I was at the airport, waiting near the gates to embark on what would be the next chapter of my life. Hopefully, a better one.
Leaving behind my husband, my colleagues, the love of my life, my baby kitten, and the beautiful country of Canada. To say that it was one of the hardest days of my life would be an understatement.
I wasn’t sure if I had made the right choice by being the one to walk out on our marriage. But after several failed visits to the psychologists, sex therapists, pastors, and a series of useless arguments, I was convinced it was my only choice.
***
Three years back, I had gotten married to a man in a traditional “Indian arranged marriage”. No, it wasn’t child marriage and I wasn’t forced into it.
The difference is I did not get a chance to date and get to know the person.
First warning signs that I totally missed
Eights months into my marriage and we had never had sex. He would not initiate it and when I asked him why weren’t having sex, he refused to give me any answers. Sometimes, I’d get a bizarre one-liner like “we’ll work on it”.
Every so often, I used to wonder if he was gay or if he was just someone with a low sex drive.
One night, I stumbled upon him browsing through pictures of naked women on his laptop. No, I wasn’t angry. Quite the contrary, I was relieved that he wasn’t into men.
A huge stash of porn
A week after that, I uncovered hundreds of porn videos stashed away in hidden folders on his laptop. Finally, it made sense why he stayed up so late every night.
He’d wait for me to go to sleep and then plunge into his fantasy world of pornography and irresistible women.
He could watch it for hours like it was a Netflix series and he made sure to have new content downloaded every day.
A strange text and nude pics
One morning, as I was getting ready for work, I heard his phone buzz. He was in the shower, so I grabbed it and peeked into his inbox.
What I saw left me in shock.
I was staring at a series of text messages between my husband and an escort. She had very graciously sent him some nudes to which my husband had expressed much admiration.
Apparently, he was eagerly looking forward to their “date” over the weekend. As he couldn’t afford to pay her high rate, he was planning to take the money from my bank account!
Finally, everything started to make sense. I got the answers to all the questions that had been haunting me for the past year.
***
My husband was actively satisfying his sexual needs with random women while I was busy trying to figure out how to be a better wife. I later discovered that he had been indulging in using these services years before our marriage and he conveniently pursued it even after we got married.
If you are married to someone who is a sex addict, then here are a few things I want you to remember.
1. It’s not your fault
No, it’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or good enough that your husband sought other women to fulfill his sexual fantasy.
It’s an addiction, and it has to do with him and the way an addict’s brain is wired.
2. A good marriage doesn’t require you to play detective
Spying on his phone, texts, messenger, and emails may be the only way for you to find out what’s really going on. However, if you continue this, it will affect your peace of mind and your ability to simply remain — sane!
Let’s be honest. Each time, you find out that he betrayed you, you will experience extreme emotions such as anxiety, anger, helplessness, frustration, shame, resentment, and a lot of pain.
If you keep at it long enough, this is definitely going to make you …sick. Not just emotionally, but physical ailments because of all the stress that it’s causing. Remember that saying? “STRESS KILLS”.
3. You can’t fix him
After spending hundreds of dollars on therapy, I learned that the hard way.
Yes, we tried the accountability software which would trigger an email to me if he tried to visit any sites that featured adult content.
End result? He ended up using a proxy to get around the software and continued browsing whatever he pleased.
Unless your spouse wants to change and work on the marriage, there is nothing you can do.
4. Don’t let this lower your self-esteem
I don’t want you to entertain this thought, even for a minute, that you somehow did not measure up and that’s why he is the way he is. We tend to blame ourselves, and if you are not careful, you will start questioning your self-worth.
5. Your partner will lie — again and again
If you are married to someone who is an addict, you probably know this already. They are going to lie to your face every time you ask for an explanation and they don’t feel guilty about it.
Why it takes them three hours to get the groceries from a store that’s five minutes away? Why does it take two hours to drive back home from work? Who are these friends they are suddenly hanging out with every weekend?
6. Trust your gut
Every time my husband lied to me, deep down I would sense that something was not right. A few days later, I would learn the truth.
Initially, I wasn’t aware of my “intuition” and would unknowingly brush it away. But, as I learned to listen to it more, I felt more confident and knew I wasn’t imagining things.
All the lies and the stories and the fake promises, nothing made sense but amidst all the chaos, the only thing I could trust was — my gut feeling.
7. You certainly cannot pray it away!
My well-meaning parents thought it was the lack of prayer that was causing all the marital discord. They prayed and rebuked all the devils and yet, nothing changed.
Did I mention, my husband made sure we attended church every Sunday and occasionally even delivered sermons.
When we got back home, right after the service, I’d find him secretly watching porn and I’d just be left aghast.
An addiction is a mental disorder that requires some kind of treatment just like, let’s say, diabetes. If you had diabetes, you would consult a doctor and make lifestyle changes. Hopefully, keeping that in mind helps put things into perspective.
***
I can vividly recollect those sleepless nights I spent contemplating whether I should stay or walk away — wondering if it would get better if I gave him another chance or if we tried a different psychologist or if we had one last discussion.
Looking back, I’m glad I chose to hop on to that flight, away from all the tears and trauma. I am proud of the way I have rebuilt my life — from scratch. I have never regretted that decision.
If you are on the fence about whether to leave or work through your marriage, I would like you to keep in mind that you may get results from therapy- but chances are you may end up waiting decades and results are not guaranteed.
If your partner is suffering from an addiction and they aren’t willing to work on themselves, I hope you find the courage to stand up for yourself and make the choice that empowers you.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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