Confessions on the Search for Love

My whole life I have been searching for the one.

The title of this article includes the word confessions, as for me there is something so shameful about this innate longing. This search outside of myself for the completion.

Seeking the soul mate, the she who can make me whole — know me intimately. Love me deeply, let me love and know her like no other. This deep desire, this profound longing and search.

It began at primary school — falling in love. Desperate for validation, craving female beauty and nurture.

And then as a tortured teenager — falling in love so deeply yet so desperately insecure. The irony of the harder I fell, the deeper I fell into the prison of hiding my true self.

The true self felt such desperation, such loneliness, such unworthiness. So deeply believed that I was undeserving of love, of being known.

Further relationships followed of either desperate rejection or the complete inability of the relationship to withstand the pressures of what I asked, or rather required from it.

An empty soulless marriage of 20 years followed. There was companionship but I chose someone who neither loved me, saw me, heard me, was attracted to me or who was able to offer themselves emotionally. For the record I’m sure she found me hard work too but how I longed to love and be loved.

Sharing dreams was met with anger.

Endeavouring to work through problems was met with disdain.

Looking to connect physically was met with indifference.

Looking to share the spiritual journey was met with mockery.

Trying to find meaningful emotional connection met with rationality.

And eventually leaving the relationship — this to be met with fury, threats and ongoing punishments.

But I am free to pursue my dreams, to find real love, to be authentic. I played my hand, but it’s played blind because who knows what this life will offer?

And so the search continues — a fool blindly investing further into what doesn’t exist, or a dreamer determined to follow his heart and find what he knows is true?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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