Made loud noises (often with cars and bikes)
I’m not sure why revving a car with a broken exhaust pipe, or a bike with a loud engine, used to give me a secret shiver of satisfaction, especially if I’d turned some heads. Maybe I felt like I was the biggest cat in the concrete jungle. I think this attraction to noise started when we were kids; we would clip pieces of plastic onto our push bikes, so they made a loud clacking against the spinning spokes and annoy the hell out of everyone as we zoomed around. Is this metaphorical chest-beating because of some primal need to scare off animals that might be wanting to eat us, or another human who has got us in his sights? Whatever the reason, maybe it also helps explain the appeal of loud fireworks, and why for some men the sound of explosions is a positive part of being in a war zone. Anyway, I know now that when I was showing off in my noisy and polluting vehicle, the thought going through many people’s minds was about how small my genitals must be – closely followed by the words “What a knob!”
Confused fear with respect:
All humans want to be respected for who we are; for our capabilities and for what we have achieved. I think this is especially true of men – maybe because, unlike women, we can’t feel we’ve made a contribution to the world by giving birth, so have to find other ways of justifying our existence. Our competitive nature comes into play here – the hope that our strengths will make us appealing enough to at least one member of the opposite sex that we can continue our genetic line. The mistake some of us make, perhaps because of feeling that we don’t have enough qualities to garner us the respect we crave, is to act in a threatening way; which may result in compliance but will never lead to being respected. I’ve occasionally been seduced into aggression by a need to feel looked up to, for which I feel remorse and shame, and a determination not to repeat it. Working with men’s groups that support gender equality and oppose male violence has been one way for me to atone for, and heal from, those earlier toxic attitudes. I’m trying to live in a way that’s true to my own values; and by respecting myself, it no longer matters as much as what others think.
Tried to compete rather than connect
I’ve often felt driven by a need to ‘win’ and to feel better than others – even in an argument with a partner. As a struggling musician, I could never compete with other men in a material way, so I made up for that by trying to feel ‘cooler’ and looking down on people with more success or possessions. But I know now this was just a way to cover and compensate for an inner feeling of inadequacy and failure. The result of my deep-rooted fear of being a loser was to see every encounter as some kind of contest – even in the emotional realms of a relationship. But I finally realised that any fleeting sense of superiority was soon followed by a crushing sense of isolation that no amount of illusory power or possessions could ever make up for. We all really need a sense of community and connection – it’s why family and friends always come at the top of psychologists’ lists of things that contribute to well-being. These days I feel more accepting that I’m no better and no worse, than anyone else. I do my best to make a positive contribution to the world, to do no harm, and to have fun in the process; other than that I’ve nothing to prove.
Kept my feelings to myself.
Tragically, many of us men are trained from an early age to keep most of our feelings hidden – other than the supposedly ‘acceptable’ ones like anger –even from ourselves, with the result that we don’t really know who we are or how we are feeling. Which makes it difficult for anyone else to connect with us. It was nigh on impossible for me to develop healthy relationships and friendships when I had an underlying feeling to not being good/strong enough, and a fear that sooner or later I’d be found out. A lot of the time I was so disconnected from my own heart, I didn’t know what was going on for me emotionally. This resulted in a series of relationships that I always ended when I felt at risk of being ‘known’, which I was sure would lead to rejection. In other words, I was always quitting before I got fired. These days I seem to have gone to the other extreme. It’s become massively important to me that my partner and I are being open and honest with each other. So I tell her what makes me feel loved, or if anything makes me feel unloved – in or out of bed, and then ask her to tell me the same. And I’ve learned that sometimes I need to be patient before I get an answer because everyone has their own emotional comfort zone and their own way of stepping out of it.
Terrified of seeming ‘weak’.
Many men get confused about what weakness actually is, for example thinking that being vulnerable or upset is ‘weak; or showing kindness and caring to others; or taking time to sort out a mental health issue of some kind. I know that’s how I, and many of the men I used to hang out with, felt about it. We were all wearing the mask of impregnability, having been told from an early age by peers, parents, films, and TV that this was how a ‘real’ man behaved. The result was that we were all secretly ashamed for feeling vulnerable sometimes. By denying myself the full range of human expression, and the level of caring for self and others that connecting with these feelings makes possible, I was like a person with only one emotional leg to stand on, and you can imagine how unstable that is! I’m glad to say that with the help of other men who were feeling, like me that there had to be more to life as a man than this, and the writings found in forward-looking blogs like GMP, I’ve been able to slowly but surely shed my suit of armour and emerge as the authentic man I really am; accepting and appreciating my strengths and weaknesses without shame.
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Thanks so much for this. What a brilliant post. I wish more men had your balls to be this human. It’s so refreshing and life affirming for me as a woman. Thank you!!
Steve, Thanks for writing this article. I think we all need to share the truth about the crazy things we’ve done in our desire to be more “manly” while forgetting that just being ourselves as men, is enough, particularly when we have the courage to tell our own truth, not to take ourselves too seriously, and be kind to ourselves and others. I post articles here every week where I share my own journey. Drop me a note to [email protected] and say hello or come visit me at MenAlive.com.