Do the people in my life who know and love me support this relationship?
- Am I truly happy?
- Am I at peace?
If you cannot answer these questions with resounding positivity and assurance, it may be a good time to examine the state of your relationship.
This doesn’t mean that you have to immediately end things with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancé, but it would be wise to evaluate any issues or problems before you reach the aisle.
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Final thoughts
Commitment to someone in and of itself is not a virtue. Once you realize that a relationship needs to end, please find it in yourself to be brave enough to walk away.
Any decision that you make out of fear is the vice of cowardice. There is no way around that.
Fear and cowardice will never turn into authentic love — no matter how long you drag it out.
If you realize that you are with the wrong person, in a relationship that does not bring you peace and joy, or that you know this isn’t the one you want to spend the rest of your life with — please be brave enough to let them go.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Drew Coffman on Unsplash